For weeks, the monks have been clearing out wood, tiles, and other outdoor materials to prepare the Monastery for having a new steward. We take care not to harm the creatures that are displaced, among them scorpions which, in my experience, evoke immediate fear. At least they used to.
At the beginning of our clearing-out project, even while wearing gloved hands, seeing a scorpion elicited an involuntary flinch, gasp, or small shriek. I noticed that after encountering lots of scorpions, the experience became less fraught with fear and even took on a playful tone. The little creatures went from being seen as a threat to actually being kind of cute. When their “cover” was lifted, they would spin around in a circle several times and then abruptly stop. Occasionally, they would raise their tail/stinger menacingly and wave it in the air. Instead of a gasp, they would be met with a smile and a sympathetic message, “I know, I know. Sorry about the disruption, but you’re going to be fine. Let’s just get you over here in these leaves where you can go back into hiding.” No fear, just care.
It seems that so much of monastic life, and Awareness Practice in general, is just like that. Whether it’s having an itch in meditation, “getting a note” on the Message Board, learning to chainsaw, erecting a fence, or even enduring a familiar attack of self-hate, there can be fear, discomfort, and trepidation at first. But as we practice showing up and staying present, the fear turns into curiosity and eventually to enthusiasm.
That transformation can happen so gradually it goes unnoticed. Soon after my first retreat at the Monastery I implemented the “Bug Bus” system back home with my family. I would capture spiders within the safety of an empty peanut butter jar and carry them outdoors. It was many years later that I suddenly realized I was no longer afraid of spiders.
Recently, a peace quote came through that beautifully captured this experience:
When we are willing to stay even a moment with uncomfortable energy, we gradually learn not to fear it.
- Pema Chodron
Through Awareness Practice, that is exactly what has happened for me with spiders, scorpions, and so many internal ego processes. The transformation of fear into love by way of willingness is one of the most glorious outcomes of seeing everything as the Buddha.
Gasshō,
Rebecca