Four is what I’ve thought I was…melancholic, there’s something wrong with me, something missing, people commenting I’m seeking something, Kept on trying to fill it with someone, something outside me. Since I’ve stopped trying to do what I think others need, feeling less so. It’s the love within me seeking?
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Let’s not go to “figuring it out,” okay? As you continue to watch the process, additional insights will drop in for you. That’s the great thing about awareness practice— the conditioned mind and the egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate that “fuels” it is not a requirement. We can practice being HERE, with the human being, present to what’s unfolding, and the clarity will become apparent for us. Gassho
This had my number so much that it ripped something apart. I am not special. What I hold as my ‘difference’ can be categorized simply. My egocentrickarmicconditioning/ self-hate connects with a collective egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate. Both are manmade systems -- you must release both. The drive of self-hate is the same drive for romance.
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You are definitely “on to it,” and my encouragement to you is the same as to your neighbor—beware of getting pulled up into conditioned mind to reach conclusions. As soon as we think we know, we stop paying attention, which is what ego is counting on! Don’t “own” the egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, please. It’s a system, not “yours” or “mine.” And, yes, it is an add-on, an overlay that we are predisposed to buy into. Keep watching! Gassho
Notice much energy/effort goes into being unique, standing out from the crowd. Some of this is fun, but often turns into a standard—and suffering. Life’s sufficiency gets equated with mediocrity and is to be avoided! Relaxing into the uniqueness of Life’s sufficiency, dropping the not-so-unique striving. R/L
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Great point! All egos are obsessed with being unique, special. People who don’t have a prayer of being “the worst” willingly listen to the stories in conditioned mind about how bad they are. Identified with ego, a person is the center of the universe! Children can be starving to death all around, but “my problems” and “how I’m the awful cause of those problems” is far more compelling than forgetting about “my ego” and pitching in to assist others. At this juncture, people identified with ego will start hearing self-hating voices saying things like, “See, you really are an awful, selfish person!” All part of the same bamboozle! Gassho
Hadn’t realized how much drama and longing were hovering in the background (and foreground). It’s freeing to spot them and practice turning my attention to the beauty and contentment of the moment. R/L Gassho
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It is freeing to drop whatever the voices in conditioned mind are on about, AND we don’t ever want to get lulled into believing that “because I know what’s happening I’m not vulnerable to it.” That’s what the ego-maintenance system is counting on. We see it, we get it, we nod off again. Very dangerous. Gassho
That others have what I long for makes me less than others; my exalted longing makes me better. Laughing at ego’s idea of a joke. What I want is here, always. “Better” and “less” are blinders to what’s already here, which is just what it is, perfect.
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Yes, that is so, AND I would encourage you never to believe ego is joking about anything. Ego has absolutely no sense of humor—or sense of anything else. Its focus always is on what’s going to give attention to “me.” Realizing all the Heart desires is presence is perfect, isn’t it? Gassho
In my singing, I want 100% freedom of expression and joy or else disappointment sets in. It's in my power to have that--why can't I? Feel that "my" self-hate is meaner and more stubborn than anyone else's and that the creativity it blocks will be too big to handle. R/L
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Oh, my. Where to begin? The very notion of “my” singing is already sliding down a slippery slope to suffering, and picking up speed. There’s no ownership of anything we’ve been given, and to believe there is courts disaster. “I want” takes that whole pursuit of misery to warp speed. “I want 100% freedom of expression and joy…” The question “who doesn’t?” springs immediately to mind. So, stated another way, “If I don’t get exactly what I want, I’m going to be disappointed.” Why will I be disappointed? Because it’s in my power, in my control, to have exactly whatever I want. Oh, my. I truly hope you can see what I’m pointing at. You are in a HUGE bamboozle. Major delusion. Is “your” self-hate meaner and more stubborn than anyone else’s? NO! Is the creativity it blocks too big to handle? NO! That is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate dishing up codswallop by the barrelful! Time to get into a long and focused conversation with the Mentor! Gassho
Exploring the question "Where am I now?" with Mentor and practicing complete acceptance. Looking to the past or future is set up for an egocentrickarmicconditioning takeover producing fear and/or disappointment. Total acceptance with who I am each moment opens up possibilities for life’s guidance on my spiritual journey. R/L
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Not sure what this has to do with the assignment. That said, if you’re open to a suggestion: “Practicing total acceptance with who I am each moment” can be a very dangerous activity. It assumes clarity about who’s looking and what’s being seen. Accepting “what is” can be equally dangerous, but at least there’s a focus beyond “me.” Gassho
Stunned when I read #4 - this is me completely. Immediate thought: How can I possibly change a lifetime of being a certain way? Feeling-Grief. Question: What do I do now? Where does the strength come from to reverse a life built on one central belief and foundation spanning decades?
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Awareness practice. It’s the same for all of us. We’re captivated by ego, bamboozled by karmic conditioning and self-hate. We suffer. Some, usually unnoticed, miracle happens and we get a clue. We start coming to. We wind up somewhere in something “spiritual,” read or hear something that stuns us, and we begin to consciously change course. The answer to “where does the strength come from” is Life. Intelligence is waking up. To the degree you get fascinated by that process, you will feel energy growing in you. It’s truly exciting. It’s fun. It’s a great adventure. You’ll feel fully alive, possibly for the first time. You won’t have to worry about a lack of strength! Gassho
Associating physical sensations or emotions and their meaning is primarily with this identity. How I feels is how it is. Identification with the drama in movies and books associated with illness. It can be an excuse for inaction or indecision; the feeling means I want to but I can’t. R/L
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Yep. What you’ll realize increasingly, should you continue to practice awareness, is that there’s nothing unusual in that process. It’s how ego-identified human beings operate. Once we see that, we can stop taking it so seriously. Chicken Little thought the sky was falling. We’re conditioned to believe lots, mountains really, of stuff that isn’t true. With practice, we get to find out what’s rubbish and drop it. Very exhilarating! Gassho
After a major move, leaving behind unwanted items, a subpersonality overwhelmed with sense of loss appears. Return, items retrieved, but--space lacking in new house--donated to charity. Discard subpersonality cheers. Space found, sense of loss returns, plus self-recrimination. Suddenly see the subpersonalities, the egocentric karmic conditioning/self hate loop, burst out laughing.
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Seeing those aspects of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate as “real” gives them a power we don’t need to give them, right? If we believe they have reality in and of themselves, we feel compelled to deal with them as individuals. When we see them all as voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we can notice them, drop them, and move on—with more room in the closets! Gassho
Disappointment. What's missing. Something more. If I'm not paying attention, I can get swept away in the melancholy of these karmic triggers. Instead, I can Practice using them as reminders to call the Mentor. Authentic connection and the "what's missing" are always Right Here if I choose. R/L
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Increasingly, we’re learning to “use everything in our experience to see how we cause ourselves to suffer so we can drop that and end suffering,” yes? If we’re not paying attention, those old stories will drag us down into a pit of misery. Recognizing them for what they are, we can re-direct attention to thisherenow and step free. Gassho
Seeing through eyes of “four” the perennial glass is half-empty. Something wrong seeps in and settles if not vigilant. Drama prevails. Yes to participating in practice opportunities, making practice the center of Life lived maintains vigilance/awareness/presence. In this way, seeing through the eyes of love/presence, “glass is full-to-over-flowing.” Much gratitude! R/L
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Learning to recognize what used to be signals to suffer as signals to come to conscious awareness makes the practice of awareness the thrilling adventure it is. (I just saw some eyes roll as people read that, but everyone not identified with ego knows it’s true!) Until we’ve practiced a while, we can be caught in believing that “vigilance” is arduous. But it isn’t, is it? It’s joyful. Right HERE. Right NOW. With THIS. Thrilling! Gassho
My history, story, and personality are classic 4. Writing a memoir gave me distance; gratitude reduced my longing. Fundamental ache remains in child heart. Plethora of "physical" issues reflect stress and drama of being unfulfilled 4. Life is better now, but leaving always hangs around.
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You’re obviously doing good work so I offer you this: There’s no such thing as a “fundamental ache remaining in a child’s heart.” There just isn’t. That’s a fundamental bamboozle being perpetrated by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. You get a signal to “look.” You look and what you’re told is “yes, that ache is still there.” I hope you’ll keep watching that process and prove to yourself that what’s still there is karma being held in place by a story in conditioned mind. Children don’t stay stuck in old stories, egos do. Don’t let the voices tell you what I’m saying is “harsh” or that “she doesn’t understand.” I do understand, and only an ego wanting to protect its “territory” is going to find an encouragement to look closer as “harsh.” Gassho
Lots of loss and grief when I was young. An empty hole in me that would never be filled. I feel I am lacking something because of my losses. Could I possibly be whole despite all those losses? Is this ego fooling me to unconsciousness?
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Yes, it is ego fooling you into unconsciousness; yes, you can certainly be whole despite those losses; in fact, you already are. All of that is a story being cruelly used to keep you in suffering. The world is full of loss. It’s everywhere. We’re born and will die. We love and we will grieve. Does that result in empty holes that can never be filled? No. It most assuredly does not. If you choose to stay with awareness practice, you will prove that to yourself. I hope you do. Gassho
Yes! Most of my life I've felt as though I'm "missing a chip". I never fit in with other kids, and it's taken me years to be able to make friends. I knew there must be something wrong. Loving myself was impossible until I discovered my mentor. R/L
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I wish we could all be in one room and see the number of hands that would be raised in answer to the questions, “Ever feel you have a chip missing? Ever feel you don’t fit in, that there’s something wrong with you?” Every hand would go up—unless we had some liars in the room. Because egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate keeps us isolated, we think we’re the only one. We’re not. In fact, ego is horrified as we catch on to how NOT unique ego is! (Do keep in mind, please, that the Mentor is not personal. The Mentor is a “personification” of the Authentic Nature of All That Is.) Gassho
Longing for greater intimacy in marriage, project others have that “special” connection that I lack. Stories abound about “why it’s missing”, seeking it externally keeps me from experiencing it within and extending it to others, including my spouse. Dropping stories, it’s just moving with life’s rhythms.
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DROPPING STORIES! You nailed it for all of us! We have all these stories, assumptions, beliefs, and meanings cluttering up our heads. “They” all have something special “you” (as the voices in conditioned mind call me) don’t have, and that’s why you must suffer now and suffer always. Hog wash! We get HERE, with Life, and get some real info about how things are, and the problems fall away as the stories fall away. Gassho
Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self hate creates desire -Super achiever man likes mediocre me. I feel adored, worthy to my life but, can't continue relationships as it's empty. Ego scans my flaws and theirs; creating contempt. Feel anger in wanting real relationship but need lust and attraction as well. Gassho R/L
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Dragged around through life by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is just not the rollicking good time it’s purported to be, is it? And, yes, ego does get ticked when you catch on to its shenanigans. Go ahead and scan ego’s flaws, and watch your desire for it fade away. Gassho
I've had an opportunity to clearly see egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate. I am retiring: have no more work stress, enough money for life and kids' college expenses, house paid off...All the life long worries are gone, yet I still suffer terribly! Never was the content of my life, was always conditioned mind.
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Good. I can’t see how this relates to the class assignment, but I am very happy for you that you’re now at a perfect time to begin practicing awareness in earnest! Gassho
Holding a belief that I'm different & didn't belong, I moved far away, many times. Always thinking the next place would be "it". Each time I end up with the same feelings, and isolation. It starts over again, "I don't fit in here" - "where am I meant to be"
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Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest the answer to that question is HERE, rather than lost in conditioned mind. Whenever we’re on a retreat and someone talks about “not belonging,” I ask people in the retreat if there’s anyone who knows that experience. All the hands go up. That’s what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate does. It gets people to believe “you don’t belong, no one understands you” so the person will stay home and be in isolated, intimate relationship with it! Now that you see it you can stop moving around and find your HOME, via awareness practice, in thisherenow. Gassho
Core belief that I am deeply lonely. Mentor surprises ego: "No one can love you the way you need, sweetheart. It’s not a need, it’s a want, and the ache will never be met. At least not by another person... We can find the relationships we really need pretty easily." R/L
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Well, there you have it! If anyone reading along is not in relationship with the Mentor, I hope you can see you’re missing out. Thank you for that. Love the “pretty easily.” So true. Gassho
I see the pattern- my heart falls in love with someone, then I'm told that someone is someone wrong/not enough. They break-up, intense yearning and panic, sorrow/despair follow. Repeat. Then told give up. Stay alone.
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Good. Very helpful to see the pattern, isn’t it? Seeing it, you can begin to undo it. You care for someone. The voices in conditioned mind say that someone is not good enough. Believing the voices, you end the relationship. The voices of self-hate fill you with stories that lead to awful feelings. You find someone to care for…. Yes, it’s a scam, a con, a bamboozle to get you to stay home with ego and feed it all your life force. Time to turn it around, huh? Gassho
"What's missing" orientation is the slow slide D-O-W-N; the opposite of contentment. It is conditionings first response, if I turn to it. Contentment never comes from discontent. Turning away from that orientation is the only way to receiving and enjoying! It's what I choose to practice over and over! R/L
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Excellent. We’re hearing a lot of success from turning those “signals that it’s time to suffer” into “signals that it’s time to come to.” As we get a list of ego’s standard ploys—can be helpful to write them on the wall or make recordings that remind us to watch for them—we start seeing them as flags. “Ah, yes. I’m in a conversation in my head about what’s missing. I’m identified with ego! Time to get to presence.” Ego would like people to believe it’s terribly clever and imaginative. It isn’t. It’s predictable. We just have to train ourselves to see how it does what it does. Gassho
Most of my life it’s been the wrong house, spouse, spiritual practice, car etc. Sounds pretty 4 like. Recently I had an insight that the only thing ever missing was love. It was one of those transformational moments. The practice became more clear, love everything and everyone. R/L
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Very good. Now that you’ve been practicing with that, I bet you can see the only thing ever missing was presence, Yes? Presence let’s us stay on track with choosing Love rather than love, if you follow my drift. Gassho
Fourness beliefs are so deep it's hard to see when happening. Example--though content and committed in relationship, always subconsciously looking at other women. "Maybe she is the 'perfect' partner." I see it a millisecond later. Constantly vampiring from joy, from,even, just seeing the person for the miracle they are. R/L
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Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is a nasty trickster, isn’t it? “Oh, you think you’re happy but what about that or that or that? Wouldn’t you be happier with that?” What we’re learning with awareness practice is that we can only be as happy as we can be, and that that happy only ever exists in thisherenow. True? Gassho
So much projection. Easy to spot in others. TINW retreat really helped me gain insight into how the focus on what’s missing is all a con. Next steps: continue to spot the subtleties of the “if only X” line of thinking as it sneaks into assumptions for this human being. R/L
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That’s it! That’s practice, isn’t it? We have to learn to spot the infiltration of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, keeping close watch as it gets subtler and subtler. That’s why I keep cautioning people not to fall for “I used to do that, but now I just choose Unconditional Love.” Do we want to choose Unconditional Love? Absolutely. Will doing that make us proof against more and more subtle levels of the con? Not a bit! Gassho
I see the chasm between life I have & voices of dream life I'd like better. It seems insane to believe it now. Looks like fear (egocentrickarmicconditioning/sh.) Duality pulling her back & forth causing suffering, keeping attention. Much love for doing the work. R/L
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So true that once we see egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate for what it is, it seems insane to believe it—insane that we ever fell for it. Yet we did. And we still can, right? So we keep up our practice, reminding ourselves often that we are ending lifetimes of suffering, and just saying we don’t want to suffer any more is not gonna cut it. We do the work and, blessedly, we begin to love the work! Gassho
I have a history of being drawn to “intense emotional states” and living in the future of “when happens I will be happy.” A love of opera and melodrama fed the melancholy which could turn into depression and obsession. Gratefully, practice has changed this pattern. R/L
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Would it be more accurate to say that practice is changing this pattern? Karma has a powerful pull, doesn’t it? If it were easy to break the grip of ego, we would have done it long ago! Now we see it’s not a contest, and ending it is what we’re going for. Gassho
"This is rubbish. You're so tired. Today worked out all wrong." I feel awful. "Dearest, darling human, everything is just perfect. Look, your beautiful home. Look, amazing views of your garden and valley beyond. Look, beautiful wonderful things you have in your life, right now, right this minute." I smile. R/L
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So much kinder than ego’s, “Get a grip. What’s the matter with you? You have so much to be grateful for and you’re bellyaching.” The Mentor just gently assists us to re-direct attention to what is so. Attention is on Life and gratitude fills the heart. Can’t help smiling! Gassho
Nope. No 4 here. Oh...unless...Would longing for a farmer's life qualify? (Horses, outdoors, getting dirty?) To love that life instead of the life I lead. Huh. Yes, the wistful desire for something other ("better") than what is. R/L
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Perhaps, huh? Now there’s certainly nothing wrong with a love of horses, outdoors, and getting dirty, is there? The only problem with what you’re describing is what you pointed out: You’re not here for the life you have, and you’re being made to believe that fantasy would be better than what Life is unfolding for you in this moment. Nothing wrong with it; it just pales next to real life. And, of course, you can always head off to the nearest farm on some spacious day that Life drops in that as a fun thing to do. Gassho
Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate says I miss "the receptors for connection" in some situations involving other people. "I just don't get how they feel". Will check if it says so only afterwards or during specific situations too. In both cases I'll use it as a reminder to come back to present. R/L
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The other thing you might pay attention to is the assumption that it’s possible for us to “get how they feel.” Is that true? Is that what “connection” means, believing we know how another feels? And, yes, in all cases using everything we can as reminders to come to presence! Gassho
Me, “a Romantic”? However, there are projections: the perfect mate, income, or lifestyle. Ego distracts, by conditioning satisfaction on unobtainable fantasy fulfillment. No thanks! Whatever is happening, “thisherenow” is just perfect. R/L
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Thisherenow is indeed perfect, AND what we’re exploring in this class are the times we get pulled into egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s, in this case, Enneatype 4-ness. Paying attention to those projections and fantasies—how you get pulled in, how much time/energy you spend in them, ways to head them off, etc.—could be fruitful. Gassho
Wow I have such 4 tendencies in relationships. Currently in a loving supportive partnership and egocentrickarmicondioning still telling me something's missing. Not enough emotion magical feelings or drama so not really love. Makes me miss the goodness I have. Why would egocentrickarmicondtioning/self-hate ever be a love expert? That's ridiculous. R/L Gassho
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Perfect, isn’t it? The one thing in the universe devoted to avoiding Love is presenting itself as an authority on love. We gotta laugh, except for those times we get hoodwinked into believing it and suffer as a result. Great insight. Gassho
In addition to the awareness that there is a constant ego pull to strive for something that’s not here, I see the desire to do something about that awareness. The awareness itself gets folded into the longing (for a time when I’m “free” of the ego pattern). Just being instead. R/L
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Great catch! I see the longing and long for a time when I’m not longing. Ooohh… ego is slippery, isn’t it? Seeing that kind of process is what makes awareness practice so much fun. Sherlock Holmes has got nuthin’ on us! Gassho
I can get stuck in a belief that other, better people have or know something that I don’t. The Mentor says, “All that’s needed is to attend to this one thing, right now” -- the rest drops away and the experience is one of wholeheartedness and connection. R/L Gassho
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Yep. You make a strong case for spending a LOT of time in conversation with the Mentor. That’s a very quick trip to thisherenow, isn’t it? Gassho
Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate's focus on the next moment is its ploy to pull me out of the present, contentment and peace. Being told right here is not enough. Must look out there. Know it's all a sham. R/L
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I suppose that puts everyone in touch with Enneatype 4-ness, doesn’t it? “There’s another moment, the next moment, and it has something that this moment doesn’t have. It’ll be better than this moment.” Horse pucky, isn’t it? Gassho
Wow! Yep! Do that anyway, but searching for stability after 25 year marriage ended in betrayal. Longing for that intimate connection that was of most importance to me. Will be okay then, without warning, depression. Frequent thoughts of dying. Not life threatening, but SO painful. How best to hold them? R/L
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Don’t hold them! Let them go. Truly. I don’t know where you are with awareness practice as we do it, but all you mention is what we practice with. Betrayal, longing, intimate connection, depression, thoughts of dying are some of the “content” that we learn to approach as process. We learn to disidentify from the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate yammering on in conditioned mind, and be with the human being in compassionate awareness. Stick with us; all will be revealed. Gassho
Distant longing, push-pull, not settling for less. Missing a home, relationship, & money = stressed = identified. From there, nobody/ nothing wants to be near me (including myself). When attention isn’t on what’s missing, I have everything I need. Currently pursuing a home - mostly w/ Life leading- different experience. R/L
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You’re describing beautifully the difference between “identified with ego” and “identified with Life.” We’re either inhabiting the dark room or the Light Room. What’s always astonishing is that nothing is any different in the two orientations, except who’s looking. Everything “outside” is exactly the same. Same people, same job, same house, and our experience is completely different. Ego sees the job, the spouse, the entire existence as boring, unexciting, unfulfilling, something to avoid and escape (that requires endless conversation in the head!). When present with Life, those very same “things” are seen not just as fine, but as perfect. Gassho
So helpful to see how the 4 characteristics show up now as wanting something in a different way, when what Life is offering is exactly what is needed. Bringing attention to that process of loving what is given is bliss. Gassho R/L
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Recognizing the “wanting something in a different way” from what it is—ego bamboozling—enables us not to believe what the voices are saying, but instead to go to our experience of gratitude for what Life is offering. Much happier, huh? Gassho
Married for 35 years and still carried a secret “4 “thought that I didn't marry my romantic soulmate. Surprise and learning-Life is my soulmate. Contentment brings ego fear of depression. Confuse desire animating me with Life animating. Gassho. R/L
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That’s lovely. Life is our soul mate. Very true, isn’t it? And, we can have and love anyone else we choose, can’t we? A caution: Contentment brings ego hope of depression. Ego is fear, that’s true. But ego is never going to be afraid that “you” will be depressed. Depression is candy for ego. If you, the authentic human, are suffering, ego is happy. Know what I mean? Lots of focus of attention on conditioned mind for “what to do?” Ego candy. You’re onto the “what’s animating.” You’ll see that clearly as you continue to pay attention. Gassho