Constant focus on what others think of me. Can't stand disapproval of any kind. I hide things and show what I want. I don't believe I am worthwhile just being me. I have to provide value and be admired. No fun. Have to keep up. Gassho. R/L
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No fun! That is the god’s truth, isn’t it? Which is the whole point, right? The thing to underline here is that it’s not “you” not believing you’re worthwhile “just being what you authentically are,” it’s egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. You know that, don’t you? Ego is there on the lookout for “what others think,” which of course is simply what ego “thinks” and projects onto others. It watches for any signs of disapproval, making them up when they aren’t there, and then uses the “evidence” to get you to identify with it so it can tell you what to do/how to be. Exhausting! Seeing it, you can practice stepping free and having the delightful—and fun!—experience of finding people actually enjoy the authentic “you.” Gassho
"You have to earn your keep" was an understanding I grew up with. Not just looking good, but worthwhileness itself was related to performance. Excellent performance in some areas was compensation and cover for poor performance in others. See this now, yet identity still seeks performance recognition. R/L
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Of course! Awareness practice is a process. We see something and then need to practice getting clear of all the hooks ego has in us around that particular subject. Each time it happens you get a little clearer. One day you’ll notice it’s not happening. No hurry! Gassho
Interesting as I do not generally identify with the performer. Regardless, I watched myself over the past few days seek both positive and critical "reviews." I noticed in particular "helping" someone identify something I did "wrong" and dwelling with her on it. Self punishment through on-stage performance?
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Ouch! Can you see that “you” had been taken over by a self-hating ego through that episode? You wouldn’t have done that if you’d been coming from the heart. You can see that, right? Those incidents are opportunities to see what it “feels” like when egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has done its “body snatchers” thing. It looked like “you,” it talked like “you,” but it was ego having snatched your human form to inflict some suffering. You’re watching. Keep up the scrutiny and you’ll begin to recognize the takeover as what’s happening every time you’re not present and paying attention. Gassho
When I notice being "caught" in a process where it seems as though I'm on a chain driven conveyor belt it seems easier to get caught up in the content then wake up to what's possible. In those moments conditioning says "no that's too scary". Life says "hey, yes? "
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You realize that 1) ego is fear, and 2) ego NEVER wants you to wake up, correct? When identified with ego, it definitely feels easier to get caught up than to wake up. In fact, caught in ego waking up is not an option. However, you’re reporting sightings of that little gap of “you could get out of this,” and, I’m betting, that gap is looking more and more appealing! Gassho
I AM a recovering performer -more for facade from dysfunctional parents than validation. Performer for (false) security and self-deception. Now I see the performer. It is a practice to follow the heart’s desire. A practice not to overthink, just feel “performer” or “heart’s desire” in thought and deed. R/L
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It’s like standing at a fork in the road, isn’t it? This is true with all “content” we’re facing in practice. There’s ego urging “take that road, take that road,” while there’s just a “sensing” from Life that pulls us toward the proverbial “road less traveled.” As we say in practice, it’s a process of “calibrating.” We’re learning to calibrate to Life. Gassho
The story is that am spending an inordinate amount of time and energy maintaining those external expectations, so that there isn't enough time to live the life my heart desires. Maintaining expectations is exhausting; Living heart's desire is freeing. R/L
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Yep. And, it’s a practice, isn’t it? We see a big piece of karma such as “how much time and energy are spent maintaining external expectations,” realize how exhausting it is, and we want it to end NOW. Living from the Heart is freeing. There’s no contest! But the habit, the karmic pull, is old and big. So, we have to keeping coming back to thisherenow and choosing the Life we want. We have to choose the Heart and keep making that choice. We have to earn that freedom! Gassho
Seeing a process of external validation for worthiness. The egocentrickarmicconditioning-selfhate conversation is: there is a “right / smart way” and that I’m not “doing a good job”. This process doesn’t allow mistakes, prevents this human from fully showing up, locked in fear, and not available to receive the Intelligence that Animates All.
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That’s it! The voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate paralyze a person, and then beat the person for not doing a good job. It’s ugly. The culprit in that melodrama is clearly the conversation in conditioned mind, right? You’ve seen it and now you get to take steps to end it. You get to practice awareness. Very exciting! Gassho
Process: ‘Shoulds and shouldn’ts, what will people/family think’! This thinking has lead me down paths that have suffocated my True Self. Now I hear/realize what Centre is and don’t ignore it. I feel the nurturing offered and let it take me down its path.
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Very good. Here’s some good news: The True Nature that animates all cannot be suffocated. It can’t be hurt, abandoned, or in any way harmed. And, it’s not personal! We don’t each have one; it’s the same ONE for all of us. So, here we are seeing the choice we have to follow Life down the path Life is offering us, and there’s not a single problem in any of it. Isn’t that grand? Gassho
I have used my role as mother, a job and being a performing artist to define my worth. Since my kids have grown and I’ve retired, I’ve defined my worth based on audience response to my performances; also accolades from other performing artists/teachers. This attention is never enough. R/L
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No, it isn’t. Nor will it ever be. If only folks could get that it’s not possible ever to please the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. No amount of perfection will ever end the beatings. The reason for that is quite simple, of course. It’s all a lie! People believe they’re punished and beaten because they deserve it. They’ve done something wrong. They are wrong. Not true a bit. Self-hate hates and beats because that’s what it is, that’s what it does, and most important of all, it can. It will never stop; we can stop it. Gassho
Possibly a failed 3. I buy into the system, but tend not to "achieve". So ego uses the "if only" stories against me. As ego keeps the focus on a fantasy world of success, here and now, and whats real is ignored. Gassho
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Well, that used to work really successfully for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, didn’t it? I suspect it’s not going to be so smooth for ego going forward. Sounds as if you’re ready to see if what’s real might be a better place to live, and given the fact that you’re doing a practice that enables you to experience what’s real…. Yeah, not such a happy future for ego. Good! Gassho
Being rigid against intimacy to cloak a deep inner shame and wrongness are very present in my experience. People have told me they can sense a submerged iceberg and want to know more of me. Egocentrickarmicconditioning tells me that if they see the truth about me they will leave. R/L
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What’s your experience of that? Has everyone who wanted to know more of you stayed around because you hid yourself from them? Sounds as if you’re ready to put that to the test. Do you wonder if people see that “shame and wrongness,” experience it as bogus, and love you in spite of your commitment to such silliness? Gassho
I understand the impulse of the 3 not to let others get too close, though as a 1 my motivation is I wouldn’t want them to see my imperfection. Also, if others do like me, then that would be an external signal I'm okay. Interesting similarities, if different motivations! R/L
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Don’t you just LOVE practicing awareness? Isn’t it ever so much more interesting and fulfilling than sitting around listening to ego’s negative rants? Gassho
Relate to accomplishments, working hard on them, and wanting approval/ admiration. . Easily see 3ness in girlfriend. Comparing her image emphasis has ego saying mine is not so bad (I’m more of an accomplishments guy). Good news: Feeling success in pursuing my heart’s desire on multiple fronts. R/L
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Ego is certifiably creepy, isn’t it? It looks at our loved ones, finds something wrong with them, compares what’s wrong with us to them, and tells us we should feel good because we’re so much better than the loved one. I hope you’re looking closely at the lens through which these comparisons and assessments are happening. We would not want the same system that’s assessing/comparing with girlfriend to be in charge of fulfilling “heart’s desire.” (Might want to keep an eye on that “my” in “heart’s desire.”) Gassho
Internalized “external expectations” keep me in doing, going from one doing to another. It seems as if the to-do’s are being presented by Life, but if I’m in a conditioned doing process, then I’m not open to Life’s guidance. My heart’s desire isn’t heard above lifelong habit of doing. R/L
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Great insight. “Do!” is the clarion call of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, and urgency is its cheerleader. “Do more, do now, do faster,” the voices urge. For that reason, in awareness practice we are encouraged to have at least one period of silence and solitude every day. We need to go on retreat so we have a break from that habitual, urgent doing. In those breaks, in that silence and solitude, we practice hearing that still, small voice of the Heart/Life. Gassho
Image is a big deal for me. But I've watched the process in action enough to know it doesn't bring happiness or freedom. Want to "fix" it, but after much noodling about how to do that, realize the Wisdom is to keep watching it. Deep gratitude for this practice. R/L
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Very wise. My teacher would say, “Nothing can stand up under scrutiny.” If we want something to fall apart, we just keep watching it rather than “feeding” it. Stop doing what maintains it and soon it will disintegrate. Gassho
At times, conditioning will tell me to "look good" and "perform perfectly" and "make it look effortless". The "effortless" part seems important. The attention all goes on the surface portrayal, and my heart gets betrayed. I miss out on having a genuine experience. R/L
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Indeed, that is so. What you’re seeing is that the attention all goes to ego. That’s how the heart gets “betrayed.” (We have to put that in quotes because the Heart can’t be betrayed; it just feels that way to us.) The happy news is that you clearly know what a “genuine experience” is and how to have one! Gassho
Authenticity likes to share happy moments and valuable info on social media; however, ego likes to manipulate this process to suit it's desire to display an image of "success." Egocentrickarmicconditioningselfhate suggests more that others possess this quality. Egocentrickarmicconditioningselfhate analyzes shared info and makes it spiteful and ugly. R/L
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Is that Authenticity on social media? That seems like a fruitful place to apply some attention and awareness. I wonder “who/what” is making those assessments about the whole process. Know what I mean? Gassho
I can feel so concerned at times that others have a negative image of me. With practice, recognizing that as a clue there’s an ego orientation; one that separates and shames. When present, life is not about presenting a winning image and shame does not lead to living/acting from heart. R/L
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HALLELUJAH! That’s an insight I want to put in bold letters (can you tell?). We learn to recognize those kinds of “ideas,” “judgments,” “conversations” as evidence that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has slipped in and grabbed the steering wheel! We hear something in conditioned mind, and rather than believing it, we recognize it, and use it to disidentify and come back to thisherenow. Thank you for that. Gassho
Silicon valley pushes Threeness: do this, achieve that, then post it on Facebook. I wrestle with shame when I hit the lows, and struggle to find self-worth aside from Doing. I spend time Being in my garden, with my cats, with family, but still define myself by Doing.
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Ego defines you by DOING. Ego is doing. That’s how it’s fed. Now that you’ve seen it, you can choose to end it. How? Stop looking to the conversation in conditioned mind for information. It would seem the “do this, achieve that, then post it on facebook” has gone far beyond Silicon Valley! It’s egoland. It’s growing and annexing new territories by the minute. Only we can say no to it—“can” being the operative word! Gassho
Type 3 manifests in a constant looking outward to see if behavior meets projected expectation of others--such heartache! Mentor says this is a unique expression of Life never to be repeated --go for it! R/L
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Can we get an “Amen”? This is our one and only precious life. If we don’t live it, it’ll be gone and “what people thought” will not be a satisfactory compensation! You go! Gassho
I realized how little time I spend thinking about the types that I 'am not.' I also saw that I am a Type 3 and I let in the good qualities that entails, as well as forgiving the foibles of wanting external approval. I feel ready to perform! R/L
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How about being ready to practice awareness? For instance, who is this “I” that thinks, sees, decides, and forgives? Might be worth looking into. Gassho
Seeing the performer in how home/yard are maintained. Driven sense of having to have things "just so" and looking ship shape. Experiencing great enjoyment in the "caring for" and seeing how conditioning can take over "caring for" to drive beyond the love and enjoyment and into suffering. R/L
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Beautifully stated. There’s nothing wrong with anything, is there? As we like to say it, “It’s not what, it’s how.” Taking care of things is a wonderful, fulfilling, joy-producing way to be, right up to the point where egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate jumps in and turns it into a self-hating pile of “shoulds.” We can do anything following Life’s guidance, but a tiny incursion by ego and without bringing attention back to thisherenow, suffering will follow. Gassho
Egocentrickarmiconditioning says not an issue for me. Looking deeper see how often choices are made based on what others might think. Try to be Superwoman want to be seen that way. Exhausting. Step back to center find Life's sweet flowing pace then ego hijacks again. R/L Gassho
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That’s it, isn’t it? There we have awareness practice. Fortunately, we learn to love the coming home to center and thus don’t mind the hijacking. Those hijackings just let us see through another bamboozle and find another way HOME. True? Gassho
Wow, seeing that egocentrickarmiconditioning/self-hate’s focus on a certain image directs way more of my life that I thought. Clothes I wear, car I drive, vacations, etc etc. It sounds silly but imaging dropping it all, how will I know “what to wear?” Will Life drop that in too? R/L
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Only one way to find out, huh? What you’re pointing at is the confusion we have as conditioned human beings that ego is what’s doing everything. Without ego, who would I be? Without ego, how will I know what to do? Ego is never present as Life unfolds; it always comes in just a few beats later with better ideas and claims of superiority and victory. “I had this idea.” “I thought of that,” and such. I can promise you’ll be just fine—and much happier—not being dragged around by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, but we must each have our own experience! Gassho
In reaction to constant messages that I’m failing, I work hard to perform -- feels so “right” and “me”. Then check in with that same system: yep, you’re on track. Am catching on how this pulls me further and further away from Authenticity, from the “track” I want to be on. R/L
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Good job; you’re practicing awareness. We’re sorting between those two tracks moment by moment. Is this following the heart? Does this feel genuine/true/real/authentic? We’re “feeling” our way to freedom! Gassho
A voice says, “Surely you are not so vain as to care about your image.” Nonetheless, this human wants to achieve and be the best (without being known as someone who is competitive). I am learning to question my assumption that I deserve love based on what I do.
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Good! Question that! What I project you’re seeing is that the voice that says, “Surely you are not so vain…” is the same one that constantly points out what you need do to be the best without looking competitive. Ego plays both sides of the board in its dualistic, control-seeking orientation to its survival. In this ping-pong game of ego life, ego has a paddle on each end of the table and the human being is the ping-pong ball! Awareness practice is a process of extricating ourselves from that hateful “game.” Gassho
Earlier in life, I really, really tried to be a 3. Actually, I faked it because I thought it would fix things. I found out that it doesn’t and have been wandering since, suggesting that “image” still holds sway (more so with acquaintances than close friends) R/L
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What we’re doing is always phrased “waking up.” We’re in a process. According to all my spiritual heroes, this is a “gerund” affair. We’re never going to “get finished,” we’re always somewhere along the path working with what we’re currently working with. Both dynamic and fun! Gassho
I have a 3 partner who will periodically express a "deeply felt sense of meaninglessness" which I will then completely identify with. What a relief--it's just egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate expressing what IT is and who we are not. Now we can both instead be wrapped in life's tender embrace. R/L Gassho
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Indeed, you can. Turning attention to Life in thisherenow will handily put paid to ego’s most dramatic “deeply felt sense of meaninglessness.” Not possible to be present and indulge such nonsense! Gassho
I deeply admire and envy two friends who have the Three's positive characteristics. Egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate scolds viciously because I don't. Surprisingly, I do have their negative traits--finding intimacy difficult, shame about who I am. Three is my direction of integration.
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Going up into conditioned mind to analyze rather than being present and allowing Life to guide through insight is one of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s favorite bamboozles. All that intellectualizing deepens a relationship with ego, which is all it accomplishes. Encouragement: Let go the “figuring out” and “knowing.” Just pay attention and see what wisdom, love, and compassion drops in for you in the form of insight. Gassho
Familiar with "presenting" a self that will be admired, high energy, and likeable. Often shows up in social situations with a tendency toward "entertaining". When this identity is going strong it dominates, making authentic presence impossible. No surprise that self-hate often follows on the heals of "performing".
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Which is the whole point, right? Set up to get beat up, that’s self-hate’s game. Why is self-hate so important? Because it keeps ego in the spotlight, center stage all the time. Whether you have the mic, or you’re the wallflower hiding behind the potted palm, ego is in full control, running the show. As we get clearer about that, we find an increasing willingness to pull the plug on it. True? Gassho
I am so ashamed of my family that I "tried" hard to "perform" out and not be like them. My children's diseases forced me back to ask for help and lower expectations. Today I'm mostly grateful for my life. The struggle with family distracts me from here. R/L
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The struggle is with ego. The whole thing is happening in a conversation inside your head. Can you see that? If you dropped that conversation all the problems would go away. If you were living in another conversation—how grateful I am for my life, how much I love and appreciate my family, for instance—you would be having a completely different life experience though nothing external would have changed. As long as we believe that what the conversation in the head is saying is true, we are bound to suffer. Gassho
Memories of being shamed & feeling ashamed of my self, life, family, environment. Anger wells up inside, a tense feeling. Determination to never feel that way again, to always be ahead of the curve, leads to workaholic, behaviors. Its hard to trust anyone, anything. Brief calmness when I let go. R/L
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Let go more often and that “brief calmness” will turn into “calmness.” You can see how this is an ego bamboozle, can’t you? “Memories….” Why have them? Memories aren’t a requirement; they’re a choice. We can choose to remember anything we want or nothing at all. If memories cause such suffering, why entertain them? Because they feed egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate and ego demands to be fed. No person identified with ego will ever trust anything other than ego. That’s just how it is. I hope you can see this whole thing as a process. There’s no “truth” in any of it. It’s a construct. Ego is the puppet master, telling the stories that cause a human being to twitch, jump, and thrash around. Awareness practice enables us to cut those strings and walk away free. Gassho
Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate tells me that who I really am is selfish, petty and cruel - something I must hide at all costs. Trying to appear selfless and loving is painful, and I'm seeing it precludes the experience of unity and integrity that is unconditional love and no-self. R/L
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Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is projecting! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is selfish, petty, and cruel. And, yes, it wants you to hide it at all costs. It’s not “you.” It really has no more to do with you than walking past a bad smell has something to do with you! With me? What’s the “secret” here? Stop giving it attention and it will cease to be—I promise! Will it happen that quickly? No. But a lot quicker than those voices will want you to believe! Gassho
At work and at home, I’m working on long-term projects that will eventually be publicly presented. Although I do them for the joy of doing them, I see how I suffer over how they’ll be received when I believe ego’s projections of inadequacy onto me and judgment onto others. Gassho
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We could call that “pre-suffering,” huh? Nothing is even ready to be presented and the suffering is being piled on about how these projects MIGHT be received and how people MIGHT judge you and them. Sheesh! Just say “no thank you” please. How about starting to make a ton of recordings to remind you that “the process is the outcome,” that you’re enjoying the process, and if/when there’s a future event, you’re going to be ready to enjoy that too. Then listen all the time! Gassho
Listening to a story that something’s wrong with me, need to feel ashamed, leads to trying to create/maintain an image that “looks good” and gets recognition. All based on a lie. I’ve never seen this bamboozle so clearly, perhaps because society approves of “success.” Paying close attention now. R/L
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Good for you! The Buddha did point out about 2500 years ago that “society is insane.” Nothing much has changed, has it? Society seems to approve any and everything that leads to suffering. (I realize that can sound a bit negative, but I don’t think we need to look too far to see how that’s true.) Fortunately, we don’t have to attend to the lies. Isn’t that a blessing! Yes, paying close attention is the key that opens those prison cells! Gassho
One line of the description of Enneatype Three, struck a karmic wound with insight and healing: “Their need to be validated for their image often hides a deep sense of shame about who they really are, a shame they unconsciously fear will be unmasked if another gets too close.” R/L
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Good. Now the practice support will be to make the recordings that will keep that insight alive and the healing healing, yes? Record and listen to the recordings A LOT. Gassho
What resonates most with type 3 is family training that "Image/success is everything" and awareness of doing to get love/prove worthiness, plus accompanying feelings that "this isn't really me". Noticing how hugely distracting from Life/presence are projections about meeting "external expectations" of ego - wow - believing that they're external. Gassho/R/L
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Those last four words are a big clue for all of us—“believing that they’re external.” Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is able to do its dirty work because it gets people to believe there’s a real “out there.” Once we believe that, we’re firmly in ego’s sights and ego is hidden from our view. It whispers, “he’s, she’s, they’re…” and we hop-to to do its bidding. Now you’ve seen it. There’s no out there out there. And, yes, that whole mess is NOT you! Gassho
This one is painful. Realizing that I often feel like a fraud--an actor skilled at making people think I'm a good, caring, giving person because I do kind things. But in reality, my motivation for kind works is shame for who I really am. R/L
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Let’s break that down before you get pulled too deeply into ego’s “pain story.” You realize that you often “feel like a fraud….” Does that make you a fraud? Or are you just called a fraud by the voices in your head? Do you never do kind things just because you care about someone? Are you always motivated by shame? P L E A S E take some time to look long and hard at that whole story. Here’s a hint: It’s crapola! Gassho
I feel free when guided by internal longings, and see so much "anxiety story" surrounds external. Pausing and Slowly finding way through when external conflict with internal as they did just now R/L
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Not sure what happened “just now,” but “pausing and slowly” finding our way is always a good approach. So much of awareness practice revolves around learning to discern the difference between what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is saying/doing and the quiet, gentle guidance of Life living us. Slowing down and paying close attention assists us greatly in this endeavor. Gassho