There is someone here who is very sensitive to other people’s needs. Taking care of those needs is an unconscious and automatic response. She gets irritated when others do not acknowledge the kindness and angry when they do not reciprocate. She believes we all need to help one another. R/L
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Yes, indeed, and I suspect she is neither a “someone” nor a “she.” I strongly suspect that is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate masquerading as a someone/she. Can you get a sense of that? Gassho
Two- Helper I learned at an early age that love from family and friends, was earned by giving them what I thought they needed or wanted. I have learned that I don't need to DO anything to be loved. That is an old story I have released. R/L
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Are you sure? Have you looked everywhere? This is one of those “categorically so” statements that always make me wonder. The story may have been released but that doesn’t mean the karma doesn’t still have a toe in the door. In awareness practice we’re always paying attention for the subtle expressions of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Something that’s just a “whiff” at one point in our lives can become a stench if allowed to grow unnoticed. Just a word to the wise…. Gassho
Because “my” intention is pure, aka right, “you” can’t get mad! “I” need you to see how hard I’m working to help you (appreciate me-don’t have your own experience!)! Wow! seeing this on whole new level=mind/ego-blowing! Another Heart LOVES to contribute! Immediately, ego steals the energy/joy via evaluation leaving heart deflated. R/L
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Oh, you are so close! Everything is exactly on target right up to “heart deflated.” Now, you could still be on target if the use of capitals was intentional. The Heart with a capital H, being synonymous with Life, can never be deflated, no matter what. The small h heart, what ego would call heart, is like all other lower case experiences—love being the primary example. That heart is “happy” when it gets what it wants and miserable when it doesn’t. There’s actually no “Heart” in it! The lower case “love” is the one the movies are so fond of depicting, a conditional experience meant to be more desirable than the Unconditional. Gassho
Great difficulty being kind to myself yet a cheerleader to others, Justifies and fuels feelings of resentment that others don’t give me the amount of appreciation I need. Feeling I don’t deserve to ask for what I want and need creates a cycle of enormous grief / self-abuse / rage.
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The good news is that that whole process has nothing to do with “you,” the authentic human being. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate “has trouble” being kind—period. There is no kindness in it. It is happy to cheerlead others because that’s going to result in resentment down the line, as you’ve noticed. It says you can’t ask for what you want (forget “need,” as only presence can meet needs), and then goes into hysterics. You’re stepping back and seeing the process. “You” are the conscious awareness doing that. Stay with it. All will be revealed, I promise. Gassho
Noticing a little uptick in energy when I get email requesting help. Irony is that egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate can then resent the other for not seeing how busy I am with important tasks. I commonly neglect exercise, relaxation, pleasure; time filled with serving others” needs. Remember (historically) feeling groundless when not needed.
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Ego “feels” “groundless” when not needed! Ego is desperate at the mere idea of not being at the center of the universe! Someone asks (which I bet they’re trained to do, yes?). This is followed by the righteous resentment. Then the ritual of martyrdom begins. Ego is ecstatic, griping and complaining the whole time. True? You’re seeing it! This is very good! Gassho
If the plants are healthy, the children are vibrant, the house is sparkling and husband is relaxed and successful, then I can relax and enjoy. My happiness and worth come from how well I'm caring for others. I actually can't sense many other things that bring me joy. R/L
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Time to begin sensing those other things perhaps? You’ve probably read novels and seen movies about people—especially women—who devote their lives to others and it doesn’t lead to fulfillment. The marriage changes, the children grow up and leave home…. Does “she,” that woman who cares for others, bring you joy? Gassho
Approval and fear are fuel for helping. I can cross line to enable when my attention is not present. Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate wants perfection by my helping it so. It is all connected and I can get carried away. R/L
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Yes, we can all get carried away when we’re not present. Very true. That’s why egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate works so diligently to distract us and pull us out of the present. Finding that line between participating, assisting, and supporting from Life’s guidance and direction and letting ego’s fear-mongering drive us to unconscious controlling interference is what awareness practice is all about. That line is the same as the threshold between the dark room and the Light Room, between Here and lost in conditioned mind. It’s the great spiritual question: What are we following through life? Gassho
After much resistance (forgetting, sleepy, “you don’t understand,” etc.), what dropped in is: everything that shows up is yours, and everyone is adequate to their life experience. You mean I don”t have to make it okay for everyone else? Amazing effects in interacting with partner. R/L.
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Ah, the practical applications of practicing awareness! We could say, “Everything’s better from center,” couldn’t we? Present here; problems are falling like dominos! Gassho
I say yes too fast and frequently overcommit. I want to be seen as helpful and having no needs of my own. I hesitate to set clear boundaries. The payoff is I get to feel "better than" an deserving of appreciation. Then I snap and become a raging lunatic. R/L
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I am such a wonderful, really perfect, person right up until I snap and become a raging maniac! Love it. (I bet most of us can relate.) It’s such a setup, isn’t it? Especially the “having no needs of my own” piece. There’s wanting to be helpful, then there’s wanting to be seen as helpful (I’d really like to be seen as helpful without actually having to help, thank you very much), and then there’s the “I have no needs of my own,” which makes me better than you. We can just sense this is not going to end well! Again, seeing is the first giant step in freeing. Gassho
Ah Ego’s tricks. “I” identify most with Type Two and have become quite “good” at catching its games. But while I was distracted being “good” at catching Two’s games, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was causing suffering because someone didn’t “do” something I expected. VERY good to catch! R/L Gassho
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It’s why we love practice, isn’t it? As soon as we see the whole thing as a game, we start enjoying playing. Ego says, “Look over there,” and while I’m looking it pulls the rug out from under me. One point for you, ego, but I saw how you did that and I won’t be so easily fooled next time! Gassho
I become a "helper" often times to maintain peace and order. The voices remind me that I am not always helping for the greater good. I often expend my time and energy to please others, experience burnout, then become moody when my help is not outwardly recognized. R/L
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It’s a scam, isn’t it? A bamboozle in the strictest sense. A “bait and switch” con. Do this in order to get that and after you do this the that you get is not the that you were promised. Your “reward” is burnout, crankiness, and a beating for having fallen for the hoax again. Now we’re finding our way through the either/or “non-choices” ego presents us with. Are others really pleased that we exhaust ourselves helping them? Unlikely. Realizing that, new options begin to present themselves for us. Gassho
I love to help others "selflessly", feel virtuous in doing so and crave appreciation. Awareness sees that it's a way of taking care of me because it makes me feel good. At my lowest, I feel I don't do enough. At my highest, I feel better than others.
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I think you’re seeing that “craving appreciation” is not actually compatible with “selflessly,” is that true? Are you sure it’s “awareness” that sees it’s a way of taking care of you because it makes you feel good? (It has a bit of a “story in conditioned mind” feel to it.) If you “don’t do enough” and you “feel better than others,” how can this be taking care of you? Perhaps I’m missing what you’re saying here, but there seems to be some pretty large inconsistencies. Gassho
Looking at the 2 in me I'm experiencing a deep sadness.almost a tears feeling with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart. I've noticed this to be conditioning's response to being caught with pants down. Turning attention to self care seems a small gesture.
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This is a really important one! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate trains people not to be aware by making people feel bad each time they become aware of something egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is doing. You’re practicing awareness here! You’re “supposed” to be aware of what’s happening! Yes? You’re doing the right thing! BUT egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate got caught with its pants down—you became aware of what it’s doing to you—and you’re made to feel bad. Can you see that? You should be whooping and hollering, dancing around and shouting in celebration. YOU SAW IT. Instead you’re conditioned to feel a deep sadness, tears, a lump in the throat, a heavy heart. NOOOOOOOOOO! Do not fall for that! Forget self care. Turn attention to thisherenow, say thank you for seeing this crapola for what it is, and start that party! Gassho
By “helping” others “I” can avoid working out my own salvation diligently. Notably, “I” despise being offered advice but gladly give it and even resent other people asking me for help although I am constantly offering to help and volunteering my time and services. R/L Gassho
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What you’re saying, in other words, is that you’re seeing how much crapola egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is actually full of. Did I get that right? Time to get on with working out that salvation, eh? Very good. Gassho
I fall into Enneatype 2 with relationship, putting my partner’s needs before mine which leads to resentment and desire to control/moral superiority. This process creates isolation, separation from my partner while still seeking their approval/appreciation which I then can’t accept! It’s exhausting. R/L
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It is! It’s so exhausting we finally agree to stop it! This is a good thing, isn’t it? Since this is a partner relationship, it might be a perfect time for some clear communication, don’t you think? You might try something along these lines: “If I do X for you I will be sacrificing doing Y for me, and this will lead to resentment, a desire to control you, and a morally superior attitude down the line. Is doing X for you important enough to launch all that?” I bet your partner might just say something along the lines of “Holy speedos, no! I didn’t even want you to do that in the first place!” Worth the exploration, huh? Gassho
I pay attention to what people need. I sometimes find myself expecting gratitude is owed to me. I soften and open to empathy. I let the true connection come into awareness. Appreciation isn’t what I need. Connection is what I need, and I have connection. R/L
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Are you paying attention to what people need or are you paying attention to what you need and projecting that onto others? (Could be a fruitful place to explore.) And, is all that pre-connection separation necessary in order to get to connection? Is it an “I” that needs connection or is connection what’s there when “I” isn’t? Gassho
Now I can see I was Two in my last relation. Helping her all the time and delaying my own projects. I was pretty upset sometimes when I did not feel she understood all my help. There was a lot of sorrow and verbal agregions. I felt completely lost sometimes. R/L
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This could fall under the category of “if you loved me you would read my mind.” Sometimes we forget that we’re the only ones living inside our head. We get so locked into our own (ego’s) perspective with its unexamined beliefs and assumptions that we forget we need to communicate if anyone is going to be able to join us! Perhaps the “helping” was not so much the issue as the lack of communication? Perhaps that’s mostly true most of the time in most situations. Gassho
I am 70 yrs old and brushing my teeth for the first time. Of course I've brushed them but with voices yammering on about hurrying up. Self care and care for others was usurped to feed the conditioned system. With Practice the teeth and all receive love and gratitude. R/L
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Very wise. Our issues are never with anyone else, are they? Our issues are never with “us” either. All our issues are with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, and it’s so sneaky most people never even know it’s there calling all the shots. Gassho
Was helping my wife to get out of debt. Then paid for her to go back to school while I support family, rent and all other expenses. My two wanted acknowledgement and gratitude, my heart is grateful for opportunity to be supporting. At work two tries to be helpful. R/L
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Even though the Heart is grateful for the opportunity to support, we can still want some acknowledgement and gratitude. And we can provide that, can’t we? That’s what that glorious relationship with the Mentor and the recorder is all about! Gassho
I forget to pay attention to the Heart, to Life, to the Mentor who always gives unconditional love and acceptance. I forget to stop and ask this human what she needs in each and every moment. I focus on the voices instead of Love. Not any more! R/L
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There you go! Now, will you sometimes still forget? Backslide a bit? Sure. But you’ve made the commitment, and now your focus will be on keeping that commitment. No stopping her now! Gassho