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WE ACCEPTED THE EARLY SUBMISSIONS FOR THIS FIRST ASSIGNMENT BUT WILL NOT ACCEPT THEM FOR ANY OTHERS. GASSHO
I push myself at work to do everything that's creative in a perfect/precise right way. I suffer when ego exhaustings and frustrates me. I can do the same thing with values of idealizing being kind and authentic, then being critical to myself and others when we don't measure up. RL
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Yes, ego’s ever-shifting and changing standards of perfection are applied to all content when we’re identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. You have to do tasks perfectly but you must also be kind perfectly and authentic perfectly. Isn’t it great to say it out loud or write it down and see how absurd it is? Clearly the only point of “perfect” is the conversation in conditioned mind that enables ego to grab and keep attention. Will anything ever be perfect? Not if you’re listening to ego voices. Is anything ever perfect according to what animates all? Yeah, everything is! Gassho
Perfectionist: My real type -- fits me to a "T". Biggest insight is moral and ethical superiority and how that keeps me distant from other people and makes me feel "safe". This human is not "safe", only "small". Now working to expand, not shrink, my life. R/L
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Yes. Doing what the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate drive us to do doesn’t make us safe; in fact it puts us in the only danger we can be in. It does, however, make ego safe, which is what we’re conditioned to believe is “our” safety. When ego is getting all the attention it’s fine, regardless of the amount of suffering we might be in. And, yes, the result of following ego’s dictates is that our lives get smaller and smaller, more controlled, and unhappier. Time for some healthy expansion! Gassho
Noticing that perfectionism is secretive, not "wanting to be that" and inevitably criticized by conditioning for any ways that shows up. This process is the suffering, not allowing, then punishing. What is absent is kindness and acceptance. R/L Gassho
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You got it! The process is the suffering. We’re controlled to “do that”/”don’t do that” and whatever we do, whatever happens, we’re punished. You have to be perfect and when you try to be perfect you’re called names for being such a control freak and besides what you did wasn’t perfect anyway and it’s all your fault because you’re just the wrong person who will never be perfect! What do we need here? Yep, drop the whole mess and bring on the kindness! Gassho
"I" tried avoiding working with a colleague who is disorganized. There's a constant stream of planning thoughts so everything goes perfectly, critical voices about what is wrong; how I need to fix myself/others. Internal yearning to be acknowledge for the good I do, and denial when they say so. R/L
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Oh, dear. That’s what the expression “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t” means, isn’t it? You’re just not going to win that one! You Record and Listen so I’m betting you’ve got some good reminders along the lines of let go and let Life? Some that give lots of acknowledgment and appreciation to the good, sincere person who is working so hard? And, lots of reminders to withdraw attention from that hateful voice in the head? Good! Gassho
My process was that I met a lot of resistance - ego is sure I am not a 1. Yet, I do have a lot of self critical voices and can also criticize my life and others around me. Time to question my identity as not a perfectionist!
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Excellent! It’s so fun to see the process in the process. Ego is sure you’re not an Enneatype 1—never ever ever under any circumstances. No. But why is ego making that argument? Ostensibly because you need to get this right. You need to know. You have to be sure. Might we say that you have to be perfect? Hmmm…. Yes, time to question identity—period! Gassho
Perfectionism is a talisman. (Like worrying.) if I do everything "right" I deserve to have good things happen. If something bad happens it's because I didn't do something perfectly or otherwise "deserve it." It's an opportunity for the voice to say "see? It's your fault." Also a great opportunity to judge other people for doing things wrong.
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Oh, yes. And, can you see how that process gets started, and heavily reinforced, in childhood? When we’re good little girls and boys we get rewards, treats, praise, affection. When we’re bad little girls and boys we get punished and all good things are withheld from us. Behooves us to make sure we’re always doing everything right—actually perfectly—so we’re sure to get the goodies, right? Oh, and we mustn’t forget that this is a competition. Only so many As will be awarded, only one First Place, so we have to keep a sharp eye on the competition to make certain we’re doing better than they are! Sets us up never to be aware of the hateful system in the head making the rules and calling the shots. Gassho
Going through the One characteristics, I noticed that all of them pertained to this human. Awareness sees through most of the patterns and allows a freer/happier choice to be made. The human still gets temporarily bamboozled by comparison and procrastination/fear, but awareness eventually comes to the rescue, bringing the light of unconditional love and acceptance to this miraculous human.
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It’s lovely that we get “saved in the final reel” but important not to get fooled into “it’s way better than it was.” Rather than waiting for awareness to come to the rescue, we can actively go after those times of comparison and procrastination/fear. Find those places Life is dropping in to challenge ego’s grip and pursue them. Watch for the comparison conversation, record about the suffering involved in that, and train to re-direct attention. When you hear the NO of ego resistance leading to procrastination, get into activity. Gassho
The decision to be perfect - part of the battering cycle - arises regularly, and there is the assumption that there is a perfect, that I know what it is, that I should be that, and I will get there, tomorrow. Getting there will redeem the "failure" of today. R/L
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Since you know it’s a battering cycle, I bet you know that the only thing clinging to a story of “getting there” will do is perpetuate the delusion that there’s 1) a “there,” 2) failure, and 3) redemption via meeting the standards of ego. What a waste of perfectly good life force, huh? Gassho
I saw the most amazing thing! There was an assumption that perfectionism was about cleaning and appearance- not my issues. But I do suffer greatly over expectations of how people should behave toward me, and toward women in general. And egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate can also turn practice principles into perfectionist standards. R/L
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Isn’t that good to see?! Isn’t awareness practice grand? And, it would seem from what you wrote that you’re staying with the “amazing” rather than letting those controlling ego-voices make you feel bad/less for not having seen it sooner. That’s what they LOVE to do, you know? We have an insight that reveals ego’s hateful nature, and ego tries to make us feel bad for being the way it cons us into being! That insight about turning practice principles into perfectionist standards is going to be invaluable as you go forward with practice. Gassho
"I" see myself so much in Type 1 that I don't know how "I" can be anything else. That self-criticizing voice is going crazy right now. My ego daily compares me to others and recognizes that "I" does not get recognized for my "virtuous" accomplishments. It causes unending suffering.
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Well, “I,” ego, will never be anything but criticizing and crazy. Fortunately, that has nothing to do with you, the authentic human being. To assist in realizing that the crazed voice in the head has nothing to do with “us,” it can be helpful not to “own” the ego. It’s not “your” ego or “my” ego, it’s just ego. It’s like a cold; it’s something that happens to us, but it’s not what we are. As you practice letting go ego’s demand, including the need to be recognized for virtuous acts, the hold the voices have on you will diminish. Increasingly, you will be able to watch that system go crazy and experience only fascination—then you’ll lose interest altogether! Gassho
My Pattern: 1. Focus on "What she did--that's not right! " 2. Analyze continually. 3. Share story with friend and criticize. 4. Become consumed by irritation* 5. Feel superior *Comparing myself to others takes up so much space in my body and mind, it leaves life's spacious oneness unnoticed. R/L
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Yep. That’s how it works all right. Is that where you’re cutting ego off, the “that’s not right”? You clearly see the process, yet it sounds as if you go with it start-to-finish with some regularity. Do you have lots of “I choose to focus on Life’s spacious oneness” recordings? Plenty of reminders that comparison is just ego’s way of grabbing attention away from you, away from Life? Gassho
I'm a single female close to retirement. I need to sell my house and want to do a perfect job to maximize earnings. Egocentric/karmic/conditioning voices tell me it's too difficult, I'll screw up, I'll get screwed. Deep down, I'm resentful that my in-laws disrembered me in their will after my husband's suicide. The egocentric/karmic-conditioning voices tell me I'm a horrible person for writing this.
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One thing we can count on: The voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are wrong and they lie. Isn’t that helpful to know? Being clear about that fact allows us to let them all go. We don’t have to listen to any debates about what is true and what isn’t—it’s all lies. And they’re wrong. (Not wrong in the “as compared to there’s nothing wrong” wrong, just in the bogus, horse pucky, crapola sense.) The voices want to scare you and make you resentful and they really don’t want anyone to know that’s what they’re doing. Good for you for outing them! They really hate that. Now you have both eyes on them you can keep coming back to thisherenow and the wellbeing of presence. Whether you get an incredible price for your house or not, you will never be happy as long as those voices are running the show. Without the voices, you get that you’re always fine regardless of circumstances. (A good focus to come back to might be “I have faith in the Unconditional Love that is Life.”) Gassho
By holding on to injustices, "I" gets to feel superior over those who "I" says have better lives. Bad memories get re-cycled. Strong need to be perfect in perceived deficits areas. Fear of being judged as inadequate is there, I feels overwhelmed. I decides not to socialize due to fear.
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Oh, absolutely! These are classic ego-maintenance strategies. Ego judges others than pretends to fear being judged. Ego piles on the “you have to be perfect—especially in areas ego is constantly telling you you’re not good at—and then pretends to be overwhelmed. And its ultimate strategy: separate the prey from the herd. Get a person alone and isolated—in order to be safe, of course—and the only “company” is that self-hating voice in the head. You’re catching on to just what the conversation in the head is accomplishing. That distance, what we call “disidentification,” is what shows us we are not that hateful system! Gassho
My story says I'd be a 1 if I had more self-discipline. I want to be good/right. Upon submitting this I noticed the contradiction between word counts in the assignment (50) and the webpage (100). The voices erupted, WE should proofread for clarity? In my chest I feel tight misery.
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Good to see! Always good to be present enough to see how egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate is jerking us around! Here’s what I suspect. You are a REALLY GOOD person. Why do I suspect that? Because only really good people are willing to feel terrible when the hateful voices point out bogus “sins and crimes.” Know what I mean? All you need do now (yes, it’s a pretty big “all”) is to give attention to the really good person and stop those nasty voices from delivering those beatings. That’s what awareness practice is all about. So, good news is that you’re already doing what you need to do. Now you just need to keep doing it! Gassho
Ego-i has rigid ideas about how self, others, and situations should be. Internalized anger exhibits as frustration and impatience. There's a huge fear of criticism, which is taken personally. Focus on what needs to be ‘fixed' distracts from seeing and experiencing the perfection of the moment. R/L
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Well stated! The person living in the constant criticism/judgment of the voices of self-hate is certainly going to fear judgment. Of course! If I’m judging all the time, I’m going to project that others are judging me. Just the way it is. Caught in the vice grip of “how it should be,” the anger, frustration, resentment just grows and grows. Now there’s impatience and intolerance. Good grief, how can it get so bad when I’m trying so hard to be good?? We use an image in one of the books of “all the exit signs mark entrances,” which is what’s going on. All the “fixing” is the problem. We’re conditioned to try to fix a problem using the problem. Not gonna work. Which is the whole point! Attempting to be perfect via criticism and judgment, we can see, is not a winning strategy. Yes? Gassho
Identified as a One, there is huge frustration with someone who keeps asking me what's right and how should I do that. I wonder why it looks so obvious only to me. We agree that we both want what's best, and are re-assured that everything is alright already. R/L Gassho
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What is obvious to us is always obvious to us. That is true. What is not obvious to us is what is not obvious to us. That’s also true—and that’s the one we fail to see! How could we see it? The whole point of that is that we can’t see it! Yes? So we listen to the ego-I voices that impatiently talk about the frustration of “why does this look so obvious only to me.” What we don’t know is how what is not obvious to us, what we don’t see, is affecting others. And ego’s self-righteous campaign keeps us from wondering about that. Could be a fun place to look. We all want what’s best and everything is all right already, so we might as well get a clear look at how it really is. Gassho
Seeing that political situation is training me to shift from judgement to consciously looking for compassion, validity in other perceptions, and what's working. Identifying judgement quickly and requires practice to ignore seduction of story and instead direct attention to Life. R/L. Gassho
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It’s a balancing act we often don’t get to see so clearly. You want X and I want Y and ego is going to decide who’s right and who’s wrong and either fight to the death or give up and quit. Always a duality, yes? So how do we stay with what we see Life calling us to without needing to make anyone right or wrong? Children are hungry. There are people who believe that’s a problem and people who don’t. Do we need to argue about which of those groups is right or shall we feed the children? Sometimes we can get talked into acceptance as nonparticipation. I don’t want to judge so I’ll withdraw. Ego is a tricky so-and-so, isn’t it? Gassho
Can relate to the resentment/frustration, comes out as passive aggressive. Noticing if the anger/resentment is flat-lined, so is passion/enthusiasm. Seems a perfect set-up, the "hateful" energy has to be expressed in a controlled/nice person/"perfect" way. Looking for ways to be aware of it for starters, then appropriately/"imperfectly" express it. R/L
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Well, it seems as if you’re already seeing it quite clearly. Perhaps the real issue is practicing being with what’s happening, bringing awareness to all of it, and allowing presence to respond, which will always be appropriate and perfect. Gassho
Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate would say I embody characteristics of a 1 because I'm not the right person. When attention is on that conversation, I am efforting to embody those characteristics - not attending to what is here. When here, there's just disinterest in working to be any particular thing. Gassho R/L
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Ah ha! So, in presence there is no interest in “doing” for the sake of doing; there is an interest in being present to Life unfolding. Yes? I project you’re seeing attention on that conversation as the path to suffering. True? Gassho
Choice between a and b. Visceral tension, overwhelm in body. So put attention on what needs done that's easy. Put off decision(s). Then decision made by life, others, or at last minute in great distress to self and others. Egocentrickarmicconditioningself-hate clenches human like a boa to make 'right' decision . R/l
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Well, that’s the story about the clenching, but, alas, it’s a lie. Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate clenches the human like a boa to cause suffering! Maximum suffering. For self and others. Oh, yes. All that could have been avoided, but those voices are not going to let that happen, are they? What do you want in life? To be happy? To have loving relationships? To enjoy yourself and others? What if you chose that instead of letting ego take you down the primrose path—again!—of “there’s a right choice”? Something to consider, huh? Gassho
Impossible to meet the high standards created, myself and others. Total dissatisfaction, "never good enough". The worst comes when "I" make a mistake, I get abusive punishment. I grew up in an environment where mistakes were paid with removal of affection, then mistakes are something "I" can't do, otherwise death would come.
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Your first sentence says it all: “Impossible to meet high standards…” Yet we keep trying! We continue to let ourselves get talked into believing “this is real, this is important, this is possible, and you should.” The worst part of all is that meeting those standards is not only impossible, it’s irrelevant and harmful! Those ego voices have us over there gnashing our teeth and pulling out our hair over our “failures” when we could be over here being guided by the infinitely compassionate lovingkindness of Life. How about we get with Life, receive the affection we seek, and if ego dies, oh well. Gassho
Ego does like to ring the gong when a response is "needed" or a task "must" be done. Do it now! Do it right! It's either scurry to the gong or…be present in peace. Ego doesn't get to run the show, not once the curtain's been drawn back.
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This, then, becomes a matter of recognizing the sound of ego’s gong, coming back to thisherenow, ceasing to react like one of Pavlov’s pups, and choosing to be guided by Life. The difficulty, as we talked about this morning on Project Joy, is to let go the deeply conditioned messages that reacting to “need and must” are the good/right person thing to do, yes? Gassho
Conditioning says, "There are two ways to do anything: the easy way and the right way. Always choose the right way; laziness is for lesser mortals." Relentless criticism prevents laziness, but becomes oppressive; overdoing "pleasures" seems the only escape. Not a real escape, though; criticism always escalates afterwards. R/L
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Ah, the power unexamined beliefs and assumptions have over us, huh? Ego waves that red flag with “lazy” written on it and you start hopping! If “easy” and “lazy” are synonyms, being in easy, relaxed, non-suffering sync with Life is not available. What’s left? A poor beast of burden driven mercilessly then “rewarded” with what never nourishes or satisfies. Can you see that the way out is ending the “relentless criticism” and finding out just what “laziness” means? Gassho
Ones traits manifest internally: critiquing, evaluating self. Compare self to others; come up short, occasionally better. Sometimes paralyzed by fear of making mistakes. Never can get it "right enough." Love it that this shows who I'm not but what egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate is. Makes it so much easier to practice with! R/L
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Yes, indeed. Everything that reveals what that system is doing to us is helpful, isn’t it? Seeing how it does what it does reveals the path to liberation. So, it might be fun to go on a campaign of “making mistakes.” Each time you feel that paralyzing fear (which is ego’s death grip on us, meant to guarantee ego’s control of us), let yourself go ahead with whatever as a workshop. Now you’re learning and “making a mistake” has no place in learning. Gassho
"Compulsive need to act on what seems correct" resonated. Process: feels like pulsing energy driving the life force, with no attention, on/in the body. Never put the word compulsive into it till now. An alarm reminder frequently for checkin started… maybe dancing some between planned focused activities. R/L.
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When we talk about people being “addicted to ego,” you know what we mean, right? Addiction has that compulsive component. When in the grip of one of ego’s “imperatives,” there’s nothing casual about it! This is not a time people tend to procrastinate—unless of course there’s more self-hate available through getting a person to procrastinate about something that is “urgent.” The voices say, “You have to/you better” and conditioned folks start scrambling to obey. So, what to do with all that urgent ego energy? I agree; dancing is a great choice. Set an alarm, turn on the tunes, drop the conversation in the head, and enjoy the life force that is meant for you and not for ego. Gassho
When I listen to egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate spin stories about how I missed the boat or how this-or-that should be different, I know I am identified with the perfectionist. Any comparison to a parallel life keeps me separate from this moment, this Life, this perfection. It's a pleasure to be back! R/L
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That’s a great “clue,” isn’t it? Something should be different. This is another expression of “something wrong/not enough.” That shouldn’t have happened, that was wrong, this needs to be fixed, it would be better if… The list of comparisons is endless. And, yes, those can become a signal to “drop that conversation and get back here” rather than the lure that pulls us into ego’s suffering. Gassho
Fear of some ousting or proof of superiority hooks me. Yet there is no better example of the egos ridiculousness. It is unspoken rules or assumption. Ethics, small ethics. More politeness or taste than morality. The feeling that these things hold life together. Feeling that failure erodes/wastes that life."
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Those things do hold life together—for ego! Yes? All ego wants is to be center stage with full attention on it all the time. That’s all. Whether you’re superior or inferior, more or less, right or wrong is irrelevant. The voices will sound as if they care. But they don’t. For ego you can “love me or hate me, I don’t care, as long as you give me all the attention.” Ego says it cares about all sorts of things, believes all sorts of things, wants all sorts of things, is sad, hurt, disappointed, depressed, trying hard, feeling bad—ALL LIES. The only thing it ever wants is ATTENTION and it will do ANYTHING that’s required to get it. As we watch it, we see that. Gassho
Class 1: Seek perfection in understanding situations, and responses. Those who do not “get it” are distained. Tested as non-trusting 6, I seek out those who, “get-it”, for safety. "Perfection in all that is"; surfaces in natural environments, but visceral resistance when ego triggered. Then go to nature or mentor. R/L
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There’s the “work,” right? You know the experience of “perfection in all that is,” and then when ego gets triggered—by any situations that threaten its control over you—you go with ego because you’ve been conditioned to believe that will bring safety. Doing awareness practice I can only guess you’re seeing that going with ego is the most un-safe thing we can do! What you’re learning is to NOT equate ego’s “visceral resistance” with danger from Life, but to see it as the dangerous ego causing you to believe you’re in danger. Yes? Gassho
Ego's spending the vacation constantly scanning what people are doing, measuring everyone's contribution and keeping score. Either I'm guiltily taking my time and space or resentfully working in the kitchen. I envy how others can just relax and enjoy themselves without worrying about everything. I want that! R/L
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Do you want that? Who wants that? Not the right/wrong police chief who keeps score and feels good or bad depending on the verdict, right? Not the guilt/blame center-of-the-universe control-meister. True? That’s what you’re seeing clearly, isn’t it? All those “folks” are called “I,” which makes it mighty tricky to discern which is authenticity. So, which is authentic? It’s not the envy, is it? Not the desire to “have for me,” or we suspect that anyway. Relaxing and not worrying… what might be involved in that? Gassho
Frustration, irritation keeps me in a story about the content. The story becomes what is true. With R/L I can expose the story and let it go, coming back to what is true, that nothing is wrong! And Life drops in help, often not about the story!
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Yet you stay with the story rather than R/L because…? That’s a short response, but it’s power-packed! Get to the bottom of that and treasure awaits! Gassho
"Comparison and criticism make up about 70 percent of my thoughts. Always on lookout for person who does whatever it is "better" or knows the "right" way. Saw it critiquing how I was cleaning up the yard. Dread of assessment seems to fuel procrastination. Not seeing the moral superiority.
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How about you put that “moral superiority” on the backburner and just go with “dread of assessment fuels procrastination.” (I bet we can safely take “seems” out of that sentence!) There’s a voice in your head that is controlling you by getting you to dread its criticism. That’s awful, right? In fact, it’s horrifying. (We tend not to be horrified because we’re conditioned to think it’s “normal.” It’s so normal we’re not even aware of it.) If it were your partner or parent or boss it would be outrageous, but this is a voice in your head! If it were the mob we might say, “Well, maybe you should be scared. Maybe you should do what they say. They could kill you.” But this is a voice in your head! It has no body, no hands with which to hold a weapon. It can’t do anything except say mean things to you. That’s it! And it controls your life! Have I convinced you that freeing yourself from that imaginary tyrant is job 1? I hope so. Awareness practice gives us the “how” of that. Gassho
Implicit high standards, thought of as "mine," mean human must perform. Difficult to not intervene when children not behaving as they "should." Focus on "what's wrong,"/problems to be solved, rather than on Life, the Good, etc. Unconscious belief in own moral/ethical superiority vital to self-concept. R/L
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You’ve said the magic word—unconscious. We do all this stuff, give our lives over to a bunch of nonsense we don’t actually care about, suffer, let voices in our head abuse us and it’s all happening in unconsciousness. On Project Joy I was talking with a woman who had just realized that since waking she had been listening to a steady drone of “what’s wrong,” all happening below the level of conscious awareness. I asked her if she had a sense that had I come up to her at any point and asked, “Are you conscious?” she would have answered, “Yes, I am.” And she was not. That’s what she realized. The system of ego-maintenance convinces us we’re conscious when we’re not, has us act from unconsciousness, and then blames us for our actions. Truly ugly. You’re seeing it, aren’t you? Gassho
WOW...TOTALLY "me"-especially regarding unfairness, resentment, procrastination, criticism. Never saw 1 aspects until now-everywhere! "Right" used to torture in duality of THIS is right, then later, "IS this right????" Seeing glaringly in parenting & relationship. Fear fuels feeling inferior/superior, right/wrong, good/bad and keeps hidden the Perfection of Life unfolding-"All's OK!" R/L
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Yep, it is. I don’t have a lot to offer you at this juncture other than “keep those eyes on the prize.” Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is going to attempt to use this against you now you’ve seen it. Read what I just wrote to your neighbor and stick with the old Zen, “Is that so?” each time you hear an assessment in conditioned mind. It’s conditioning doing those behaviors and our job is to see them for what they are, come to conscious awareness, and say “thank you” for the clarity. Don’t let the voices make it a contest you’re going to lose! Gassho
"Noticing a major difference between building upon what is so in order to move closer to freedom, and engaging in ""improvement"" projects that come from a rejection of what is so. Seeing how there is nothing wrong with anything, and I can also work toward positive change. RL. Gassho."
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Amen to that! It’s a “I love you exactly as you are and I’ll help you be any way you want to be.” I want to be more fit doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with how I am now; I just want to be more fit. Good to see, isn’t it? Gassho
My first experience of egocentrickarmicconditioning I can remember, which fueled self-righteous fury, was when my sister was picked up when she cried, and I was left out when I was "good" by keeping quiet. The experience of being right and others being wrong, but not being penalized for it, plays out in more and more complicated situations. R/L-ing and Listening Buddy practice helps clarify instead of continuing unconsciously.
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Excellent! Awareness practice helps us to drop the story—ALL stories—and get HERE so we can have an experience of what is so. What might be helpful is to increase your appreciation for the person who is being good. I’m betting that you are good and that you want to be good not because you “should” but because that’s what makes your heart happy. As the stories fall away there’s more room to see that. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing. You choose to be the best person you can be—let that person know s/he is seen and appreciated. Know what I mean? Gassho
I procrastinated signing up even though this class is perfect for "me," who relates to all enneatypes and can't decide which is "right." Seeing how much of type one I've let go with the grace of practice. Less conversation, less focus on right/wrong, less judgement, more presence and joy. R/L
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So, letting go the notion of a “right” Enneatype works well for you, yes? Keep in mind that in awareness practice we’re always going deeper. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate likes us to focus on our “improvement” as a way of hiding what we have not yet seen and seen through. Gassho
I'm a one currently stuck in a tornado of shame. I can see the dualities and hear the conditioned conversations but can't seem to still the storm or quiet the voices. I have no energy and I can't seem to find joy, though I suspect it's right nearby. R/L
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That joy is right within. Let’s see if this is what’s going on: You turn on the recorder to listen to some recordings that put a “stop” to the shame stories. You listen for a while and then you look to see if the shame is still there. It is. Then you get information (from conditioned mind, of course) that “this isn’t working.” Am I getting close? It’s true that that won’t work because you keep looking to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate to tell you how you’re doing, and it’s always going to tell you “it’s not working.” If you turn attention to Life, to what is true and so, and you keep attention there, there won’t be any room for the shame stories. But every time you check in with ego… “yep, it’s not working.” Gassho
I was not going to take this class because I would not have time to read ALL the responses. Not a perfect student. Realized that standard was too much and I would do what I could. Perhaps the 9 Enneagrams are also the 9 Bamboozles. Gassho. R/L
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Yes, I suspect that’s true. As aficionados will tell us, the Enneatype is what we are NOT. You point out a very important process for all of us: We have to STOP listening to and believing the voices in the head. PERIOD. PERIOD. Not, as in “I need to be careful about the conversations in my head that are not helpful and stop listening to and believing those.” NO! STOP LISTENING TO AND BELIEVING ALL CONVERSATIONS IN THE HEAD. As you told us, you heard what the voices said and then it drop in (realized) that the standard was bogus. It dropped in that you could do what you could do. That’s it! Gassho
"There's definitely something wrong with me, but with perfection and striving, I can fix it! You can, too, so I'll tell you about it or resent you for it until you realize it!" Even in my recording I blamed my Mom for my black-and-white thinking! Talking out loud in my recording, I felt strongly the desire to point out what's inherently "not perfect exactly as it is." Resentment is a struggle for me and I resent that I struggle with this so much!
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Perfect! You are articulating so clearly—and perfectly!—what it’s like to be identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate and not know it. What R/L is doing for you (which is why I so want everyone to do it) is allowing you to step back and see/hear that ego system in action. Inside the head it seems for all the world to be “me,” but when we hear it, oh my, it is obvious that “that is not ‘my’ authentic nature.” Gassho
"My One lives in desire for order and discomfort with chaos. This passion has harmed my relationships and darkened my experience of life. Running critique of self/ others always there, but have some distance now, able to see perfection more easily. Anger piece still present.
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The fact that we can “see” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate doesn’t mean it’s going to give up and go away. (Don’t own it, please. It’s not “your” One.) You’re seeing it and it really doesn’t like being seen—hence the anger. It doesn’t like being thwarted, doesn’t like people “typing” it, pigeonholing it, having opinions about it, implying it might not be the be-all-end-all of human existence, and so on. It wants to be in control of everything all the time because that will give it the attention (the human life force) it needs to continue to appear real. Does it want order rather than chaos? No, but if you believe that it can stomp and storm every time there’s something “I don’t like” and you’ll file that under the heading, “How One’s Like Things To Be” and never start scrutinizing ego. Oops, sorry ego, too late! The human is on to you. Gassho
I walk into the kitchen and the dirty dishes are all over. The negative side of One says "I have to do everything.” I laugh seeing this. How wonderful to relax and choose peace! R/L
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No frustration? No resentment? No judgment? No bitterness leaking out in other places? Just relax and peacefully do the dishes? All the time? Three meals a day? That is wonderful. Gassho
Scanning for the rights/wrongs in my day. Seeing ego: it's never good or right enough; if I were the right person this would never happen. When will I be perfect enough for my world? Get stuck in noodling, blame and guilt
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Oh, yes, of course! That’s how it’s “supposed to” go. You’re meant to go unconscious and serve ego. That’s the set up. We’re the outliers who are not going along with the program! When will you ever be perfect enough, right enough, good enough? Never. That will never happen because no matter what you do the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will say, “Nope, not good enough.” It’s a game you can’t win. Not just you; nobody can win it. That’s why we quit! We quit and turn attention to what’s not a hateful game—Life as Life really is. You’re seeing what’s happening. This is a good thing! Gassho
I can see my self under the "Perfectionist" title in that I like my personal space to be organized, orderly and pleasant to look at. I don't see a black and white world. Most things are very complicated. None of the others seem to apply.
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Well, just keep noticing. See if you recognize criticism or judgment or comparing. Just kind of watch out of the corner of your eye and see what you see. As you read your classmates responses, you might recognize new places to look. Stay with it and all will be revealed! Gassho
I put much pressure on myself to do it right, make no mistakes – in order to "escape" criticism or negative feedback from others. The above behavior ebbs and flows with stressful situations. More stress, more need for perfection and control. Less stress, less need to expect perfection. More ease.
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Here’s a potentially interesting place to look: How much of the criticism and negative feedback comes from “others” and how much happens inside your own head? No need to think about it or figure it out; just let situations in your life occur to you and get a sense of where the negativity comes from. Gassho
I am quite familiar with aspects of #1 on the enneagram and my process. My ex-wife of 14 years was a classic 1. Being a seven, I move to 1 under stress. Procrastination, judgement, using pleasure as an escape, feeling moral superiority band being angry at seeming unfair situations have all been part of my life. Catching myself in the act is the key. I am forever grateful for the practice.
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Do you have a sense of “who,” or perhaps we could say “what,” catches you in the act? Might be an interesting place to look. Gassho