I was in a funk, no doubt. It came after a few weeks of being lit up and descended as a black cloud of stories, beliefs, and assumptions that I unconsciously took on. To combat it, I increased my Recording and Listening and meditation. I listened to archives from the Radio Show. I went outside, I danced, and when all that didn’t “work,” I watched TV and read novels (these last two in desperation). All to no avail as the cloud made the perception of everything gray and unappealing.
So there I was, knocking about on a Sunday afternoon, looking for the next best “hit” of something that would break the black cloud’s hold and in it drifted, the thought building into a storyline — “You know, you could get back together with your ex. There were a lot of fun times, and he really loved you and well, you’re not feeling that right now and wouldn’t that feel good?”
Yep, that’s how conditioning gets me -- it uses a bit of truth and stays with that in the first volley. It was true, my ex and I had had some good times. And I do believe he loved me -- and I really, really, really did want to feel good.
I started to entertain the validity of these statements, and suddenly, I saw it. I saw what conditioning was doing. It had waited until I was in a vulnerable situation, made sure I was locked into a bunch of other “lightweight” stories of same old, same old, nothing happening that’s fun or exciting, this is so boring, “I” hate Sunday afternoons. Ego had, I project, patiently waited for the ground to be ripe for tilling. And I was close to buying it, until I saw it.
What dropped in then was it is times like these we practice for. What became so clear in that instant of recognizing the ploy was that all during the funk, I had been practicing awareness. Every slog (ego’s perception) through each practice tool was done with awareness, only I had been looking to conditioned mind to see if it was working and neglecting the fact that I was watching it all happen. I was present to the funk.
Which, in the end, is what gave me the chance to see this story about reconnecting with my ex for what it was. Having been tortured by it, some days more than others, ever since breaking up almost two years ago, now I saw HOW and WHEN it appeared. Talk about kicking a person when she is down! It turns out, the story is most believable when I’m in a funk, and in that way, primed to believe re-engaging with someone I had consciously severed ties with, for healthy reasons, would be “good.” Seeing the connection between the two broke the spell of the story. I just couldn’t believe it again.
And, as a bonus, I found gratitude for the funk! If I hadn’t been in that funk, I wouldn’t have seen the story so clearly as a way to drive me further into conditioning’s clutches (and end up in full-on depression as I had experienced much of my life). Perhaps conditioning overplayed its hand; or perhaps, practice works even when it doesn’t immediately appear to be working.
While I can’t say I’m rooting for another round of funk, it is true that I am willing to be in it with all the awareness and compassion that is available and that I am committed to keep practicing through it, not because practice will get me out of it, rather, because I know now, always, there will be something for me to see, and when I do, I can celebrate that conditioning will have one less bamboozle with which to con me.
Gassho
Beth