In the recent past, the Reflective Listening Buddies program added a guideline encouraging full reflection on RLB calls, and self-hate pounced. Ego had always been critical of the way I reflected my buddy on calls, but this guideline intensified the angst, frustration, and trepidation I experienced. The problem was remembering enough of what my buddy said in order to reflect “fully.” I was told by ego that I was a failure, there was something wrong with me because I could remember, at most, one sentence of what my buddy said. I was listening to my buddy. I was really trying. But I couldn’t remember and the beatings were painful.
For months, I sat with this, used the Practice tools, talked to the Mentor, and spoke about my experience on the program support calls. Guidance I received over and over was along the lines of: “There is nothing wrong. This is Awareness Practice. Show up for the calls and do your best. You are OK no matter how you reflect.” Still, my experience didn’t change. I couldn’t reflect the way I was “supposed to” and I dreaded the calls. I was stuck in mental and emotional hell.
A few weeks ago, I was looking at this and wondering why, in view of all the guidance about nothing being wrong – guidance I KNEW to be absolutely true –the self-hating process was still dogging me. And then a gift in the form of a question presented itself: “Who is clinging?” And it dawned: Of course, someone/something is clinging to self-hate. Someone who is addicted to being a failure. A victim. Ego. With this realization, self-hate’s grip loosened. It became clear that my practice was no longer trying to be “good” at full reflection, but rather NOT indulging the beatings, no more conversation with conditioned mind about RLB.
In the last few calls, I have declined the hateful reviews and have practiced expanded awareness while listening, reflecting and speaking. Aware of the breath. Aware of my surroundings. Aware of what my buddy is saying. Reflecting what I can. That’s all.
Now, on to the next recurrent, self-hating process, armed with the question: “Who is clinging?”
Gassho
Kathryn