CLASS 5 FINAL
I sometimes hear conditioned mind doing a gigantic processing job. I like to pull the plug whenever possible. It's all just as it is. I don't have to have so many formulated opinions about things. All this is just as it is. It's better practice to stop the thought train.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Always. It can seem as if “pulling the plug on egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is something we like to do whenever possible,” but it’s critical—if we want the life that’s ours to have if we choose it—that we turn “like” and “whenever possible” into a stronger commitment. It can seem we’re “making our own decisions,” but catching on that such a casual approach is being orchestrated by the very force devoted to controlling a human life can put some starch in our resolve. Know what I mean? Gassho
I notice sometimes when I’m in a group, the belief that I don’t belong arises, and I default to being the observer, rather than actively contributing and participating. Observing feels safer than risking emotional exposure. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Observing makes ego safer. That’s all. It doesn’t make you safer. You’re the one being held hostage by an energy-sucking insatiable hungry ghost whispering hateful messages in your ear. If we were in a retreat that put us all in the same room, I would ask, “Anyone else hear in your head that you don’t belong?” and 99% of the hands would go up. It’s one of ego’s favorite bamboozles. Now you’ve seen it. Now you know “what” that “observing to be safe” is serving—and it’s not you—so you can get right on with contributing and participating. Very glad to have you! Gassho
I catch myself holding back reaction to or parenting from my gut in some situations with my preTeen boy. Egocentrickarmicconditioing tells me "the best way to do this is found online in an article written by experts." Time to take a deeper look at thAt and practice trusting my gut.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Even better! Develop a Recording and Listening practice that gives you access to the wisdom, love, and compassion that is Life. You don’t have to turn to experts, and you don’t need to rely on a “conditioned gut.” You can learn to be present, in the moment, and respond to what’s arising. That’s the whole point of awareness practice. Gassho
Noticing I have a clenched stomach when anyone is around or even might come into the room. So subtle or just so constant I don’t even notice it! Or is it egocentrickarmic-conditioning/self-hate constantly whispering a really unheard story that just seems like it has something to do with other people? R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here’s what I am confident about: You can answer that question for yourself by doing what you’re obviously already doing—paying attention. The ego-maintaining voices want you to believe stuff like “I don’t even notice it!” but obviously you do! You’re telling us about it. If you can describe it, it’s because you’re seeing it, yes? Keep watching and you’ll hear the whispering right before the clenching. Oops, was that too big a hint? Nah, you’re still going to have all the fun of direct experience discovery! Gassho
There is the appreciation of quiet, the love of learning and the avoidance of emotionally taxing individuals and situations. Karmicconditioning/selfhate advises: "take care of yourself and conserve your energy." Then the voices chastise me for not contributing enough. The little girl feels lonely and disconnected. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Buddha encouraged us that we “have one person to save.” You know who she is, right? Really good people get trapped in unhappy lives by trying to do what the voices say is the right thing to do. Don’t do that! Ditch the voices and start doing what will put an end to that lonely disconnection. What would that be? You know, right? Continuing to practice awareness only more so! Connect with practice and the loneliness will disappear. You and you will have found one another. Gassho
Resonate with feeling overwhelmend and drained if not enough alone time, too much input exhausting. Need time and space to digest emotion and information, if do not have, there is a shut down. Mentor encourages staying with sensations while in connection, that only egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate wants to be alone, separate. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now there’s something important for us all to get: “Alone” for egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate means separate, isolated. The “alone” that we feel in our company is an experience of connection with all Life. Very different, isn’t it? Gassho
With PTSD, energy management is very important. I struggle to balance much needed "alone time" vs unhealthy isolation. Ego tries hard to solidify identity of "I can't do x, y, z," and that closes off new experiences and connections. Lots of fear of PTSD symptoms/setbacks if I miscalculate my energy.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I so hope you’ll stick with practice. I know that all you wrote seems/feels really, really true currently, and I can promise you it isn’t. Fear is ego, and ego is going to attempt to get people into fear about as much as it can. Fear is a terrible motivator, a terrible physician, life coach, etc. Presence is what will guide us perfectly, and there’s never any fear in presence. The voices will want to claim that “she doesn’t understand,” but she does. This practice has freed people from every condition known to humankind, and PTSD is no exception. Gassho
Feelings are not safe- so I started ignoring them at a very early age. Now, I can’t find my feelings, I can’t feel things! I am practicing with singing and dance to enliven my emotions and help me get back to emotional expression. Perhaps feelings can be good? R/L Gassho
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You’re a sentient being…. I was expressing the hope that your neighbor stick with practice; I express the same wish to you. It’s probably safe to say that more people are cut off from their feelings than are in touch with them. The reason that’s so is that even people who think they’re in touch with their feelings are actually in touch with what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate tells them they’re feeling. Awareness practice will answer all your questions, and it’s a whole lot more fun than trying to figure things out. Gassho
The fear of being seen as unworthy keeps me isolated physically and emotionally. The fear of failing keeps me small and from not fully participating. If I can't go all in, then ego says no. I get told people take energy and they are a threat. Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I’m guessing that’s the crapola you’re practicing to get free of, yes? If you can’t go all in, ego says no and you’re never allowed to go all in? Ego makes sure you always feel like a failure so you’ll stay small. Ego also makes sure you feel unworthy so you’ll stay home with it. What you’ve seen as true is that ego takes energy and ego is a threat. Right? Here we go! Gassho
Knowledge feels like preparation to do my best. Aware of ego’s mental/noodling preoccupation - seductiveness of it wanting to control/compartmentalize for predictable/safe future. Much enjoyment/presence experienced in observing, sometimes slower participating/jumping into unfamiliar. Perhaps 9 with 5 wing? Dropping the stories - being present to gratitude in thisherenow, Ahhh. Gassho R/L.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Figuring it out and coming up with another label is just not where we want to go, is it? All that “you’re that way and that way and you like that because it gives you l, m, n” is just more of ego’s noodling. We see these attitudes and behaviors so we can stop believing and taking them personally, right? Each insight enables us to drop another of ego’s hooks and be a bit more fully present. Gassho
Two things arose. One, the belief there are things you can/must know before being able to make a decision and you must acquire the right knowledge. Two, valuing people based on what they know/don’t. Clearly with opinions about others, with R/L also see internal judgment/self-valuing based on knowledge acquisition.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That’s good to see, isn’t it? Looking through the lens of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we get conned into believing that “I see them.” With practice, we begin to see that actually “it” (egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate) is “seeing” me. Everything I’m “guided” by the ego voices to opine about others is what ego is using against me to control me. “He’s such a no-nothing” is going to come right back at me with “what’s the matter with you? You should have known that!” When we start seeing what’s happening inside the head as “not me,” we’re going to get way ahead of the game! Gassho
Interesting to see others as "5" but not me! 5 helps to maintain (!) the good feelings. In the form of freezing/postponing the actions, phone calls etc at work!). Or acting out of 'fear' sensations/ predicting the worst case scenarios/scanning the conversations/rehearsing in the mind. All conditioning ! R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes, those are all conditioning. It’s helpful/liberating to recognize behaviors and attitudes we’ve been programmed to see as “me” are actually egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate playing out a script. Each time we see conditioning for what it is, ego loses a bit of power, a little more of its control over us. Good, huh? Gassho
5 is not my primary enneatype but I see many 5 qualities in myself. They are just under the surface enough not to create noticeable issues but all restrict my participation in life by separating me from others. They appear small but have big results. I will be watching! Gassho R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You make an important point: Many of the qualities that conditioning would claim are “too small to create noticeable issues” do an incalculable amount of damage in a person’s life. The amount of damage is incalculable because conditioning keeps the “causes” under the surface. I may be suffering but I have no idea that what’s “causing” that suffering is something that is operating under the level of conscious awareness, something I’m told is too insignificant to explore. Great catch! Gassho
As a lifelong observer, I often have painful regrets over lost opportunities where I needed to “think about it a little longer”. This moves into “I've taken too much time thinking, so I have lost my opportunity (but I am also glad that “I” haven’t done anything “stupid”). Ouch! Gassho.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh, dear. That is a painful one, isn’t it? The good news is you’ve now seen it clearly and can safely let go that “lifelong observer” identity. Gassho
Ego reminds me of being “overly-mental” for most of my life. The best advice from the mentor comes in the form of “drop it,” “live in I don’t know,” and especially “there is no need to noodle that.” Learning to distinguish between being alone (in practice) vs. being isolated (identified). R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are very helpful explorations, aren’t they? Great to see the Mentor calling egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate on what it’s doing; it calls you “overly mental” while talking you into “needing to ‘know’ and noodling.” Evildoer! Gassho
5ishness leads me to research. Better research-- better results. Leave me alone with my studies. There is a time and place for everything. Even Buddhist study can be researched and "mastered.” So egocentrickarmicconditioningselfhate separates me further and I am pointed in a useless direction. Hmmm, better read up on this. LOL. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Or perhaps research “how to grow more humor.” It sounds as if you have a great start on that, and goodness knows an increasing sense of humor is a must for awareness practice. It is likely true that “Buddhist study” can be researched and mastered, but Buddhism? Never. Hui Neng said, “I don’t understand Buddhism.” He was pointing to exactly what you’re noticing. Thank goodness egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate can’t awaken. Gassho
Five's descriptions created many 'yes, exactly!' responses. Yet some major successes dropping that lens. Riding the bike path used to be an exercise in protecting myself. Memorable breakthrough realizing these micro-interactions could *create* energy, not just *drain* energy. Now exchanging smiles/energy is among the best parts of riding! R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Excellent. Again, it’s not “what,” it’s “how.” Seeing how the beliefs and assumptions held in conditioned mind control us, we’re able to let go the control and make conscious choices for ourselves. This is what practicing awareness gives us access to. Gassho
Comfortable with a lot of time alone. My mind always looking for something to read, to learn, a patron to uncover. I am not comfortable in a people gathering. Calculating all of my steps. Afraid of spontaneity and emotionally distant. Wonder which world out there I am loosing. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We don’t need to wonder, that’s just more of the same! As we practice being in presence, the world as it is is apparent to us. That “mind always looking for something to read, etc.” is an important place to look. That’s distraction. Ego would likely deny that. Television is distraction. Useless social interactions are distraction. Reading and learning? No. That’s intelligent. That’s what we should be doing. (Or something along those lines.) When we take away “the mind’s” ability to consume its addiction/distraction of choice, we start getting a clear view of how we’re being snookered. Gassho
Noticing a belief about not having enough energy, having to conserve energy, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to isolate in response. If something outside the routine occurs, the voices say “Wait until you have more energy.” Doing the thing “I” doesn’t have enough energy to do unfailingly brings more energy. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes, it most assuredly does! Great catch. That “not enough energy, too tired, wait until later” is one of ego’s most successful dodges. People invariably assume it’s true! That is until someone is paying close enough attention to realize, “Wait a tick; I’m not tired.” Then that particular con is foiled. Gassho
See lack of trust in Life to provide guidance. "I" has to figure out threatening world...and "I" is what's telling me it's threatening! (Double meaning for "it" there: ego is threatening!) Way around this hook: "Is that so?" R/L Also, very mental: limited emotional states indicate screening by egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
All head/no body is an indication that perhaps egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has grabbed the wheel? That’s quite a good check-in, isn’t it? Is all the attention on the inside of the head? Has the body been abandoned for an intellectual discussion of possible danger? Very helpful. Gassho
Knowledge equals safety, distant from emotions, disengaged are all familiar. In depression, privacy morphed into fear of everything, even getting mail, but have learned to see those extremes and reassure instead. Crave time alone but realizing don’t love it. In fact, it’s code for going unconscious. Helpful to see. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Essential to see, wouldn’t you say? Ego craves time alone. Ego wants you (all of us) to go unconscious. Ego is fear, wants fear, wants a person to obsess about fear. Literally our lives depend on seeing through these horrible machinations of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Gassho
Going on a date with someone new, I noticed wanting to predict what would happen, and a story that the emotions that come up with dating are too scary/intense, and I need to get it "under control" (ego's control, of course) - enjoying the ride is not an option. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, it wasn’t an option, right? Clearly it is now. You’re seen all this stuff. There’s no turning back now, is there? No? Good. Gassho
In midst of challenging circumstances and 5-ness manifests in doing work required almost robotically; an ego takeover that depletes the human. Seeing how Life knows how to fly joyfully through the required tasks in a way that builds energy and takes care of all. R/L
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Marvelous. Here we have a great example of Practice In Action. (That will be the title of the movie when it comes out.) Life knows how to be joyful because Life IS joyful. We want to be joyful? We need to get with Life. Very good! Gassho
Interesting point: expression of feelings and non-compartimentalization of different realms can help reduce sense of being overwhelmed by others and one's own weakness and flaws.Thanks
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
If we stick with this presence stuff long enough, we’ll even realize there’s no such thing as one’s own and other’s weakness and flaws. I promise. Gassho