Most of us practicing awareness enjoy those “ah ha” moments in which something that’s been eluding us comes together. These don’t need to be earth shaking to give us a warm glow of pleasure and satisfaction. Practice works; these moments of insight are proof of it.
Then there is a flash of clarity that, were it an actual earthquake, would come in at about an 11 on the Richter scale. All the parts of our world are thrown up in the air and the pieces don’t come down in the same configuration. There is a rush of searing clarity. If we can make a sound at all, we’re usually whispering, “oh, my god,” as the little mind tries to wrap around what the big mind just delivered.
That scramble to make sense of what cannot be made sense of is just the opening egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate needs to get a “well but” in the mix. Soon the awe is sliding into trying to figure it out, the wonder has morphed into possible applications, and conditioned mind is on the path to turn something marvelous into something miserable.
The movement may start out fairly neutral: Wow, that sure makes sense out of a lot of stuff you’ve struggled with. Possibly followed by: Too bad you didn’t realize this sooner. Which creates a perfect opening for: So, all that stuff that’s been such a mess wouldn’t have been if you’d seen this before. Now we’re ready for: Well, all that suffering is your fault; you’re the one who didn’t get it and just kept fouling up everything. As we practice this can become more subtle, but it all comes down to the same thing: a life-changing, karma-ending, suffering-eradicating insight has been consigned to the Really Important Stuff You’ve Screwed Up list. Instead of being elated at the transformational awareness, we’re left feeling bad and guilty, busily assisting ego to cover over the portal to freedom Life has just opened for us.
Moral of this story? Always be grateful for every awareness. If the awareness reveals a belief, an assumption, or another of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s tricks, be even more grateful. Embrace the insight and never give it a second thought.
The aperture will remain open and the lights will stay on!
In gassho,
ch