There have been many thousands of moments of grace over the years when I have found myself “in” Life, “in” gratitude, “in” unconditional love. These can seem to magically appear when I am participating wholeheartedly in practice, or when the lucky cloud of “in” settles on me. Isn’t life glorious!
Then there are all the other moments.
These moments can feel deceptively neutral, and they have what feels like the “absence of conditioning”-- no hateful story is nattering on. But there is also no low, happy hum of Life. Things are “OK,” “not bad,” “coming together,” “busy.” I’m “getting a lot done.” I start to believe stories like the stress of an upcoming event is something this person needs to “get through,” and I don’t stop her from listening to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate's stories about it.
Here, it seems like I have two choices. I can suffer until the cloud of “in” settles on me.
OR -- I can choose to end the suffering now.
I think I heard in Practice that if we are in the light room, we have chosen it. That the “lucky” cloud of “in” comes because there was a choice that was made for it. So, “in” or “choose” are probably not that different.
What I am practicing with now is to choose Life all the time, even if I can’t see the choice point to “choose” from. I choose it not because something was presented to “me” to choose but because choosing Life is what brings me into compassion, love. Just choosing it seemingly “out of the blue,” choosing it for “no reason,” to make it an action that is happening all the time. And choosing it with two hands! This new angle on my practice feels like I am strengthening some very exciting muscles.