The opportunity to love and be loved is one of the most precious gifts in this human existence. It gives me the chance to wake up more and more. My internal mentor, a loving, kindly grandma, guides me on this journey when I fall asleep and cannot find my way.
+++++++++++++++++++++
That opportunity is indeed a truly precious gift. A couple of things to consider: The Mentor is the Mentor; we don’t each have one. The wisdom, love, and compassion available to us via the Mentor will come in whatever form we can relate to best. That guidance is always available to us, always guiding us, whether we realize it or not. We may fall asleep and not avail ourselves of the guidance, but when we “come to” it is the same guidance there for us. In other words, “I” never find “my” way—Life is always finding our way. Gassho
I don't see much of type 2 in me. When I do things for others, my feeling is that the job needs to be done, so do it. I don't feel as though I must receive love or appreciation. Mainly, I do things just because they need doing. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++
Why you? You do things for others because you perceive they need something and you can help them? Does “doing things that need to be done” ever get in the way of you taking care of yourself? These folks you do things for don’t need to appreciate you or say thank you? Are you that available to do stuff for strangers as well as people you care about? When someone says, “I don’t see much…” I always wonder who is doing the seeing. Know what I mean? I sense a “none of that touchy/feely stuff for me” in your response. Is there some of that? Gassho
I stopped chronic helping years ago, when I realized I was enabling and/or being used. Now I usually wait to be asked before helping. Occasionally I will offer spontaneously. Am I limiting my expression of compassion by refraining? Or minding my own business and not enabling / interfering / judging?
+++++++++++++++++++++
A suggestion: It would be more illuminating to see where those judgments (I was enabling/being used) and those questions (am I limiting expressions of compassion or minding my own business, etc.) come from than either 1) assuming your assessment is accurate or 2) consulting conditioned mind—again!—to get answers. That approach does have a bit of a One-ish feel to it, doesn’t it? Gassho
Lots of resistance felt here. "love is not my highest ideal" "I'm not a helper" snaps ECKC/SH, (the human is a healthcare provider!) The human enjoys occasions of genuinely helping, but ego takes it over, as a mission of martyrdom. The human recognizes burnout, emotional volatility & exhaustion. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++
I always wonder “who” is assessing what “the human” is doing, thinking, feeling, experiencing. We use language such as “this being” or “the human,” and it creates an impression that these evaluations are coming from center. Are they? Gassho
I recognize this type immediately; it’s been a big one for me in past times. I mistakenly thought I could control the environment and people around me in an attempt to make sense out of chaos; fill my black hole; avoid looking at my pain/needs. Never worked; internal lovingkindness does. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++
A trap egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate enjoys setting is getting a person to focus on “how that used to happen to me,” and then to give the correct awareness practice answer. We never want to fall for that. Karma doesn’t tend to get “wrapped up and tossed” once and for all. It gets subtler and it can slide off the radar screen, but it’s still around. If we assume we’re finished with it because we know what to do when it “comes up,” it can do a lot of damage without our noticing. Gassho
What's interesting is that I don't see many examples of the pleaser behavior in my life. I see it occasionally with my boss, but he is not ever pleased. What I do see is trying to please/placate conditioning at the expense of taking care of myself. R/L. Gassho
+++++++++++++++++++++
Now THAT is the kind of subtle insight workshops are designed to reveal. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate hopes we’ll take a quick look around, accept its “nope not seeing that anymore” answer, and move on. Looking closer reveals the kind of thing you saw; the kind of clarity that continues to transform a life! Gassho
Saw (previously confusing) anger at people I’m “helping” when they don’t immediately feel better and acknowledge my awesome helper-ness. Commonly forgo exercise/sleep to get approval at work. Saw unjudgmentally a parent commonly upset at insufficient appreciation gave me idea my behavior controls others’ emotions, helping pass on Two beliefs! R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++
Great point. Most children assume that what’s going on with adults is the child’s fault, fostering a belief that “what I do controls others.” If I’m good people will be happy leads to a lot of confusion when I’m good and people aren’t happy! Good to see, huh? Gassho
Class 2 I absolutely cannot relate to Twos. Egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate says"Maybe your too selfish." Huh? Mentor says I do genuinely care about others and do good deeds with no expectations. I'll keep looking. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++
That “keep looking” is the key to our success. The first great benefit of the questions is getting to see how quickly egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate jumps in with its “here’s what’s wrong with you.” An encouragement: Give some careful watching, out of the corner of your eye, at that “Mentor.” That has a “maybe someone (ego?) masquerading as the Mentor” feel to it. Usually the Mentor is not so “certain” and doesn’t offer such a black and white response as “you do good deeds with no expectations.” “No expectations” is in the “able to leap tall buildings in a single bound” category for most of us conditioned humans! In other words, we almost always have expectations lurking nearby. Gassho
I believe I am unique, we all are. I don’t believe I am indispensible to anyone. Looking back on my life and career I see were others have shown appreciation for my contribution and my perspective. Again, I don’t understand what you want when you say to write about process.
+++++++++++++++++++++
You’re being asked to see “how” you saw what you saw rather than reporting on what you saw. You and I are standing by the ocean: You say, “Isn’t the ocean one of the great miracles of Life?” to which I retort, “Yeah, and human beings are filling it with trash.” The ocean we would call the “content.” It’s the “what/thing” in the conversation. The process is how we are in relation to that thing. We could label your process as positive and mine as negative, and an awful lot of folks would, but that’s not the point. The point in awareness practice is to start seeing how we’re conditioned, trained, programmed to see everything. “Worry” is a process. What I worry about—the kids, money, health, my relationships, my job, etc.—is the content. In what you wrote it’s possible to see the “conditioned” orientation of your seeing when you talk about “I believe.” We’re conditioned (programmed, trained, brainwashed) to see things, believe things, think we know things, etc. That programming explains why people all over the world have had a great willingness to kill those with different programming! You believe in the wrong God and therefore you must die! See what I mean? (Perhaps reading what I wrote to your neighbor below will add clarity.) Gassho
Emphasis on MY love making things better rings true for me. Thought my retirement would take me away from my social work guise but have managed to recreate it- helping a different cohort. Much clearer now what's in it for me, and I work with my own needs better.
+++++++++++++++++++++
Yes! There’s the real advantage of practicing awareness, isn’t it? We can see what’s behind what we’re doing/thinking/feeling. We get clearer about the conditioning, the beliefs and assumptions, and how all that, in the possession of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, causes suffering. We see what’s going on and we make clearer, kinder, wiser choices. Gassho
I enjoy supporting others, but when I sacrifice taking care of the self in order to “serve”, indicates that “service” is now coming from ego and looking for recognition of my self-sacrifice. Ego: “I’ve given up taking care of myself for you, so now you fill that gap.” R/L.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It is always good to see how very ugly ego is, isn’t it? Seeing what ego does to people, it’s no wonder “service” has such a bad reputation! “Service is great for saints but not for me; I don’t want to be a human sacrifice!” The point you’re making, that “supporting” is not “sacrifice” and, in fact, supporting supports giver and receiver, makes participating something we want to do. Gassho
By doing everything I would be “a better person”, “I would never get in trouble”, “I would be appreciated/loved”. I guess this is another illusion of controlling life, when in reality those “would(s)” never happen, false promises by ego, and being a martyr does not guarantee anything, just exhaustion.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well stated! “… being a martyr doesn’t guarantee anything, just exhaustion.” Those “aims” of being a better person, not getting in trouble, doing to get appreciated/loved are such “little kid” places, aren’t they? We can see them as a belief system being formed in a very small child’s mind. And most of us are still living them out! It’s not that we don’t want to be a good person or not displease folks or be loved and appreciated, but we want to choose our behaviors from conscious, compassionate awareness rather than from the perspective of a scared little kid, right? Gassho
Project another needs my attention more than I need to be centered, then forgo spiritual practice and feel resentful when I’m not appreciated for the sacrifice I’ve made by abandoning my heart. The other doesn’t even know this is going on! Practicing not “either/or”. Gassho R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two great points! 1) As ego has us twisting ourselves into pretzels to take care of someone else (as if ego is ever taking care of anyone but ego!), the “other person” has no idea we’re in a program of self sacrifice, and 2) it is CRITICAL that we get out of ego’s “world of duality.” We hear people conclude that, “I used to sacrifice myself for others, but not anymore; I don’t do anything for anybody but me now!” That is NOT what we’re going for! We’re learning to see a nonseparate reality in which there is no “self and other,” and giving and receiving are the one word givingreceiving. Gassho
Unwillingness to form intimate relationships because egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate KNOWS that other people never give me as much as I give them. Reluctance to have children because of fear of overwhelm. Isolation is the only strategy that ego knows to prevent helper burnout.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And I suspect you’re seeing that helping egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate the way you are is the burnout, yes? Having that system as our only intimate relationship is a quick trip to a truly miserable life! Having children is sometimes overwhelming, true, but nothing is as overwhelming as self-hate! Lots to see, huh? Gassho
I work with people who graduated from MIT/Harvard and who are "important". Ego says I'm "not enough" and unless I work long hours and do work that is tough, stressful then I'm not worthy and don't fit in. Self-care is not allowed in this process. This is ego’s game. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is ego’s game! Here’s a question: When you were hired for that job, did they tell you, “You are not important because you don’t have a degree from MIT or Harvard, and therefore you must work very long hours and do all the tough, stressful work”? Was that in your contract? Do people you work with holler across the room, “Hey, Unworthy, come over here and get this tough, stressful work, but don’t do it until after the regular wok day.” It’s so good to see this stuff, isn’t it? When we get hijacked inside conditioned mind, the crapola can sound reasonable and plausible. We get a little distance on it and we can see that, “Nope, I choose unconditional love for this human being—no matter what.” Gassho
In close relationships, codependency creeps in: “if I take care of you, then I won’t be alone”. Awareness notices the compulsion to rescue; then ego nurtures resentments. By taking a moment, a breath, centered, then disentangled; I can be present, interacting with authenticity. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There we have awareness practice in action! All that stuff is going on, and we can either see it or not see it, not suffer or suffer. And, I project you’re seeing the moment-by-moment nature of the process. It’s not like we see this stuff once and that’s the end of it, right? There’s a karmic predisposition. You see it and see through it. Now you’re able to see it when it sneaks in through another door. Very good! Gassho
It is not my love that makes the world go round, but my effort and ego. I am a weak #2. Love feels mysterious and unattainable, effort is clear. The effort has led to burnout and real self-care is part of my current practice.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What you present is a very subtle, very interesting place to explore. The ego story is “love feels mysterious and unattainable.” What’s left once that’s “bought” is “effort.” Why? Well, I don’t know, that’s just how it is. I’ll make a big effort, burn out, and be unhappy because love feels mysterious and unattainable. What if it’s not true that “love is mysterious and unattainable”? (Forget the “feels;” that’s just window dressing.) Here’s the one to get: It’s not possible to know that “love is mysterious and unattainable” unless you know full well what love is and you make sure you don’t attain it! In the same way it’s not possible to say, “I’ve never seen the color red.” Unless you’ve seen the color red you can’t say you’ve never seen the color red. Of course we can say it but it’s horse pucky! You with me? If you don’t know what red looks like you can’t say you’ve never seen it. You can say, “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen the color red,” but you cannot honestly assert that you haven’t seen it. So, love is not mysterious; you know what you know about it and you can know more any time you wan,t and it’s not unattainable because you’ve attained what you’ve attained and you can attain more any time you want. THERE! Just in case anyone thinks there’s nothing to be aware of once we’ve dispatched ego! Gassho
"Helping others meet their needs they can forget to take care of their own" resonates strongly. Contributed to a health crisis. Awareness of this pattern for many years, self-care vastly improved yet an ongoing process, gets more subtle. Comparisons to self-less sister can pull me into the old pattern. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Very wise! You make the essential point: Karma (which all this Enneatype stuff expresses) does not tuck its tail between its legs and slink off because we’ve seen it. That fox is not going to give up on the hen house just because we’ve noticed there’s a fox in the neighborhood. (Somebody stop her with these animal stories!) Karma gets subtler with every sighting. In this way we are assisted by karma to wake up and end suffering. Gassho
Taking care of others before taking care of myself is exactly what egocentric karmic conditioning wants because then suffering occurs. The urgency to do conditioning's bidding--taking care of others first-- is another layer of suffering. Know that the oxygen in the airplane must be pulled down First for me. R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes, indeed. We see those layers of conditioning, and we begin to work our way through them. Fortunately, we don’t need to “figure out” each of the layers. If we just come to presence—put on that oxygen mask—the layers will be revealed, and in the revealing we step free. Gassho
The feeling my ego terms as “pity”. Knowing that all are adequate to their lives, please advise how I practice not feeling pity and wanting to sympathize/console or instantly reach out my hand in help? Do I “come to the rescue” or wait for an invitation? R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
First, we don’t need to “own” ego. Ego is just a part of the human condition, like hangnails and colds. Next, we don’t practice “not to,” we practice awareness. You notice you’re conditioned to feel pity. You realize that people are adequate to their life, but that doesn’t stop the kneejerk ego reaction of pity. You’ve seen that, right? So now, when that kneejerk ego reaction happens you can notice it, turn attention away from it, come back to the present—where all is well and folks are adequate—and see what Life drops in as the “now” step for you. With me? (Read what your neighbor below wrote in; it’s a good example.) Gassho
The helper notices other helpers and calls them out, saying "I know you, helper." The process sends the helper into the unconscious places so familiar and lonely. Breathe, and notice... "Oh yeah! What do I love?... Hmm, yes, Love!" R/L
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes. We see what triggers egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we see our reaction, we recognize the familiar path to suffering, and we make a thisherenow choice instead. Very helpful! Gassho
Like the first class, I had a significant other who was this type also. I have also worked in the social services field and seen how I can work “for the good of others", while trying to gain approval. I have often worked myself to exhaustion. Ego adores that I have taken the Bodhisattva vow.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hmm…. I’m with you on all of it until the last sentence. Not following you there. Gassho
"I'm too selfish with my time and energy to be a 2" Then I remembered the Psyche101 term "Pathological Accommodation" I learned to vacate my body to survive. "Tell me who you want me to be so you'll love me." Now in middle age I isolate to let go. R/L Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
As with your neighbor above, I’m with you right up to the last sentence. You isolate to let go? Isolating is the fast track to a fulltime, exclusive, intimate relationship with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Not sure how that’s a letting go. Gassho
Ego has tied up love and need, I’m terrified when ego says others think I don’t need them or when I think they don’t need me (though my personality is independent by nature I think!). Can see how this sets me up to be wrong person and need ego’s program. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A most helpful insight, that. Yes? It’s the “heads you lose/tails you lose” again. “Need” is the word ego can jerk you around with, so jerk it does. “They think you don’t need them/they don’t need you” sends you rushing into ego’s arms to “help you meet your needs.” Talk about creepy, huh? Thank goodness we’re getting to see the ego creep in action! Gassho
When identified, being a "helper" leads to assuming what is help, believing I'm doing it just to be of assistance, and being surprised/upset when my help is not appreciated. From center, the desire to help arises naturally and the "reward" is being engaged in Life. RL Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When we see how each of those plays out, we find ourselves much more committed to get out of conditioned mind, get into the moment, and participate in Life. THAT is the importance of practicing awareness. Until we can see those two very different paths, we are doomed to suffer. In thisherenow there is no “either/or,” only this, only here, only now. Nothing left over to suffer over! Gassho
Having been told "Helper" doesn't apply to me, it's surprising seeing so much! "You're not good at helping others; it will be uncomfortable." It's a set-up, stopping me from participating then beating me up for failing to! There is so much to expose from hiding. Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You’re firmly in the I Love Awareness Practice club, aren’t you? There is nothing to fear in Presence; there is everything to fear as we go through life behind egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Ego sets people up then beats people up. Not fun. Awareness practice let’s us see that process and opt out. We are happily exposing! Gassho
Notice conditioned process in relationships. Fear of rejection/being excluded or abandoned leads to panic. Acting out of panic leads to more isolation. Until choosing unconditional love and acceptance and shifting to "gratitude" place. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes! It’s a process, isn’t it? We see how it happens, and we learn to re-direct attention. The stories of rejection/exclusion/abandonment start up in conditioned mind, leading to sensations of panic in the body, leading to unfortunate acting out. We see that! Now, when the stories start up, we can recognize them. Now, it’s possible to turn attention away from those stories and bring attention to unconditional love, acceptance, and gratitude. Result? End of suffering! Gassho
Seeking approval, neglecting my needs, and feeling owed are familiar. Although immersing myself into other’s projects can feel good when centered (and taking time to take care of me.) Not experienced with others taking care of my basic needs - interesting that I keep thinking it will happen. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Great catch! That IS interesting, isn’t it? We are conditioned to believe something. We never have the experience of that something, and yet we keep believing it! Huh. Perhaps I’m being bamboozled, here. Yep. I am. Time to let that one go! Gassho
Taking Bodhisattva vows was beautiful and a mighty impulse for being a helper that could become imbalanced... OOPS! Solution was to turn inwards and be kind and tender towards this being who means so well and train and learn to refrain for over doing it - one step at a time. Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Seems that Bodhisattva Vow is not well explained to folks. “Saving all beings” doesn’t mean what people seem to think it means. It’s not feeding, clothing, and sheltering the whole of humanity, burning out, and then ceasing that activity! Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate would very much like people to believe that“saving all beings” is something you DO. If you can’t DO that, you need to quit. Poof, right back into ego’s “world of opposites.” Gassho
I recognize the process of “I don't have needs.” My motivation is different (a 1, I feel I have to take care of my own needs and “do it myself”) but the process is the same. I ignore them or don't ask for help, often at my expense. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You have become the “anti-two,” yes? Needs? Nope. No needs here. No needs there. No needs anywhere. Except, there’s this great need not to have needs. Important to see, isn’t it? Gassho
At the expense of taking care of myself, I seek approval so that others will like me, see me as a good, loyal person taking "right action". Same 'ole egocentric karmic conditioning at play again!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The villain of many disguises! That’s why we use the image of the con artist, bamboozling its way through human lives. “Right action.” Whew. For that reason we talk about “compassionate” rather than “right.” “Right” is too much of a slippery word for karmically conditioned humans! Gassho
Irritated by those who insist on "helping" unasked and then "help" by doing it their way. Seeing if I "help" in that way, it's based on the belief they're doing it "wrong" and by "helping" them, they'll do it "right". Sneaky control tactic by egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate disguised as "giving". R/L Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now that is some sho nuf clarity on a sneaky process! Thank you for that. (Now there’s an opening to lose the “irritated” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate wants to use to throw you off, yes?) Gassho