My expectations of people and myself constantly put me into a state of frustration, irritation and self-criticism. Reading through the exercise and assignment, I immediately sunk from Essence (excitement about learning) to personality (frustration/don't know what's expected/right answer). And so, I procrastinated. R/L
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This is where we say, “Good job!” right? You are practicing awareness. You saw the whole thing play out. The choice now is whether to let ego (the source of those expectations, by the way) go to a “you need to believe all this and take it personally” place or to stay in awareness and say “thank you” for the insights that move you closer to freedom. I bet you’re going with choice #2, yes? Gassho
Sense of urgency/overwhelming conviction that "I'm right" has created avalanches of suffering in the past. Now if "this is SO wrong and I need to fix it right now!" pops up, it's a signal to drop into stillness and ask "who says so?" Simply life-changing. R/L Gassho
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And now you get to practice with that on subtler and subtler levels, right? Gassho
Perfection: eager to sabotage from the start. Stress over "perfect" response freezes brain, causes restlessness and desire to engage in addictive behaviors. Keeping this up until it is "too late" to send response effectively stops any momentum at the beginning, then it can beat me up for not following through.
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As with your neighbor two doors up, this is a cause for great celebration, isn’t it? You’re seeing the whole ego/karma mess clearly, which is the point of awareness practice. This is not perfection practice or even self-improvement practice, it’s awareness practice—and that’s what you’re doing. Do a process map of this (in big letters) and put it in a prominent place and start making lots of recordings that keep these insights alive, please. Gassho
Paying attention I can see how egocentric karmic conditioning pushes me to be perfect, bamboozles me to achieve its standards, criticizes me and tells me I don't do anything right. The mentor is kind wise compassionate shows me how to love myself unconditionally and to ensure I know whats true, R/L
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The choice becomes clearer and clearer, doesn’t it? In each moment we can go with ego’s relentless “something wrong/not enough” or we can go with Life’s (in the form of the Mentor) unconditional love and compassionate guidance. Gassho
Ignoring what is and fighting for the way I think it should be creates tension! It also keeps me from ease, seeing what is available and appreciating it. R/L
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As I was just saying to your neighbor, the choice between those two perspectives gets clearer day by day. You’re now able to see how ego (being an illusion of someone living outside Life’s unfolding) is constantly fighting to maintain its illusory position. There’s tremendous tension in keeping up that illusion of separation. It’s the stress that’s killing people! Good to see you don’t need to do that, yes? Gassho
Seeing how reactivity to life situations comes from looking for “what’s right/wrong.” The tipoff: these life situations are not big deals and can be addressed quite simply. Process: anger, repressing anger, and grousing, which substitutes for taking simple action to address the situation. Now: look for the simple action! R/L
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Yes! No situation is too insignificant for ego to come at with negativity and rejection! Ego is NO! to the YES! that is Life. Life unfolds; ego says “NO!” and digs in imaginary heels to resist what is. Can it alter what is? Of course not. But that doesn’t stop the conversation in the head that makes people suffer. Ego is like a little kid believing a temper tantrum is going to control unwanted circumstances. After a while the temper tantrum becomes the identity and the situations are just an excuse for indulging one. Gassho
Practicing with caring for this being while caring for very sick loved one and seeing how the default is compulsively doing work as a way to control anything/something! "Doing work" trumps everything sometimes; even practice. Seeing belief, "if I just keep working, we'll be okay." Plan; meditate now. R/L
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That’s good to see and very sad, too, isn’t it? We can see a child’s “magical thinking” in it. “If I just be good nothing bad will ever happen.” “Doing work” feeds ego and leaves the human tired and drained. Time to give that good, sincere person a break and take away ego’s ability to act out its hateful manipulations. Gassho
Getting behind in Project Joy because of ego’s “never good enough/needs to be perfect”. Realized that it only takes one second to be HERE and get the clarity to contribute to the assignment. Ask and listen. Now glad there is no time for noodling. R/L
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BRILLIANT! Absolutely brilliant. What a blessing that it only takes a split second to get HERE and receive Life’s guidance. “Ask and listen.” NO TIME TO NOODLE! Hope everyone sees that as clearly. Gassho
Habitual thought: “‘I am one who does it right.” Saw egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate actually always focusing on past or possible “errors.” Perfectionism’s goal is not to do it “right”/”improve” (and so be safe) but suffering over how wrong “I” is. It doesn’t do what it claims to do! Dropping, he’s okay. R/L
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Yes, indeed. Ego lies. It promises and never delivers on the promises. Your statement, “Dropping, he’s okay,” is a critical insight. We will never be okay until we drop it! The only “problem” we humans have comes from listening to and believing voices in conditioned mind that claim there’s “something wrong/not enough.” Drop that and we’re just fine! Gassho
I was looking at my experience of pleasure as an escape patch from always being the right person who is "doing what needs to be done" - i.e. fixing what's wrong. When I'm present, on the other hand, pleasure is my whole life, it's woven through the whole fabric. R/L
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You make another compelling argument for being here. When we’re not present, we’re caught in ego’s world of “you gotta,” which is followed by ego’s “do X to reward yourself,” and slowly it dawns on us that the reward is not rewarding. Blessedly, we come to that conclusion via the realization that what’s rewarding/what’s truly pleasurable is thisherenow. Gassho
Sometimes it seems as though the question is, how am I NOT a Perfectionist One?! The focus on knowing what’s right, being good, being right keeps the attention on an imaginary duality, hostage to the belief that figuring out and doing what’s right is the RIGHT thing to do. Gassho
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Exactly so. The person told by conditioning that they’re a “people pleaser” is actually a “people dis-pleaser,” since the only thing they’re allowed to see is the times (imaginary and real) that someone is dis-pleased with them. In the same way the “perfectionist” is, as you note, a not-perfectionist, only allowed to take in ego’s assessment of the times they’re wrong, not meeting the standard. Gassho
When identified with perfectionism there is a bad, wrong choice to make. Fear says, make this choice because it’s the good, right thing to do. Life says flip a coin, keep practice first, presence will show the way. Choosing to trust unconditional-love to lead, and NOT conditioned mind! R/L
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That’s practice! When we’re identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, there is no good choice. When with Life, there’s no bad choice! Gassho
I have difficulty when people are deceitful and when they lie. Ego wants revenge and to make it right and becomes obsessed with action. Then ego turns on me as if I was the cause of it and if I were perfect, they wouldn't be that way. R/L Gassho
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No one ever promised us egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate would be logical, rational, or sensible, or that it wouldn’t lie at every turn! We’re seeing how it is and what it does, and the seeing will set us free—if we don’t continue to listen to it, believe it, and do what it says. This is where the image of “it’s a ping pong match and you’re the ball” is helpful to see clearly. You’re smacked from one side of a duality to the other and then blamed for the whole game! Gassho
My perfectionist side totally holds me hostage, to the point of not submitting my class 1 submission. So I am perfunctorily responding. I AM seeing how this perfectionist side is involved with literally everything in my life and mind.
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Good! Now begin to see that NONE OF IT is “you.” There’s a voice in your head talking (ego) and ego is listening. This is actually ego talking to ego. Discovering that “you” are the awareness that’s observing the whole thing shows you the doorway to freedom. Gassho
This speaks to one of my areas of greatest struggle. I grew up always watched for missteps. Now I am the watcher, of myself and others. Behind this mask, it is hard to be present, joyful, compassionate, to appreciate the “is,” not seek the “should.” It’s living half a life. R/L
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It’s not even half, actually. Here’s the first place to drop the story: Just about everyone grew up being watched for missteps and internalized that process. That’s a big part of what gave ego its opening to take over a human life. Now you’re seeing how that’s playing out currently. That’s the place to focus. Doesn’t matter what happened in childhood. Doesn’t matter what happened a minute ago! You’ve seen the system in action and your job—your opportunity—is to remove it from office! You can see that what you’re seeking is being kept from you because attention is habitually directed to conditioned mind. Time to break that habit, get current, turn attention to thisherenow, and have that joyful presence that is yours to have. Gassho
Conditioning's habitual response around perfectionism hi-jacks my willingness to simply try something in many areas of my daily life...whether it be a new activity or continuing to do something that I know brings comfort & joy. Perfectionism hobbles my life force. Noticing it's not so subtle language is the key. R/L
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There you are! When we turn attention to the process, we realize there’s nothing subtle at all about how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is doing what it’s doing to us. This is very helpful because seeing the problem clearly gives us the solution, yes? You know that the conversation in conditioned mind is controlling you. Now you know you need to stop listening to it, believing it, and doing what it says. Voila! Freedom. Gassho
After looking at what is wrong, I allow myself to stop taking action. I find people, in very different life circumstances, and compare my situation to theirs, and find mine lacking. I strive for improvement; maybe if I go in this direction, I’ll find my way out of dissatisfaction? R/L
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If that’s a serious question, the only serious response can be NO! Maybe if you noodle around in conditioned mind as it compares you to other people (gosh, unfavorably as it turns out), and listen to its self-improvement plans you’ll find satisfaction? Maybe if you follow the guidance of a crazed, psychotic dictator you can find freedom…. Have I convinced you I don’t see that as a good direction? Read what your classmates are up to and the responses they’re receiving and you’ll get a sense of a much better direction to be taking. Gassho
Have to get everything right to be safe, resulting in constant scanning for how to be right, feeling fearful. “Right” is never defined. Safe from what is never mention. When I drop veil of resentment, I see other people not getting it “right” AND being fine. SO helpful, thrilling too.
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Thrilling! Awareness is THRILLING. What you’re getting to see is that the only thing we have to fear is the fear-mongering ego creating imaginary fearful scenarios so it can continue to grab all the attention. Drop that and, yep, thrilling is a great word to describe the result. Gassho
My process is looking to what’s wrong with me, constantly scanning, comparing, and criticizing myself and others. This serves to keep the focus internal and small, squarely in control of egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate. Oy. Good to remember it’s not ME having these thoughts but a process I’m caught in. R/L
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YES! It’s essential to remember that—hence the importance of R/L. Stepping back from it we can see how utterly egocentric that focus is, right? I, I, I followed by me, me, me followed by mine, mine, mine and absolutely nothing except negativity available for anyone else. The process is completely self-serving but packaged as “an effort to be a good/right person.” As soon as we see it as the egocentric horse pucky it is, we are highly motivated to drop it! Gassho
Feel depressed that the house is not perfect and anxious that I am not remedying. The perfection of all that is would accept that I am doing the best I can and however the house looks, it is not worth my peace of mind to worry about it. R/L
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You’re not depressed that the house is not perfect; you’re depressed because all your attention is on an energy-sucking conversation in conditioned mind about how the house isn’t perfect and it’s your fault. The house has nothing to do with it! If it weren’t the house, it would be something else. It was something else before, wasn’t it? It’s always been something. There’s always been something that wasn’t right and it’s always been your fault! It is indeed a process, and as you drop that process you’ll have all the energy required to do whatever Life is calling you to. That might just be to take care of the house! Gassho
I see that Perfectionist One when I want to try something new or to do R/L---the voices come in with, "Wait to see what others do with it first---and then follow their lead. You probably won't do it just right. Find some examples before you dive in. R/L with much effort!!!
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How about this: Drop the effort and just R/L. What it all comes down to is this question: Do you want the Unconditional Love of Life or do you want ego? That’s the question for all of us all the time. In each moment we can give attention to the Intelligence animating us or to ego. It really is that simple. Effort is ALWAYS ego. Gassho
Have been a dominant one for most of my life. Needing to be right brought much suffering. Through practice have seen clearly different way of being. New awareness was watching movement into resentment. Instead practice finding joy in what I choose to do or make a different decision. R/L Gassho
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There we have it! You’re paying attention. You’re seeing how it works and you’re choosing where to give attention. That’s the whole deal. Congratulations. Keep watching! Gassho
Resistance to write. Don't see myself as a perfectionist .There seems to be a hiarchy of someone as special and important that I never can fit in or get included so I always settle for feeling less then and feeling bad . Good to see R/L
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Yes, and isn’t that whole thing coming from a “perfectionist” perspective? You don’t meet the standard of perfection so you don’t count and you don’t get to participate. Do you see that whole process is happening in conditioned mind? The resistance, the “I don’t see myself,” the hierarchy, the comparison to those that are special and important, the feeling less than and feeling bad are all happening in an ego-maintaining conversations in conditioned mind. “Your” contribution is being the human whose life-force is being used to do all of that! Gassho