I was recently asked, “What is grieving like?”, by someone who heard that my partner had just died. I was stumped. I sensed that ego would have me leave my expanded awareness of “Just this” to go up into my head and noodle something that I was so freshly experiencing. I did not take the bait. How could I explain something that needs to be directly experienced? I remained in my heart and said, “I don’t know.”
I currently feel I am in a different place and time. There is my own body and well-being to care for, there are legalities to attend to, people to inform, rituals to create and it is all just unfolding one breath at a time without any urgency. There is no worry about needing to know anything. There is so much trust that I am adequate. And why is this so? It is because of the gift of Practice. It began as a seed I was given years ago. Daily I cultivate it. Perhaps that is the secret. I do the practices -- virtual meditation, the Open Air radio show, workshops, the Yearlong Retreat, and Recording and Listening whether I feel like it or not. Over and over again Practice is there when I need it. Our Sangha has every opportunity to wake up and end suffering together.
I have been deeply aware of time standing still. This is what I have been practicing for. Being present to the great mystery of things. And still, I am aware and being present to new steps that need to be taken. There are simply no regrets when I show up and do my best. Compassion pervades in the present moment. The love of my life is not lost. Nothing is lost. Everything I need is here in the present moment.
“Not trying to go faster or slower,
be still,
and let go.”
~ Sosan’s Hsin Hsin Ming
Gasshō
Janice