Practice Corner

Joining the Yearlong radio show, that moment, that pause: Am I going to push the button to join the queue?
 
“Welllllll, you could say X but maybe Y is better, actually you don’t have anything to say that’s good, and you know, you didn’t...”
 
I fell for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s spiel time and again. Then during one show, inspired by Sangha and moved by Life, I just joined the queue. Boop. Button got pushed. Just like that. “I” had no idea of what I hoped to say, no plan, no “A+” answer for the teacher. Instead, Life and I just sat there together with big goofy loving grins on our faces.
 
Thereafter, some radio shows I joined the queue, some I didn’t. Some I joined halfway or near the end, but joined I did, dang it! (It had become a competition.). There were beatings I listened to. Sometimes I was called upon to share! Often I was bamboozled into listening to a review: both “it was brilliant” and “yeah, you shouldn’t have/could have...” (And noticing even the “brilliant” didn’t bring true satisfaction, just a very temporary “relief” of having “survived.” And once ego had me hooked: “Actually, it wasn’t that brilliant. In fact...”)
 
At least a year or two went by.
 
“What are you practicing?” a caller was asked. I was not in the queue. Hmm. What was I practicing? The years came together in a rush: I was practicing his worth is conditional, that it depends on what he has to say, on how he performs. A great fierceness arose: I am going to love this person WITHOUT CONDITION! I joined the queue. And it was decided. No. More. Discussion. I join the queue. That’s what I do. “But you didn’t even do the assignment!” That’s discussion. Boop.
 
BUT ADRENALINE AND WHAT ABOUT…. Deep breath in. Pause. Slow breath out. ADRENA... Internally reflect the caller. Calmness. Feels like that time in college, remember when all that great stuff happened? And now just don’t quite feel the same way... Ha! Back to one with a slow inhale, aware of wind on skin.
 
Life doesn’t care what I say. Not in ego’s judge-y sense. And: Life does care what I say, more than I can ever know. Absolutely treasured, loved, delighted in no matter what. Speak, love, I can’t wait to hear your voice! Participate! Say yes! I can’t wait to be with you! Hafiz begins to make sense. The story of the Prodigal Child. Love, Lover, Beloved all one. None of it earned or deserved or whatever. Just because. Unconditional. Boop.
 
Oh, a Reflective Listening Buddies sign-up email. Hmm, next couple months are going to be...that’s discussion, Yes! Practice Everywhere notifications are piling up; I’ll just look at them later...wait a minute, Yes! is reading one now. Email class? Yes! Oh, I missed a few submissions, you’re too far behind...wait, Yes! is starting again now! Invitation to write a Practice Corner article. Big gut clench: oof, not sure “I” can...Yes!
  
Gasshō,
Dan S.