Saw 1 characteristics at recent consultation with a health professional. Noticed the fear of criticism, wanting to be already doing everything "right" created tension, less openness to receive potentially helpful suggestions. ! It was hard to allow someone else to be the "expert". Very helpful to see process so clearly. R/L
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That’s a great point! Being the “perfect expert” closes us off to the assistance and support Life offers. Then the voices can beat us up for being closed, plus get a lot of mileage out of some fear-mongering around what’s wrong physically. Don’t you love the fact that you were present enough to see all of that? Throws a person right into the gratitude club, doesn’t it? Gassho
A focus on "self-wrongness" often dominates my life narrative. I know that this narrative doesn't serve me, but I have so much fear around being happy and leaving the relative "safety" of my ego-centric karmic conditioning. I think that this kind of subjective personal judgment precludes unconditional love.
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Oh, you are so very correct. That’s the whole point of self-hate. Let’s break it down, shall we? Ego has fear. Ego is fear. Ego is, in fact, terrified that you will leave the “safety” of the prison it has constructed for you, that you will choose happiness—which only happens in the present, where ego can’t be—and that you will choose the unconditional love that is the end of ego. That’s the whole story. So, yes, you’re seeing it as it is, it’s just got you believing language and meanings that protect it. Encouragement: Drop the “my” around everything ego. It is not you, it doesn’t care about you, it doesn’t like you, it is not on your side, and it will keep you in suffering for just as long as it can. You’re not safe with it; you’re imprisoned by a hateful abuser. Gassho
My anger is like tree roots spilling out resentment at his need to control, my irritation over small matters. A self who does not want to let go of anger. It's voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self hate that tell me to "tighen up get ready to defend yourself." Seeing that, I can relax. R/L
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Very true. So, how about you drop the “my” when you describe it? It’s not you. There’s a “self” that doesn’t want to let go of anger, wants to be irritated, wants to talk to you about needing to tighten up and get ready to defend yourself. That’s not you; that’s egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, the illusion of a self that is separate from life. You’ve seen it for what it is and now you’re in the process of disidentifying from it more and more. Good, huh? Gassho
I seem to default to perfectionist one often. Particularly around work, gift-giving, and house guests (when wanting to impress). Get caught up in comparison, duality, righteous indignation, etc. Focused on something wrong creates experience of everything is wrong. R/L
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Oh, what a good point! “A focus on something wrong creates an experience of everything is wrong.” Ego gets a foot in the door, right? It only needs a tiny opening, just a flick of attention to it, in order to take over. It can go global in a hurry! You’re seeing where and how this takeover happens, which is very helpful. Now you can go on the hunt. You know where it’s likely to show up and you can be ready. As you flush it out, you’ll see more of its hiding places. What fun! Gassho
Ego tries to convince me that I am superior to everyone, creating I, then it tries to tell me all the things I've done, am doing, and will do wrong. I count my steps to ten then start again. Right or wrong. R/L
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Yes, we must take a “whatever” attitude toward egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. “You did that wrong and you’re doing that wrong and you’re gonna do that wrong,” to which we smile and respond, “Whatever.” We just can’t get involved! It’s a “yeah, sure, right” situation. An “uh huh, you betcha,” sort of deal. And we just keep on counting those steps down the path to freedom! Gassho
I can see some characteristics of a One in me, particularly at work. There IS one right way, why doesn't everyone see that? Anger and resentment against the slackers whose work I end up doing for them. These tendencies have diminished over time, but are still lurking.
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They do sound rather right there at the tip of the tongue, don’t they? Perhaps they’d like a larger share of your attention, but it sounds as if you’re rationing them! Might be interesting to notice just when that still happens. What’s going on? What are the triggers? What are the beliefs and assumptions that can still get you going? Gassho
Looking for office space. Believing there is a 'right' location. Delaying decision out of fear of making a mistake. Taking a 'save the world' approach: preemptive self-sacrifice to choose an inconvenient location to rescue the most needy, without evidence this inconvenience will benefit anyone. R/L
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Wow. You’re seeing it and what you’re seeing is nasty, isn’t it? (I hope people are seeing how often that “procrastination for fear of making a mistake” is coming up in this exploration.) First a person gets paralyzed by the fear, and then all the other stuff can get added. Great to see that this “you have to sacrifice yourself” is for absolutely no good reason. These are the unexamined beliefs and assumptions awareness practice is designed to bring into the light of day! Gassho
Conditioning has me perfect a moral position, which I advertise to help other people see their shortcoming in this area. I dislike myself for having done this, so I abandon those people and move onto someone new, repeating the process, which leads to separation from life and people. R/L
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This is one of those, “Really hard to see if ego gets hold of it,” and “Really good to see when Life shines a compassionate light on an ego bamboozle,” right? Now that you realize what is behind that behavior, you can assist the person who got bamboozled to seek a new direction using the Mentor’s wisdom and guidance for support. This is very good, huh? Humbling and good. Gassho
One "one's bamboozle" I'm susceptible to is "everyone else works faster". Actually they often do, but thank God (and practice) my reaction lately has been "so what?". Also spending energy comparing my efficiency to that of others doesn't seem like a good strategy to improve it. R/L
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Perhaps you have other qualities than efficiency to recommend you? I bet so. And, yes, a focus on thisherenow will often improve our efficiency, productivity, and general jolly wellbeing, which can be a pleasure to work with! Gassho
Currently caught in content that brings up many One characteristics. Anger arises out of feeling trapped that there are no workable alternatives to difficult family circumstance. Resentment follows judgement of others ineptitude or lack of caring. A very suffering place. Finding light switch difficult.
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The Third Patriarch of Zen encouraged us with, “Do not seek after enlightenment; simply cease to cherish opinions.” That’s a common theme put forth by all great spiritual teachers. (Not to be confused with the interpretations by others of what the great spiritual teachers taught.) That could be the “workable alternative” you’re seeking. Drop all opinions—all opinions are ego opinions—and see if you find that light switch. Removing one ego from a situation can produce extraordinary results! (I can imagine you might be hearing some push back from those very voices that want to convince “those others” are the problem!) Gassho
As I sit stalled, and so hesitant to reply to this first assignment, I am amazed to hear how loud the voice of egocentric karmic conditioning/self hate has become! I R/L and decide there is no right/wrong to this exercise. It just is, and I see how I can let go.....and ignore the voices.
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Hearing how loud the voices are is a big part of everything we do in awareness practice. People hear all sorts of “reasons” not to come on retreat or not to come to the Monastery, even why not to do a class like this. All those reasons sound so plausible. But the real “reason” not to practice is that when we participate we get to see and hear egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in all its hideousness. That’s what you’re getting to see and you’re seeing how to ignore them! What a deal, huh? Gassho
I can identify with this filter of perfectionism. The constant evaluating, thinking there is a "right" way, a way to value myself and my actions by deeming their "rightness". Also a way to create separateness by other's "wrongness". Keeping me from what is happening by judging it.
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Great insights! And, I project you can see how that whole process serves ego well and you not at all, yes? There’s a voice in the head monitoring you, judging you, judging others and making you believe you’re doing the judging, and best insight of all, keeping you separate from others and Life by keeping you in judgment rather than presence. Well done! Gassho
I have a compulsive need to act correctly, am constantly monitoring myself and being compared with others. Attention on self-criticizing thoughts. Fear of failure leads me to procrastinate and be very indecisive. Do gooder--do what should be done rather than what one wants to do Pleasure as an escape valve
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Classic One, right? Isn’t it a relief to realize it’s a “program” and not you? It’s critical to keep in awareness that ego is doing the monitoring, judging, criticizing, and “shoulding,” not you. It’s all being done to you, not by you. Good job! Gassho
My authentic human being enjoys taking care of parents. However, why should I give in standing up for my rights of equality with responsibility-shirking brothers when their not- frowned- upon behaviour really angers me. Why surrender to their typically male prerogative?
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Is this you demonstrating the Enneatype One in action? If so, good job! We can see how much suffering there is in the righteousness of the One. Interesting to see the right/wrong spring to the fore, even though you “enjoy taking care of parents.” For the Enneatype One it’s going to be a “matter of principle,” right. Doesn’t matter if I enjoy what I’m doing, others should be made to “do their part.” Gassho
Intention: Pay attention to small decisions regarding food. Conditioning says, "You can/should pay attention to ALL small decisions (perfection, self-improvement becomes the goal)," then, when I "fail", self-hate tortures me, talks me into bad decisions, and the cycle begins again. Freedom lies in seeing process, not achieving outcomes. Gassho R/L
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Indeed, that is so. And, you are seeing that process, aren’t you? As we say around practice, “the process is the outcome.” We will never “get” anything other than what we’re “doing” in any moment. Seems to me you’re clear and ready to drop that voice of conditioning that’s the only difficulty in all these areas. True? Gassho
Perfection shows up in the form of resistance. Also sneaks in even with practice. If I do not practice "perfectly," egocentrickarmicconditioning/self hate bamboozles me into believing I do not measure up. The real gift is seeing this for a lie. R/L
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Amen to that! It doesn’t matter what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is trying to pull over on us as long as we see it. We’re practicing awareness, not ego’s yammer about perfection. Again, as we see that “perfection” is pure ego, our willingness to drop it goes way up! I have to be perfect so that what? I’ll be better than you? Better than everybody? The best person ever? Can’t hide the ego in that program! Gassho
Amazed - the emotion of anger internalized is resentment! I definitely get hit with virtuous and responsible’ and circumvent my own desires for that which should be done’! But the outcome’s horrible! Time to look for middle ground for what needs to be done and what the human needs. R/L
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Very good! Time to look to Life instead of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, right? In my experience Life will never ask us to do more than is good for us. As soon as we hear a conversation about “should be done,” we can know we’ve slipped over into egoland. Gassho
In a group setting / meeting, karmic conditioning story is something wrong. This human is talked out of participating, fear of making mistake, sounding "stupid". Isolates me from life. Conditioning story is there will be "next time" but plays the same game next time. R/L
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Talk about “good to see,” huh? It’s controlling you. That’s all that’s going on. It doesn’t care about making mistakes or you sounding stupid—it just wants you to do what it says all the time. Why? Because that will ensure you’re looking to it, giving all attention to it, all the time. The “all the time” is a critical piece of this. There can’t be any gaps in the attention it gets because in those gaps, it disappears! That’s what we’re going for. You can use your R/L here. Make a recording you listen to right before the meeting. Lots of reassurance and unconditional love and support. Make a recording you listen to right after the meeting reminding you there will be no post mortems, no reviews. And stick to that! Okay? Don’t entertain a single word those voices have to say. Lots of praise and support for the brave human stepping up. Gassho
The egocentrickarmicconditioning/self hate claims that I am all characteristics. A fear is that if I am One, then what the rest. Content is advocating for healthcare and deep resentments for having to with ACOA work. Focusing on the wrong, distracts from whats right in my thisherenow with gratitude. R/L
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The essential piece is captured in, “Focusing on the wrong distracts from being in thisherenow with gratitude.” Notice I’ve altered the sentence. It’s not “what’s right” and it’s not “my” thisherenow. The fear, the resentment, all the stories keep us from being present. Period. That’s how the suffering happens. You know it’s possible to be present, in gratitude. There. That’s it. All the rest is just crapola aimed at causing suffering. Gassho
Ego's constant criticism of me and others is vicious, petty, and relentless. It keeps me separate and small. At home alone, I'm better able to dis-identify. At work or in public ego hits with everything it's got. I see it, but am unable to stay above water. It's exhausting. R/L Gassho
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Ego does exhaust, that’s for sure. For that reason we are practicing dropping it everywhere, all the time. That “dropping” is a process. You’ve seen how vicious, petty, and relentless it is, yet you still believe it. That’s where the work is. It’s a disembodied voice in the head. It has no power. It has no life! It spews mean and nasty stuff around the clock. If it were a radio you could change the channel or turn it off. That’s what we’re learning to do. Get a massive number of recordings to remind you that it is an imaginary, nasty bully. Add to those recordings the fact that it can’t do anything to anybody except be vicious. Add that you don’t need to believe it, and in fact can begin to see it as a joke. It’s a buffoon. Okay? Rest and relaxation is ahead! (I just had an exchange with your neighbor two “doors” down that you might enjoy.) Gassho
Ego says I/they can't be perfect this way. There's shame that I know something is bad yet want it OR frustration that others don't follow my "wisdom" so we can all be better-off. Seems desire for Love that's perceived as lacking motivates, so why not practice going to Love? R/L
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Oh, what a truly BRILLIANT question! I sense you’re going to do that. Am I right? Say yes! Gassho
Every word in the description perfectly described “my” experience of life. How wonderful to spend the day watching those tendencies arise and seeing them for what they are: not me, not reality, just a karmic lens. Particularly dropping “the compulsive need to act on what seems correct.” Freedom! R/L.
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Don’t you just LOVE practice? That’s the rest and relaxation I was just promising to your neighbor—we just watch it. Has nothing to do with us. It’s just an old movie. Soon we’ll turn it off and just sit. Or go for a walk. Or have a cup of tea. Or…. Gassho
The voices constantly comment about what’s wrong with commands to fix it. “Should, Should, Should” Noticing how egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate sets me up to fix problems and then complicates the “solution” via six, my dominant type. Perceiving without problems disconnects the dissatisfaction machine from the grid, thereby disabling its movement. R/L
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There you are! We just drop the overlay. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is an “add on,” always coming after. Life unfolds and ego jumps in with, “Well, but what about…? That’s not right. That should/you should… “ If we just stay with Life unfolding we miss all that, don’t we? Gassho
It's a huge miracle! Even with conditioning looking for everything that is wrong/needs fixing, I know deep in my heart everything is perfect just the way it is! I choose to move to Presence, to Essence; the shift happens instantly. Overflowing gratitude that Life offers this to me. R/L
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It is a huge miracle, isn’t it? And we have to practice that miracle moment by moment. “I choose to move to Presence… “ Moment by moment by moment by moment. A great Life plan, yes? Gassho
I use to try to control life to avoid fear. the perfectionist personality thought it was possible!
then beloved husband died traumatically and with facing the pain of not being able to control anything, respect and gratitude for all of life became stronger than deluded pride and fear, something deep relaxed. Gassho. R/L
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In our lingo we would say, “Ego used to control you out of fear that you would give attention to Life and ego would cease to exist.” That’s happening, isn’t it? We often say, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” You truly get that, don’t you? Gassho