My twist on having a helper/2 lenses is to avoid my 4-emotional turbulence by focusing on helping others. I'm so distracted from learning to take care myself and even from truly seeing others through my own pain--I concentrate on my goals, forget my needs and forget hearing others.
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How about if we phrase it this way: You’re so distracted by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, listening to and believing whatever it’s currently putting forth that urgently needs attention, that you’re unable to see anything but what it’s telling you to see/do. Sound about right? Realizing all the “emotional turbulence,” helping others, caring for yourself, seeing others, goals, etc. is just “stuff” ego gets you to focus on rather than being HERE. Seeing that process, rather than getting bamboozled by the “variety” of content, can simplify. Gassho
For years, I’ve been a leader in volunteer organizations, where I can very easily slip into this dynamic, taking on more than I really want to, viewing myself as the only competent one, ending up feeling overwrought, drained, resentful. Doesn’t happen when I remember to focus on people, not agenda. R/L
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Might we say doesn’t happen when you’re present rather than following an Enneatype One/Two combo around? One could be focused exclusively on people and if the “gotta be dynamic, take on more than I want to do, see myself as the only competent one” is running the show, overwrought, drained, and resentful could very easily be the result still. Yes? Gassho
I deny my own needs so others will like/approve of me, even expecting others to recognize unacknowledged needs. Feeling angry, unappreciated when they don’t. Concurrently, project “neediness,” impatience, judgment onto enneatype 2 sister. So excited to see this process, begin acknowledging my own needs, bringing kindness to being human. R/L
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It is good for us to be sensitive to what the authentic human being needs, that’s true, and even better that we begin to see how the conversation in conditioned mind is jerking us around. You could do everything those voices say you need to do to “meet your needs,” and still the voices would want you to judge and resent your sister. Turning attention away from the voices of ego resolves ALL our issues! Gassho
If identified with “two,” feel need to “fix;” need to eradicate suffering from anything/anyone so all (I) will feel happy/loving. This is frustrating and unrewarding. Now we’re all suffering! No way to care for self/others. At presence I just love and be loving, enjoying Life unfolding. Way better! R/L
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Way better! The boat is going down. Taking off my life vest and jumping into the water is not going to help anyone! What to do? Put on a life vest, get a lifeboat, fill the lifeboat with life vests, put the boat in the water, and see who wants to get in and put on a vest. It’s hard to accept but there are those who would rather drown in their “rightness” than to get in the boat. We don’t choose to be one of those, do we? Gassho
I get hooked by certainty that I know best. Often giving advice that I don't live by. I get feelings of calm & control, which ego loves but is bogus. I joke that I manic between thinking ‘I should read a self-help book’ & ‘I should write a self-help book’.
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A very serious joking, isn’t it? Your point is an important one: When we do what ego tells us to do, we’re allowed feelings of calm and control. Not always though, right? But we know, even as it’s happening, that the whole thing is bogus. When we face walking the talk, we see ego get hysterical. That’s the place we want to be practicing! Gassho
Oh, yes, seeking approval and needing appreciation: the glasses that it’s so easy to forget are removable. Just being aware that they’re there makes all the difference. Much gratitude for this practice! Thank you. Practice, practice, practice.
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Now there’s a statement worthy of painting on a prominent wall: What are the glasses I’m seeing though and have forgotten are removable? There’s always a lens and it’s usually of ego’s making. Just realizing that and stopping to see what it is (what am I projecting, what are the voices saying, what’s the story I’m believing, etc.), can be a GIANT step toward freedom. Gassho
See cycle of emotionally, physically impaired adult child asking for financial help. I help to relieve her suffering in the moment. Does this help relieve her suffering in the long-term? Listening to Egocentrickarmiconditioning/self-hate creates fear, sadness, guilt so I help which feels good then listening to Egocentrickarmiconditioning/self-hate creates anger. R/L
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Yep. Seems the commonality there is “listening to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate,” doesn’t it? Listen to that ego-maintenance system and go to fear, sadness, guilt, resentment, anger… Two people doing that same process. Might be helpful for the one who sees it to stop? PS Please don’t capitalize egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate; capital letters are for important things and that system definitely isn’t! Gassho
Identified as a Type 2 , I experience an image in my mind of the person I'm feeling sorry for and who is needing my help. This image takes over my attention to the exclusion of what I am needing and keeps me from enjoying and appreciating that person as they are. R/L
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That kind of “ego pity” keeps us from enjoying and appreciating everything, doesn’t it? We can see the egocentricity in it—ego being egocentric, that is. Ego takes over with its faux concern for “someone else” (it is NEVER concerned for anything but itself), and all present moment enjoyment and appreciation vanishes, gobbled up by the insatiable greed of ego. Gassho
To make conversation, I often ask people about themselves. This is often accompanied by the thought/feeling: they are more important and interesting than I am. My own sense of self and self-worth get lost. I "survive" it until I can get back to me. R/L
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When you read that over, do you see the ego bamboozle? You ask people how they are (ego doesn’t want to know or care), then the story about how much more interesting and important they are starts up in conditioned mind, then ego “survives” (read gobbles up all that delicious suffering) until ego can get back to focusing on ego full-time—as if it had ever been doing anything else! What’s missing in that story is an authentic human being! You have an R/L practice. Please use it to be in relationship with the human being continuing to be conned into that “to make conversation” crapola. Do you want to “make conversation” or be present with you and others? (That was a rhetorical question; I know the answer!) Gassho
I notice the "two" in the need to have everybody around me feel comfortable with their opinions. If someone says something I know to be factually false, I don't challenge it, not to make them uncomfortable. Just saw the belief that MY approval is a big deal for them! R/L
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And that’s such a “right” thing to be doing, isn’t it? I know what is true but I’m not going to say anything as a way of “taking care of” you. Taking care of others is part of the “being the right person” Enneatype One package. Fun to see how it all fits together, isn’t it? Gassho
The belief that being helpful to others will produce safety and happiness for me runs very deep. Decades of ego trying to cajole other egos; comical on one level (buying self-help books for others) but bruising for the human as needs were suppressed. Still very hard to acknowledge needs. R/L.
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Actually, we don’t need to acknowledge needs. Or meet them. There’s a lot about that sort of thing when we do workshops like that. But as we continue to get clear, we can see that what people are calling “needs” is usually just ego “wants.” When we are at center, all our needs are met. If we’re not at center we can twist ourselves—and everyone else!—into knots “trying to meet my needs,” but it will never bring us satisfaction. Get that person to the present and in the present watch all “needs” be fulfilled. Gassho
Stories are the opposite of two’s: don’t make any difference, can’t tell what people need so can’t help, nothing to offer, don’t bother anyone. Appreciated? For what? Perhaps the other side of the same coin? Only response: drop stop and return to thisherenow. R/L Gassho
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I’m hoping you’re presenting that as “this is what self-hate sounds like to me in conditioned mind.” Or, “If I were to listen to the voices in conditioned mind I would hear those kinds of things so when they start up, I drop them and turn attention to thisherenow.” Yes? If there’s any entertaining or indulging that hatefulness it’s time for an intervention along the lines of “get thee to the Monastery, NOW!” Gassho
When I am helpful to "look good" or be the "right person," I feel validated for a while but that passes. When I seek to be of service just because it's what the heart wants, I am completely fulfilled and need no validation whether I "help" anyone or not.. R/L
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Proving “it’s not what, it’s how,” right? The same behaviors can come from very different places and they produce very different results. (The process being the outcome.) Again, when we’re present all our “needs” are met. Gassho
For me it is more seeking approval than receiving appreciation. When seeking approval, there is no checking in with myself and my needs. See that what is really needed is my own approval and love and in that, there is care for this person and conditioning is ignored! R/L
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You’re pointing at a very important subtlety: Seeking approval is ego going after what it wants (and never gets because satisfaction is not possible for ego); while receiving appreciation is presence to what is. When we’re present we’re not taking the human being (ourselves) personally so to appreciate that “unique expression of Life” (ourselves) is natural. We care for “this” person and “that” person equally, realizing separation is an illusion. Gassho
Seeing that when I offer help from a place of awareness, appreciation and love, are already present. There is no need to seek those things from outside. How sweet it is to realize this and experience love and appreciation without the motivations of conditioned mind! R/L
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Can we get an AMEN!? Gassho
Ego says it’s all too much and argues for giving up so that I can take care of myself. The Mentor offers the appreciation I was seeking. Back to gratitude, no becomes yes: dropping the resistance I can be of service to all and take care of myself. R/L Gassho
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We can “be of service to all and take care of myself” because when we drop ego we realize there is no “myself” separate from all, yes? Gassho
If I’m lovable because I’m helpful to others, what happens when I’m not able to "do" the things that egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate tells me make me worthy/lovable? If I’m "being," is that good enough? Life says yes. Life says that what’s truly helpful is presence + compassion + unconditional love. R/L.
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I’m going with Life and it sounds like you are too! Gassho
Rushing to be the one to do the job. Self righteous almost arrogant on how well I did. I saved the day. Angry not recognized enough. Resentful, I went out of my way and its not recognized. Ego wants acknowledgement; recognition from the outside. Such an inside job. Gassho R/L
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As we see that everything is never enough for ego we find the willingness to stop trying to feed an insatiable hungry ghost. True? Now the practice is to start noticing the “rush to be the one” and begin to cut ego off at that pass! Gassho
I had to really think about if I could be a bully and manipulative. Yes. All under the the umbrella of ""caring."" Still inquiring into ""what is my value if I am not needed?. And ""who"" wants to know? Gassho. R/L
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Well, here’s a big hint: Stop thinking. All those “figuring out” questions are ploys to get a person noodling around in conditioned mind rather than being present to thisherenow. When we’re HERE, the Intelligence That Animates will “drop in” clarity for you, and that clarity will answer your questions. When we look to conditioned mind we’re going to get “ego answers.” Those are not the ones we want. Just practice staying in awareness, eyes open, and all will be revealed. Gassho
Curious about the often long phone calls sponsoring others. Sometimes plan to get off phone by certain time, but don’t. Want so much for other person to have tools to be free, happy. Also curious if need to be needed” has me helping students overmuch, fostering dependence. Places to look. R/L
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Those are excellent places to look. As I was encouraging your neighbor, those are not things to “figure out” but places to stay open and notice what you see. You might set an alarm for the amount of time you have for the call, let the person know what your time frame is, and watch what conditioning does when it’s time to say goodbye. There will be big clues as you “flush out” ego’s tactics. Gassho
LOUD BONG! All aspects of this ring true for “me” --beginning to see it now as one progression. Being controlling, irrational, and cruel is the manifestation of ego’s desperate need to get praise. So, encouraging this human to take care of herself is actually what is kindest /most helpful to all. R/L
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Yes, and for all those living in a “not caring for myself” world, it’s important to realize that the “taking care of myself” that’s required is having the time and space really to get it HOW egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is doing what it’s doing and developing the practice that will put an end to its nefarious deeds. What will take care of us and meet all our needs is ending the abusive relationship with ego in conditioned mind. Yes? That’s what brings the lovingkindness, compassion, and unconditional love we seek. Gassho
Seeing an unconscious story that what I do is critical. Then I/ego dismisses any appreciation that is given and the story is changed to "what I do doesn’t matter at all." Then I have to push through that to see that I do what I do for me, my heart. R/L
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That’s a very helpful description of practice. First we bring consciousness to unconsciousness. We watch ego on one side of a duality, then how it jumps to the other side. We stay with the noticing, not getting caught in the content of either of the opposites, and we move to a place of clarity that “all this” (all life experiences) are for me, for my heart, for my awakening. Lovely. Thank you. Gassho
Helper: I really don't have needs! Easy to forget (read abandon) self while attending to others. Abandoning this human translates to abandoning life and all it has to offer. Working on presence to this/here/now to meet all needs for self and others. R/L
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Yes. Identification with ego is leaving presence to suffer in a world of “what’s wrong.” As we return to thisherenow (slashes are not necessary as thisherenow is one “thing”), to a nonseparate reality, all needs are met, all desires fulfilled. Gassho
I’m exhausted! I want to cry. Who will help me? I see the incessant drive to help others burns me out; has me yearning for care, which I could give myself. Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate makes me feel bad when taking care of myself means I don’t extend help to another. R/L
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All this suffering is ended when we turn to Life rather than egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate for guidance. Life is a perfect time manager! There’s only ever what there is to do in this moment, in this moment. It’s really a perfect system. Then ego comes in with its “no, what you need to do is that and that and that other thing and you need to do them all now so you’re already behind and late but if you feel that urgency and tense up some more you’ll be able to do it all and you’ll be able to be present and enjoy life later.” How do we solve that? Stop listening to those voices. You said it; egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate makes you feel bad. Not just about this content, right? In general. It just makes people feel bad. But if we don’t listen to it, it can’t make us feel bad. That’s the secret. Give all attention to the beauty, peace, love, kindness, and joy of Life and feeling bad is not possible. Gassho
Huge resonance with belief that "my love" is vital to others and therefore makes me indispensable; if "I" weren't in the world, loved ones couldn't survive or would be miserable. What a bunch of horse pucky! Nice to know it's conditioning and nothing to take personally or act out of. R/L
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Don’t you just love awareness?! All that stuff that we’ve been conditioned to believe that is making us so miserable is nothing but horse pucky. Nonsense. Bull hocky. Crapola. Not a shred of truth in any of it! Hallelujah. Time to celebrate. Throw a Gratitude Party! Gassho
So enjoy being there for others. Love my roles as wife, mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, zen student, business partner. It feeds my soul. Egocentrickarmicconditioning sets up an impossible system of suffering because of frequent scheduling conflicts. Need to be here and there simultaneously. This is such a familiar place. R/L
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Neighbors a couple of doors up got the encouragement I’ll offer to you: We suffer over that kind of thing when we’re looking to conditioned mind for guidance rather than to Life. Life is a perfect time manager! There’s only ever what there is to do in this moment, in this moment. It’s really a perfect system. Ego sets up the scheduling conflicts so there’ll be suffering. When we’re looking to Life, that doesn’t happen. In fact, quite the opposite happens. We have something on the schedule that is suddenly canceled, giving us a bunch of time we thought was already spoken for. We’re always and only ever HERE. If we think there’s a “there,” we can know conditioned mind is up to its dirty tricks! Gassho
I see type 2 in me around dismissing my own needs at times. There is often a story of guilt or avoidance for receiving from others too. When present, everyone is included and the experience of helpfulness is completely different than ego's version. Presence is unconditional, inclusive and impersonal. Gassho. R/L
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That’s a great picture of those two different experiences. I have to sacrifice myself for others, but I feel guilty if others do something for me—ego in action. When present, everyone is included and giving and receiving are one. That’s it! Gassho
Helping with an ulterior motive isn’t helpful, and I see ego’s desire to do it a lot. Steamrolling ahead without listening to what is actually helpful, is a big clue. I’d say “instead of helping them, I’m trying to help me,” but ego is trying to help itself. R/L
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There you go! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is always manipulating to get itself center stage but wants us to believe whatever it’s doing is something we’re doing. It’s like a little kid who steals candy and then points to another kid and says, “S/he did it!” Only it’s not so benign, is it? By the time we have a “full grown ego,” we’ve got a nasty customer to deal with. So yes, it steamrolls ahead as a way of creating maximum suffering energy and then blames you for the whole thing. Kind of like having a big meal and then beating you up is the dessert! Gassho
No.2 shows up sometimes when there is a person I really want to spend time with, I’ll offer to help no matter what my skill level. For example, with a plumbing problem, I’d offer to help, when what might be really helpful is the number of a plumber. Gassho R/L
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A great image! Thank you for a good laugh! And, that’s where we want to get with this stuff, right? We just have to laugh at its antics, which we can only do when we’ve disidentified from it and are no longer taking it personally. It’s not me, it slides back and forth from being hateful to pathetic, and the best way to handle it is to laugh at it. Gassho
If I'm helpful, they'll think I'm a good person. That momentary feel-good pay off is rapidly replaced by the vicious voice reminding me that I'm worthless. I'm not much of a helper in life because I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and receive a painful beating.
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Here we see egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate making a terrible pairing of Enneatype One and Two, yes? You help because you’re told by the voices in conditioned mind that that will make you a good person, and then you’re told you’re not a good person and beaten. It’s ugly, isn’t it? What you wrote is all the information we would ever need that getting out of that abusive relationship needs to be Job # 1 for every human being. Stick around, please, cause that’s what this practice is all about! Gassho
This being the most "familiar" enneatype from ego perspective has provided much opportunity for practice. Thankfully the tendency to "help others" is recognized sooner, with reminder to turn away from that, check in with Mentor, and Life, for guidance rather than to others for love and approval. R/L Gassho
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Because that “turning to others for love and approval” isn’t turning to “others” at all. That turning is to conditioned mind, and we’re never going to get either love or approval from conditioned mind. Turning to Mentor, to Life, is the place to turn for love and approval, isn’t it? Gassho
HUGE resistance to this exercise. Why?? Recording/listening, it drops in that Two-style motivations underlie my most precious relationships, those with my daughters. Disheartened: I’m deluded about the “purity” of my love then realize that’s just another story ego can beat me with! Without the story, relationships are fine!
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HUGE success with this exercise! Gotta love that R/L, huh? Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate just can’t hide out and pull its shenanigans when we use R/L to turn the light of conscious, compassionate awareness on what’s happening. Gassho
Identified as a Two, I believe ego's con game that being needed means I'll never be abandoned. When the efforts go unnoticed I feel invisible and yep, abandoned. R/L
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So important! “Identified as a Two, I believe ego’s con game…” We could just pare that down to “Identified, I believe ego’s con game…” couldn’t we? And the result of “identified” is always “abandoned.” It’s so helpful to see the overarching process driving the focus on a particular content in getting the distance we need to dis-identify. Gassho
Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate tells opposite lies: "you are so superior you should help others who aren't you" and also "you are so pathetic you may as well help others who have a chance to actually be someone." I feel responsible for others' happiness and lack thereof. Hard to even allow my own preferences to surface.
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It’s helpful to see you’re caught in a “heads you lose; tails you lose” story, isn’t it? Now you can start looking to something that will be truly helpful—ceasing to believe those voices that talk about “being responsible for other’s happiness.” Consider this: Do you believe others are responsible for your happiness? Do you believe someone else can do something that will give you the lasting happiness you seek? I bet the answer to those questions is “no, I don’t believe that” because we can see the notion is bogus. Now we can extrapolate, right? If no one is responsible for your happiness, it’s most likely that you are not responsible for anyone else’s. Uh huh. Drop that and what are you left with? Gassho
Can relate to the Two’s need for approval and to how they can lose sight of their own needs while in pursuit of approval. Time and Practice have shown that participation is a way to feel belonging/contribution without the need for individual recognition/approval does not result in resentment!! R/L
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Great point! We don’t need to “do” to “get.” We can participate, in a “we’re all in this together, giving is receiving and receiving is giving” way. That’s an experience of “no self and other,” isn’t it? Very helpful. Gassho
An extended period of ill-health has highlighted how I’ve identified as a helper. As mother/ teacher I had plenty of opportunity to be selfless and resentful (type1). It’s possible that much of my current health challenge had to do with taking care of others at my own expense. R/L.
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Here’s an encouragement: Framed that’s way it can be easy for egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate to blame you for your ill health. If there is any “fault,” I’m betting it could be pinned on the voices in conditioned mind that were directing you to be “selfless” and then resentful. In fact, whatever the issue, when we look for “how is this resulting in suffering” we’re going to find ego at the root of it. Know what I mean? Gassho
When identified as type two, I believe I can and should be who ego says people need me to be. Ego says "Hide desire for appreciation. Everyone else is more important." "It's embarrassing that you try so hard". Practice with projection offers freedom from these beliefs. R/L
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That’s a great practice tip for all of us: Watch the projections. What are the voices saying about me, about them, about that? Follow those back and find ego spreading its lies and rumors! As we recognize egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate at work, we can let it go and come back to thisherenow. Freedom! Gassho
Working on the assignment, had a sense of my enneatype being the “main plot”, with all the other enneatypes being sub-plots designed to keep the attention busy so the core belief of the enneatype remains well hidden and out of sight of unconditional love. Until now! R/L
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Go Super Sleuth! Do keep in mind as you’re watching all this that there is no “my” in any of it. There’s the “main plot” and all the “sub-plots” (we could say dominant karma and lesser karmas, dominant personality and sub-personalities), but they’re all ego. No reason to own any of it. “You” are the awareness that is aware of all of it all. Gassho
Characteristics of the two arise when I feel responsible for others’ physical or emotional well-being. This leads to neglecting self-care (eg morning practices when I have company), which leads to feeling like a martyr/victim. Underlying this behavior is a belief that I must act “selfless” to be accepted. R/L
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And there’s a “world of opposites” view of “selfless’ that most of us have been conditioned to believe, right? Selfless means I give up me for you, which results in victim/martyr resentment, and selfish means I take responsibility for caring for me, which results in plenty of energy to be generous and kind. That’s a confusion in conditioned mind that works well for ego, doesn’t it? Gassho
I perceive my 21 yr old daughter needs something. I offer to help cause I think she does not have the time. I spend a lot of effort set things up she needs to do some it it. I resent when she does not do it. End up max at her wishing I had not done it
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Talk about a coup for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate! Gosh, if we waited for people to ask us when they want something, what would ego be able to grouse about, huh? Gassho