Lately it seemed as if my full-time job and sole focus had become finding the answer to the question: Where do I belong? Where are my people? Who will be there for me today? It was understandable: I lost my life partner and, before that, my sister to heartbreaking deaths from cancer. My home that was once a busy household of four was now just me, as teenagers also left home. I went from being a caregiver in multiple roles to having no clear role. My introvert-sized social circle nearly vanished and suddenly I was single.
When I recovered from the initial shock and had taken care of immediate tasks, I began my search. I looked everywhere for my people. I tried everything, old and new—things I wasn’t interested in, things I was passionate about; I scrolled through old contacts, forced myself to reach out. I studied my schedule, worded texts and invites strategically to sound friendly and “casual,” careful not to reveal my desperation. I agonized over exactly how long to wait for a response. Do I dare go alone? Do I ask X….again? Or is it their turn? This activity consumed me completely, and I watched as it began taking precedence over Practice. Sangha, after all, was just virtual – this was real. This was about my social life right here in front of me, and it presented itself like an emergency. If I did not find something to do, I would be alone. Possibly all day!
This effort on my part was not for naught: My social circle expanded and my schedule began to fill up as I summoned courage I never knew I had. I joined groups and found new friends. I made many surprising and delightful connections. But most importantly – and aligned with my larger goal of ending suffering – I learned the direction I needed to take on my search. I learned something about other people, something I already knew but had to have my own experience with, and that was:
- They cannot keep me company all the time.
- They cannot be there to reassure, comfort and support me around the clock.
- They will not become full-time providers of my fun and entertainment.
- They do not have endless curiosity for (and time to listen to) a detailed account of my day.
- I cannot rely on them to make me feel OK based on their comments and behavior towards me.
- They cannot fill the gaping holes left by my wife and sister.
And you probably know where this is headed. By having my own experience, the real emergency was revealed to me: I needed to befriend the Mentor – that ever-present, unconditionally loving, Compassionate Being within me. The Mentor was the One I had been searching for, and it had been there all along, available to offer those things I so desperately needed. The emptiness left by my huge losses could not be filled, but the Mentor was there when I realized that. I needed only to turn toward it, use the Practice tools I knew so well, and to know I was not alone. And Sangha was right there, supporting me to do exactly that. How extraordinary.
I have a new and much happier full-time job now.
Gasshō
Emily