Looking for Enneatype 2 (ego said that's not me), I got a clue-by-four from life that made it clear how 2 shows up. Then saw how I get a 1-2 punch when the perfectionist decides how I "should" help and the helper jumps in. No more! R/L
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Well, how about “not as much”? The One would like to make plans for a perfect future, but in fact, we’re going to continue to come up against subtler expressions of these karmic tendencies. Good to remember we’re practicing awareness, not ego’s ideas of perfection. Gassho
Often I will put the needs of "others" in front of my own because I am lead to believe that is the right person thing to do. I am depleted and I am in a place of scarcity which makes me on edge. R/L Gassho
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What we get to see is that the incessant conversation in conditioned mind is not aiming to assist anything other than egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. The assumption that doing what ego says we should do is the “right person” thing to do is one we really need to get past, right? What’s the “right person” thing? We could start with “finding compassion for all.” Gassho
Let the games begin. The hunger games. Underneath the well intentioned, selfless giving is a belief that I am only loveable, matter if I am of value to the other. Giving is a strategy to get love. Egocentric karmic conditioned self hate is keeping score. There are no winners only losers.
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Well, sort of, unless we see that ego is the big winner in that “game.” Are there any human winners? Nope. Time to change the rules of the game, huh? Gassho
Meeting friends, catching up with family members. Start with full battery. Although some interactions support presence/add energy, battery overall being drained. Ego processes of “connecting", “helping”, seeking approval, validation running in background. Processes disguised as candy or virtuous, something the human “wants”, while ego takes the human's energy. R/L
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THAT is a very clear picture! The story afterward is that “they” did something wrong/were wrong in some way, or that you were wrong in how you were being with these people. What you’re seeing is that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was running the whole show, draining the energy out of you—and probably everyone else! Great catch. Gassho
Seeing a process that supplants staying with myself (aka "meeting my needs"). The process is to go with the others' energy... be habitually, automatically swept away. Helpful change of behavior: 1) Stop. 2) Be forthcoming with what is happening. While #1 feels challenging, #2 feels terribly courageous. R/L Gassho.
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And you’re practicing, right? You’re showing up with your eyes wide open to see what’s going on. We’re not letting egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate turn our awareness practice into a win/lose contest. It actually doesn’t matter what happens! What matters is that we’re practicing being present, paying attention to everything, not taking anything personally, and freeing ourselves from unconscious, egocentric, karmic programming. Well done! Gassho
Surprising how familiar this description is when examined. What stands out is how doing for others so often leads to not taking care of own needs, then feeling resentment followed by self-hate. This also follows not feeling appreciated. Grateful to see how it all breaks down. R/L
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Good to see how universal the process is, isn’t it? The voices of self-hate get lots of mileage out of getting us to believe “you’re the only one/this is all you.” It’s not. It’s a process. First that then that then that then that—ending in self-hate. Whew, huh? Gassho
I wasn’t seeing the Helper for a while but kept looking. Aha! With my girlfriend! Seeing especially how ego perverts the Heart's desire to be of loving service into the belief that she’s inadequate, she needs my help, she should accept it. Seeing that for the first time--gratitude! Gassho
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We don’t usually think of awareness practice as “couples counseling,” but it often accomplishes the goal! What you’re seeing is how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate uses our caring for others to achieve its ends. What are those ends? Getting attention through suffering. You really want to assist your girlfriend, from an openhearted lovingkindness. Unbeknownst to you, ego just puts a little twist on that so that if she’s not happy to have you control her, she’s just being ungrateful and unloving! Really good to see! Gassho
The "helper" role often is a way of creating distance and avoiding relationships. Giving from ego-I place is all about being superior instead of Life's giving/receiving relationship with other humans. Helper "kindness" can turn into conditioning's perfectionism when unappreciated.
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A world of suffering in a nutshell, yes? We get fooled because when ego talks about it inside conditioned mind it all sounds so good. I just want to help. That’s a noble wish, isn’t it? But as ego gets hold of it, that noble wish turns into control, superiority, resentment, anger and then, of course, down the road, self-hate. Stepping back and seeing the process clearly, we begin to untangle ourselves from ego’s web of suffering. Gassho
EKC/SH tells me I am needed. No one else will do it. Then I find I've overcommitted. I used to quit but now I just drop standards around how I help. Still very hard to say no (how could you?). Looking at that R/L
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We assume our two choices are yes and no. That’s how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate keeps people in its world of duality. Yes, you’re a good person; no, you’re a bad person. Quite simple. But that’s ego’s world, not how Life actually is. When we’re looking to Life, the ultimate Time Manager, there’s plenty of ability to do what needs doing in a given moment without anyone left out or overburdened. The trick is we have to look to Life, not to ego, to make those choices. THAT’s what awareness practice is all about! Gassho
Indispensible, over-managing, then mad when people are dependent on me. The belief: other people’s needs are more important. Seeing how that moves over to: conditioning’s needs are more important. Seeing that doing “it all” shoves life out and closes the gaps where life could supply what’s needed. R/L
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Exactly so. Because, as it turns out, those “other people” are actually egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, right? There aren’t any “other people” in this. It’s all happening in conditioned mind! That’s why there can’t be any communication. That’s why I can’t say to you, “I am completely exhausted; do you need me to do that right now?” If we communicated we’d find out those “other people” aren’t those people getting blamed for being so demanding and unappreciative! Yes? Communication solves all these “problems,” which is why the voices are dead set against people communicating. Look to conditioned mind, get told how it is, do what the voices say, never check anything out, and be an angry victim. That’s ego’s plan for us. But we’re on to it, aren’t we? And, we’re turning this around! Gassho
Big process is wanting everyone happy/taken care of, so noticing their needs. Seeking approval by being good/helpful feels like genuine love to shine and contribute that's co-opted by egocentric karmic-conditioning/self-hate's fear of abandonment because “I’m” not good enough. So, contributions/helping people proves self-worth, and often this being's needs/priorities are forgotten. Gassho R/L.
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Yep, that’s it! Letting egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate drag us around through life is just not a good time, is it? That genuine wish for everyone’s wellbeing gets turned into “and if they’re not happy it’s your fault and they’re not going to love you.” As we get clearer about that, we can just stay with the genuine wish for everyone’s wellbeing—keeping in mind that “we” are part of “everyone.” Gassho
When Two shows up, feel important when sought, hurt when they’d rather someone else. Appreciation, when offered, is brushed away because gratitude is never enough” egocentrickarmicconditionining/self-hate would rather be indispensable. In this world, she is abused and distracted from suffering. Practicing love for her, again and again. R/L
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Yes, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate would rather be indispensable, but not for any good reason. It wants to be the focus of all attention all the time. Everyone needs you all the time, and then when they don’t there’s suffering. Oh, and there’s also good suffering when they don’t really appreciate you enough or feel grateful enough or…. Practicing Unconditional Love for the human is a much better choice, isn’t it? Gassho
I help by controlling others to keep them safe at the expense of not taking care of myself. I believe I'm the one who does it best and the only one who can do it. Without my assistance, people would fail and things would be bad for them. Gassho R/L
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Yikes, huh? God can now safely retire knowing you are in charge! It doesn’t feel like that inside though, does it? It doesn’t feel like ego-serving controlling; it feels like the good/right person who wants to keep everyone safe—even if it’s in spite of them! I find it helpful under these circumstances to ask myself if I want someone else to be in control of my life, even if they actually could do a better job. The answer is always a resounding “NO!” Gassho
Noticed a certain way that I want to please others followed by completely depleting myself. Skip meditation, not take care of myself. Then feel frustrated that my house guests are throwing me off schedule. I try to do it all and be it all for “them”/ego. R/L
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There’s the important connection to make, isn’t it? It’s not about “them,” it’s about ego. Those houseguests aren’t asking me to sacrifice myself, ego is. Perhaps it’s permission for others to take care of themselves when we take care of ourselves? Gassho
I don’t feel indispensable, I like to honestly give my best. At the same time I am aware I also use my empathy and sensitivity as a means to creating a friendly atmosphere for me to live in as I often feel shy, especially on the workplace.
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As we practice awareness it’s sometimes difficult to recognize how the judgments of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are slipping in. The fact that we genuinely wish others well and want to assist them is not negated by the way ego comes in to manipulate a situation. And, we do use our abilities to be the way we need to be to elicit the responses we’re seeking from others. There’s no harm in any of it. The suffering happens when we can’t tell the difference between genuine/authentic and ego-identity. As we continue to observe, the difference becomes more obvious. Gassho
Wow I am indeed a helper but at what expense, I can see where although it's absolutely joyful to help from centre when I neglect my own needs this human suffers and that helps no one. Mothers little helper, she can love herself unconditionally without fear, pure joy. R/L
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It’s not either/or, is it? We can joyfully assist ALL, all the time. Unconditional Love doesn’t have any me/you lines through it. Gassho
With Types 1-3, this is ego's way of putting me down, isolating me, and putting down others in one fell swoop. 'You're too lazy to be X type, and that makes you better, and don't you hate those people who are X type.' Wow. What a scam! R/L
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There’s “self-hate” and “other hate” and they are the very same thing, aren’t they? Great catch. Gassho
Noticing that egocentrickarmiconditioning in charge of being helpful feels stressful. So many things must be done to be loved and monitoring to insure it's working. When it naturally arises from center how to be helpful without attachment to outcome all are held in love including me. R/L Gassho
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That’s a lovely description of being in thisherenow. No “self” and “other,” just us. Life is orchestrating all perfectly and we get to “share the love.” Such a good deal! Gassho
No 2 in me! Then considered why egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate doesn’t want me to look at this. Because I choose friends that “need my help” so I will be liked. Which assumes they aren’t adequate to their life. Very humbling to “discover” this belief system! Deeply imbedded, unquestioned, until now. How interesting.
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And, let’s stay with “how interesting,” shall we? That’s the kind of awareness that ego can latch onto and turn into a giant stick to beat you with. You’ve had a powerful insight. That’s a marvelous thing. No need to let conditioned mind “make it mean” anything. Nothing to do about it, nothing to fix or change. Just awareness. Life will present more clarity all in good time. Gassho
Growing up I believed I must be the "strong" one who helped others but had no needs. That self-sufficient identity did require appreciation to assure it, but that was never understood as a need. Even seeing that pattern now, appreciation that seems insufficient can still lead to resentment. R/L
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Great point. Insight is not change. We see how something works, even get clear about how that came to be, but that doesn’t alter years of habitual patterns. Practicing awareness we see more, see it clearer, get more distance, slowly become different. In this slow and steady way we get to the root of issues, and when those roots are removed the issues tend to stay resolved. Gassho