Enneagram Class 4

CLASS 4 FINAL

Pursuit what is absent: fufilled states in some aspects of Life and not others, Job/Intimate relationship, belief there is something wrong.  It does stop me from receiving what is - re-direct attention, and slippery - re-direction of what is and feels like it can be avoiding what is.  R/L

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We are only ever re-directing attention from the conversation in conditioned mind. The conversation in conditioned mind is NEVER what is. When we re-direct attention from ego to thisherenow, the Intelligence animating “us” has a chance to inform us. Attending to that conversation with ego is what keeps us from being with what is. Gassho

 

I have spent my whole life learning new skills, thinking the next one will be the thing, it will satisfy. The next thing will make me happy. Ego has bamboozled me long enough. I love to learn. I love life. There is nothing missing. I can relax and Participate R/L

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Well done! This thing NOW is what’s making you happy, right? As we like to say it, “the process is the outcome.”  You’re loving what you’re learning right now, and that’s what’s making you happy! Loving Life makes us happy, whatever we’re doing. So much easier, isn’t it? Gassho

 

I recognize desires to be different rather than ordinary, and “grass is greener elsewhere” process, similar to needing to prove myself to the world to be acceptable. Makes it easy to miss what's here now, the gifts, the joy. Having an experience of sangha/no self/judge not. We're in this together. R/L

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Yep, and realizing we are all “cells in the body of the Buddha” or that “nothing is outside the presence of God” allows us to relax into the Unconditional. That’s where we receive the gifts and feel the joy, isn’t it? Gassho

 

There is longing for sexual intimacy that I project is possible and available to others, but lacking in my marriage, coupled with story about my lack of desire.  It seems to take “too much effort” to communicate needs to partner, and so I settle for platonic relationship and dissatisfaction. 

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Hmm…. Sounds like it’s time for a heart-to-heart with the Mentor. Got a recorder? Those conversations with the Mentor will assist you to see just what a bamboozle you’re falling for. “I want X, but making X happen is too much effort, and besides I don’t want it that much so I’ll just not make any effort and blame other people.” Heaven for ego! Gassho

 

Notice ego saying I am not that type so no need to look at it, making arguments that "ego" is fine how she is.  Or that type is like my sister/other person, not me.  Then the confusion fog.  Ego is a controlling machine.  Being HERE is the off switch.  R/L

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Yes, indeedy. You know the expression, “confusion is what happens when we look to conditioned mind for clarity?” That’s the one you’re falling for. Looking to conditioned mind for information about who we are and what we need to do is definitely NOT awareness practice, is it? You are so correct: Ego is a controlling machine and being Here is the off switch. Gassho

 

Currently experiencing four-ness as "missing out on life." Life circumstances have offerred caregiving role and it's good to remember that there's a choice to do the work wholeheartedly with happiness and compassionate heart.  From that place, there's no such thing as missing out on anything! R/L

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Exactly! When we’re HERE it’s obvious that “missing out” is not possible. How can we miss out when we are at one with All That Is? Well done! Gassho

 

"Fours are often melancholic and their longing feels bittersweet. They yearn for a deep connection where they will be met emotionally". Wow, does that hit home! That's exactly what "I" am experiencing right now! So powerful! Stepping back, the Mentor says, "You know the love is right here"!

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What we can learn to “long for” is the wisdom and compassion, the unconditional love, that is “embodied” in the Mentor. Right? If we’re going to long for something, let’s long for presence! Now that’s powerful! Gassho

 

"Don't think of myself as having four tendencies, although I used to as a younger woman. Now, it's much more subtle; a small disappointment, an occasional bit of longing for what isn't. I think awareness practice has shown me the value of enjoying and appreciating what is before me. R/L

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Yes, awareness practice does show us the value—and just plain good sense—of enjoying and appreciating what’s before us—given that’s all that’s “real.” What we want to continue with our awareness practice, as you point out, is being present enough to see the subtle ways ego is keeping a foot in the door. We want to see it wherever it’s holding on and cut it loose. Gassho

 

Believing that people won’t understand me and what I’ve been through, believing that I’m special that way, I don’t expect to be understood. I have ample evidence from childhood supporting this belief. If I get stuck in this belief, I miss connections that might be possible. R/L

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Most of us have “ample evidence” from childhood that can be used to “support the beliefs” that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate uses to control a human life. As grownups, we learn to value the wisdom offered by St. Francis and choose to “understand rather than to be understood,” yes? In this way we don’t miss out on the connections Life offers us. Gassho

 

When identified with "the grass is always greener next door" I'm on an eternal quest for something "better" failing to recognize the green grass below my feet.   Upon closer examination, what's revealed is a belief of unworthiness; that I must do something to earn its pleasure.  R/L

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That “belief in unworthiness” is one egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is desperate for you to continue an unexamined acceptance of, isn’t it? Too bad. You’re now examining what’s been going on in your life closer, and the crapola is being revealed. It is true, though, isn’t it, that we must “do something” in order to receive the pleasure—we must choose to drop the crapola and be present for the pleasure.  We’re okay with that, huh? Gassho

 

I’ve lived in wistfulness, separation, melancholy, acquisitiveness for as long as I can remember.  Get something/one, it’s not enough.  “It” lurks beyond the horizon and will appear “tomorrow.”  Deep inner joy, peace, connectedness and affection go unheeded.  Practice:  smile at, breathe what is and flow into consciousness and gratitude. 

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Stated another way, you re-direct attention from egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s bogus bull hockey and direct attention to thisherenow. What is thisherenow? It’s what is, it’s Life unfolding, it’s consciousness and gratitude. Very good! Gassho

 

That "something essential that's missing" is my healthy back. When the back pain is there, it creates not only physical pain, but emotional drama, upset, and despair. When the back pain is gone, like now, conditioning does not celebrate - it just moves onto the next problem. R/L. Gassho

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That is how ego operates. I think you’re saying that ego wants you to believe a healthy back is “something essential that’s missing,” and you’re realizing the story is a scam, true? For most human beings there will be physical pain at some times, perhaps many times, in life, but the emotional drama, upset, and despair are what ego adds, the part that’s not a requirement. As a favorite book title proclaims, Pain Is Inevitable; Suffering Is Optional. Seeing through the hoax, we are freed up to give all attention to breaking the grip ego has on the human being. Gassho

 

I completely manifest the 4 Romantic type. Always yearning for someone or something, so that I will feel complete. This is exactly what egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate tells me and keeps me in it's grasp. Awareness practice is so wonderfully helpful in getting me to pay attention again and again, and free myself from ego's grip.

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I was just having that conversation with your neighbor! Yes, the story is to keep us in bondage to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, NOT to get us what we yearn for. No ego story will ever deliver what it promises—it can’t. (One process does not lead to another, right?) And, yes, it is an again and again process. Blessedly, being present with Life is joyful! Coming home to the place we love above all else is just not a hardship. Gassho

 

 

CLASS 4 FINAL

I've associated certain sensations with the qualities of 4: ""butterflies in the stomach"" mean there is something wrong with the moment. I need to pursue something¦ else. The sensation reminds me to get out of the head and be here. R/L

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It’s very helpful, isn’t it, to be able to turn signals of “something wrong” into signals of “time to get HERE.” This is one very clear way to see there really is nothing wrong. Even conditioned messages of “something wrong” will bring us back to thisherenow. It’s all working for our good! Gassho

 

As a Four, found an instant shift to gratitude place from a Four place (through R/L). Was amazed how gratitude is just here. I experience generosity (feelings) internally. Yet conditioning is telling me that the reality of the situation is going to the opposite way (lack/4). R/L

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I know! Isn’t that fascinating? You’re having the experience of gratitude and generosity as the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are lying to you! Easy to see why folks who want to end suffering pound so hard on that drum of “gotta get out of the conversation in conditioned mind,” huh?  Gassho

 

Really relate to the push-pull pattern. After a few trips on that merry-go-round, it feels preferable to just stay in the daydream/fantasy; sidestep disappointing realities. But avoiding the lows means avoiding the highs too. Cravings for intensity/aliveness push ego to re-board for another merry-go-round push-pull cycle. R/L

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Au contraire! Ego is always eager to re-board for another merry-go-round push-pull cycle. Ego talks you into “sidestepping disappointing realities,” which translates into ego is your only full-time intimate relationship, and when that ceases to produce the juice ego needs, you’re encouraged to get onboard again. Do that until the juice ceases and retreat. You may think, because you’re being told, that you have an intimate relationship with another human being, but that one is finishing a poor second to the primary one with ego. Gassho

 

Seeing that longing/desiring is "what you practice is what you have". If I’m practicing desiring, what I'll have is desiring, not fulfillment or happiness or love.  We are also distracted from questioning original premise, ”I'm defective”, which is the source, it seems, of desiring something other than presence. R/L

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That would be a very large B I N G O! Yes, indeed, give attention to desiring, practice desiring, and desiring is what you have. Period. And, yes, again, that whole process is meant to keep you from noticing it’s based on a foundation of hooey. Are you defective? NOT A CHANCE! Gassho

 

I grew up believing I was ”special.” I waited for special things to happen to/for me. I hoped someone, something would recognize it and celebrate ”me.” This kept me focused on the external, and unable to experience Life uniquely expressing itself through me, well, until now! R/L lots!

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Now you get to realize you’ve been right all along—you are special. You just didn’t know until quite recently that you are the “someone” who would recognize and celebrate “you.” It’s the best, isn’t it? Only you will ever know what is a perfect celebration for you. You can be open to others realizing how special you are, but they won’t be burdened with trying to convince you how special you are. You already know! Gassho

 

I’m participating by writing in even though, unlike with Types 1-3, I haven’t yet been able to see how the Romantic shows up in me. Hmm, perhaps a tip-off that I have a blind spot, and that it would be good to continue looking? Will do! Gassho

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Oooohhh, very good! That is the spirit of inquiry that produces enlightening results! (You do R/L, don’t you?) Gassho

 

The trap of longing, but can’t have.”Different/ unloveable”. Bought it for a lifetime! This story wrapped it’s tentacles very early on. What a waste of time. Seeing it helps, but it feels like a long journey out. Re-directing attention to the mentor, one step a time. R/L.

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Nay, nay! It’s not a “long journey out.” You’re already out! You’ve seen it. Now you get to practice enjoying it! That “long journey out” crapola is ego’s desperate attempt to keep you looking to it to see how you’re doing. Don’t do that! Look to the Mentor for the confirmation that you’re where you’ve wanted to be—HERE. Gassho

 

Voice: where is my guru? If I were really worthy one would appear to guide me. I just need to work harder, be smarter, meditate more. Like Dharma. Other people have it drop from the sky but I have to work to make it happen and then continually question it.

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Here’s a big hint for you: Ego doesn’t WANT a guru, and that’s what’s been doing the looking! Do you know what codswallop is? What you wrote is a load of that. Drop that “poor me” song and dance, start practicing, and who knows what might drop in. Gassho

 

I'm a died-in-the-wool 4. 4-ness has kept me chasing the most perfect meaningful experience, romance, religion, environment, culture, etcetera for as long as I can remember. It has exhausted my resources. Finding stillness in exhaustion and in not believing there's anyplace better than here.

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There is, in fact, no place like HERE. But most people won’t accept that until exhausting all other options. It’s just how we are! Perhaps that’s so we’ll be ready to let go and relax into thisherenow when we finally arrive? Gassho

 

By growing up in abandonment and deprivation, someone or something was always missing. Other families had it and ego says that "they" still do. Gratitude brings me back to here that life is abundant and my husband, kids, and I are safe. It's good enough. R/L.

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In fact, it’s GREAT, isn’t it? I’m guessing you’re able to see at this juncture that “they” don’t “have” anything you don’t have, and actually most have a lot less. You know you are living in abundance. You have a family you love, and you’re all safe and well. You kind of “have it all,” don’t you? Time for a heartfelt “THANK YOU,” yes? Gassho

 

 

 

Relate to 4’s longing for deep fulfilling experience that ego projects others have and I don’t. It has some material that hooks me about being “different” or why I’m single. It’s a lot to go up against for us all. Thankful for the truly fulfilling experiences that come through awareness-practice. R/L

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Yes, I know what you mean. The way ego conflates longing/different/single is a real coup for it. You’re single. You wouldn’t have to be. Everyone could find someone to be with if they didn’t want to be single. Right? Oh, but I don’t want to be with just anyone, cries ego. I want to be with… the person who is not on offer. Of course ego would never state it that way, but that’s the way it works out. Perfectly fine person comes along and the list of what’s missing from and what’s wrong with that person starts to grow. And we’re seeing it! Gassho

 

While traveling on vacation, conditioning leads me to notice some unusual landmark, and then reflect on how quickly the next 2 weeks will pass and how I'll notice this landmark on the way back to remind myself how fleeting the vacation was, even though I so looked forward to it. R/L

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Oh, that conditioned mind; ever the wet blanket! It can ruin the past, the present, and the future if we let it. I sense from what you’ve written that you’re not going to let that happen, true? If we’re not paying attention, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will rob us of a whole lifetime in that very way. Great catch. Gassho

 

It's a type that seems, for me anyhow, to be fed by watching movies/tv/media.  With awareness practice I've been able to see how much influence it had on my perspective on life, love and family.  Mainstream media became to be an ego conditioning machine. 

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Uh huh. It’s a loop, isn’t it? We buy into conditioned beliefs, we look out through those conditioned beliefs at the world, what we see confirms those conditioned beliefs, we believe the conditioned beliefs are reality…. When identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we see what we believe. That argues for a lengthy break from cultural influences, doesn’t it? Oh, but you need to know what’s going on in the world, ego screams. Really? Do we really need to know what’s going on in the world of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate? Haven’t we been “knowing” that for most of our lives? How about the “alternative” ego manages to keep us from being aware of? Let’s explore that, shall we?  Gassho

 

Enneatype Four characteristics have manifested in “feeling different than”  sometimes better than, sometimes less than. Four has also presented as “longing for a deep emotional connection,” and/or a longing for something missing. Longing for something I believe I don’t have can prevent acknowledging/appreciating the many blessings actually present. R/L

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Which is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s hope and point, isn’t it? Get the human being to wander around in this imaginary world of different/better/less than/missing, and that human being may never catch on to the fact that s/he is missing out on Life! This whole process raises the question, “How do you know that?” First we need to get very clear about the feelings and meanings that remain unexamined. We put them under the microscope of conscious awareness, see them for what they are—fiction—and then we’re ready to drop them. Asking “How do you know that?” confronts the unconscious assumptions ego uses to bamboozle.  Gassho

 

Egocentric karmic conditioning /self-hate wakes me up and sounds the alarm...what is missing from your life today?  It gets what it wants but is still unsatisfied.  The Mentor says, "It's all RIGHT HERE for you to enjoy!" Oh hallelujah! The bamboozle has been revealed! R/L

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You reveal an essential point: Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will NEVER be satisfied. It is a system of dissatisfaction. A person falls for the scam that giving the voices what they say they want will satisfy them and get them to shut up. It will get them to shut up about that. It will not prevent them from starting to yammer about the next thing they want. Wanting/desire is the root cause of suffering because it requires a self that is separate from Life to want something that isn’t. That’s what ego is. That’s what ego does. Once we see that, we know dropping it is our direction. It will never change, and it cannot give us a single thing we want. It’s a lying “taker.” Give it the old “hot potato” treatment.  Gassho

 

I see how melancholic I have been along my life. My girlfriend says I have “sad eyes”. There has been a lot of push and pull in my love relations and professional career. I feel a constant emptyness and nostalgy. I stopped fighting. Now living with that.

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You’ve just said, “I can see that I suffer, and so I’m not going to fight suffering, I’m just going to suffer.” Really? That’s what you want to do? That’s too bad because suffering is certainly not a requirement. Gassho

 

As a 4, I know this story well, chiefly from past romantic relationships. Always sought special partners to fill my special emptiness. Idealized them until they demonstrated “flaws”; none were as “deep” as I. Huge bamboozle! Now seeing I’m ordinary, and that’s fine, frees partner to be ordinary too. R/L

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Talk about relaxing, huh? For everybody. My teacher called what you describe “being a social relief.” We get it that we’re as ordinarily special as every other human being, and we can stop believing we have to be the only center of the universe. Ahhhh…..    Gassho

 

I was a classic Four in my 30's but now it doesn't resonate at all.  I embrace the ordinary-- my garden, my cats, dinner at home.  I avoid intense emotions most of the time.  Maybe it's part of getting older, maybe I got lucky in love (20+ yrs together).

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A couple of points you might wish to explore: The tendency to “own,” (gardens, cats, etc.) gives ego a place to cling that can cruise along below the radar, and “avoiding” anything puts us in a relationship of vulnerability (vulnerable to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate), that we might not want to foster. Gassho

 

Conversation: there isn’t enough time to work on a side project that lead to freedom and flexibility to do what I want in life. And that “it’s too hard” to do side project along with my fulltime job. This leads to suffering and no action towards doing the side project.

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So you’re seeing in that the tragic longing of the Enneatype 4? You “really want to,” but it’s “just too hard”? That’s the kind of insight that can free up the energy required to “get on.” Gassho

 

Omg.  I'm a 4 too!  Doing this class is like tracing all my karmic "branches" back to their limbs; each limb's growing off the egocentrickarmicconditioned/self-hating trunk.  The benefit of tracing back is seeing, "yep this is ego too." Or rather, "No, I'm not that either."  Gassho.  R/L

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Very helpful in disidentifying, isn’t it? Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate wants to pigeonhole us. “You’re that and that and that, but you’re certainly NOT like that.” Well, it turns out we actually ARE like that, and like everything else too! Fun, huh? Gassho

 

There has got to be something better out there.  Egocentric karmic conditioning self hate has held me hostage to the "when this then that" and all will be shangri-la.    There is nothing more important to attend to out there than here in my heart.   Fifty pairs so shoes, two feet and counting. 

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Getting HERE and staying HERE is a full-time job, isn’t it? As soon as we realize everything we want is to be found HERE, our commitment gets mighty strong, doesn’t it? We may waver in our ability in any given moment, but we never waver in our commitment. The “better” is HERE, and we’re closing in on it. Blessedly, the pursuit itself is the joy we’re seeing. True? Gassho

 

The definition of romantic was not expected, but cut directly to the core of my suffering.  Suffering because something is missing or broken and living in the past or future.  It is a practice to identify romanticism in “this/here/now” with self, Sangha and this group knowing the common thread. R/L

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Very good! We have to first get that “glimpse” of what our identification with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has kept us from seeing. “Ah, yes, romanticism. I can see that’s what’s been going on.” Now we’re ready to start watching for how that orientation is manifesting throughout our life. And it is, isn’t it? We start to see it everywhere! How the heck did I miss that before? You’re on it. (No need for the /s in thisherenow. It’s written as one word because it’s one thing. When language as it is doesn’t serve, we must change the language.) Gassho

 

The Enneatype 4 process of "something missing" is familiar when dealing with content that conditioned mind finds unacceptable.  If only that missing piece (finding the answer) can be accomplished all will be well, the story goes.  Not so.  It's a major distraction from truly being with what is!  R/L

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Great insight! We’ve all seen it time and time again; egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate promises that if we go along with it we’ll get everything we want. Has never happened, is never gonna happen. And, yes, the whole point of the hoax is to distract a person from being present with Life.  Not anymore! Gassho

 

The story that “I’m not getting it, and other people are; what am I missing?” has caused me to doubt and second-guess myself, a form of self-hatred. It distracts me from receiving the wisdom of Life that is showing up in each moment. R/L

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Exactly! Your neighbor and I were just discussing that. We’re conditioned not to question the story! We hear, “You’re not getting it” followed by “What am I missing?” and we’re trained to assume what we’re hearing is true. It isn’t, is it? Not a bit. So now we’re going to show up, as best we can, for the wisdom of Life that’s showing up in each moment. Way better. Gassho

 

At first identified less (note comparing) with Type Four. “Finally” (noted voice) after releasing many voices was able to record and saw “I” think everyone else but me has the “answer” and other’s Practices are better. Released and let go of all of it. R/L Gassho

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We keep looking and we get to see! Usually, the first information folks receive is from egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. “Nope, you’re not like that.” As practitioners we’ve learned we need to dig deeper, stay open, see what’s under what we just saw. We’re not in a hurry; we’re seeking clarity. We let go what we’ve seen, and the opening is created for seeing the next layer. Gassho

 

A BIG piece of the puzzle for me! Attention on ‘better to be different’, ‘fictional future-something/someone is better just around the corner!’ Now process is unconditional love for self/others and allowing relationships to just Be instead of ‘missing-out, something’s wrong, fairy-tale true love’. R/L

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It sounds as if you can see those tendencies, and recognizing them for what they are, ego bamboozles in the making, you’re able to drop them and get to thisherenow. Makes a person grateful for practice, doesn’t it? Gassho

 

I find that when I’m identified with a story, just about anyone, “I” am longing to be understood. Something feels missing and there is some chase to fill the hole. When I’m not identified, I feel deeply connected, I have everything I need and the world feels wondrous. R/L

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Identified with ego/disidentified and present. In the dark room/ in the Light Room. Something wrong/something missing or nothing wrong/nothing lacking. Those are our constant choices, aren’t they? It can seem as if HERE is the opposite of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, but it isn’t. HERE contains egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, and when we’re HERE we are no longer concerned about what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is up to. We practice because without the ability to be undistracted and present, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate can drag a person off into suffering for a very long time. Gassho

 

Oh dear, even at this moment noticing that old karmic push pull pattern that has created ever so much suffering in this life. Time to pick up recorder, have a 2 handed conversation with Mentor, and move to the clear and true guidance of Life. R/L Gassho

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We see it, we recognize it, we choose presence. There’s an approach to life, a practice, we can all participate in. The requirement of course is to get clear enough about the karmic tendencies that we recognize them as “old karma.” Gassho

 

"Other people Get to have that which I long for but just can't have because I am so different (ie broken)" - this is egocentrickarmicconditioning's favorite narrative when it comes to romantic/ intimate partnerships!

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And you don’t indulge it how? I don’t see an R/L after your submission…. Time to change channels and create/hear a different narrative? Gassho

 

I value contentment and a quiet life yet the voices in my head tell that I am missing something. First it was a big career, then world travel now it's a relationship. Craving intense connection pulls me off center and ultimately fails to satisfy. R/L

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Uh huh. Craving does indeed do that. Doesn’t actually matter “what” the craving is for, it’s the craving itself that is the loss of presence we suffer from. That “craving intense connection” is giving you a real clue though. The intense connection you’re craving is with you…. Yeah? Gassho

 

The romantic - I recognize it well from my early spiritual-seeking days.  It’s become much more muted and subtle.  I saw it in action through dissatisfaction with the moment and the fantasy that there was a magical missing ingredient that would make the moment whole. Very helpful to see.  R/L

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You’re seeing that there is a “magical missing ingredient” that makes a moment whole, right? You. “You” are the magical missing ingredient. Anytime a moment “isn’t whole,” we can know the “reason” is that we weren’t there for it. Gassho

 

I tend to have one foot out the door, anywhere better than here.  Egocentric karmic conditioning shouts that I deserve more than what Life has dealt me: in marriage, offspring, employment, friends, audience response to performances.you name it, I have been cheated. I recognize the voice of my mother in this experience.R/L

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No, no, no, no, no. THAT is the voice of ego. “I” have been cheated shouts ego. “I” deserve more, more, more! “Why is that, ego?” we may ask. “What makes you so special and deserving?” Silence. We’re not supposed to question the premise—or the complaining voice. We’re just supposed to know it’s true and attempt to make it up to ego for having suffered through this travesty. Good to see it for what it is, isn’t it? Time to let Mom off the hook! Gassho

 

I craved connection with G so intensely when we first met. Conditioning wanted me to crawl inside his being.  10 years in, the bond feels diluted as that drive has subsided.  I feel less concerned about the intensity of the bond. Feelings don't dictate so much. Family is everything.

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I bet you’ve noticed that all “love stories” end with the two lovers finally having overcome the obstacles that would have prevented them from living happily ever after. The final scene fades, leaving us with an unexamined assumption that they did in fact live happily ever after. That fiction prevails because of everyone who has ever felt insane passion for another human being, and dreamed of that passion living forever. As you’ve also noticed, time takes a toll on passion. This is why most people just replace the old dying flame with a new burning bright flame—and repeat the process until they no longer can. This is a great description of suffering maintained. Here’s what I ask you to consider: “Family is everything” can be the same process with different content. Gassho

 

I'm a 1, but conditioning tortures me with unrequited love--perfect setup for going back and forth between wanting and not wanting--ending in disappointment. I see how this romantic idealism (4 + 1) keeps me “special” and out of the present, where I may find an actual partner. R/L

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I was hoping this class would put a kibosh on the tendency to identify oneself as the fixation one is not, i.e. “I’m a 1.” What you’re seeing here supports my hope! You can see how the tendencies of an Enneatype 1 can combine with other Enneatypes, in this case Enneatype 4, to maintain a karmically conditioned identity. If you were just seeing yourself through the lens of the Enneatype 1, you would have been hard pressed to find this clarity. See what I mean? Now perhaps you will say something along the lines of, “I’m actually all Enneatypes, depending on the time of day you catch me.” Much more accurate, yes?  Gassho

 

Preferring longing/disappointment over settling for "less" can only survive if I collude with egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate in believing that what life offers is "less". Less than what? I'm being showered with life's abundance and I'm supposed to choose a fairy tale instead? Thisherenow, I choose life. R/L Gassho

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Well done! It is possible for us to stop, turn around, and look egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate right in the eye (imagining it has one!) and say, “What?” “What are you telling me?” “What is all this mopping around, longing and disappointed, going to give me that recognizing how Life is showering me with abundance is not going to give me?” “Answer me that, whiny voice!” HA! Gassho

 

Focus on whats missing keeps distracting into future or past not here/now. Here and now is everything that is needed.

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Yes, it is, and a Recording and Listening practice—that comes with a relationship with the wisdom, love, and compassion that animates ALL—will assist you not to be distracted from that clarity. Gassho

 

It shows up in a story that being different and special makes me a worthwhile person. From that perspective there is a belief that there is something about me that makes me worthwhile rather than acknowledging that I  part of all that is. Gassho R/L

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We can see in that the clear mark of a “self that is separate from Life,” can’t we? Ego MUST be separate from Life or it doesn’t exist. It can’t exist in the present so must drag human attention into an imaginary past or imaginary future to appear real. Why would we want to attend to a fake world when there’s this perfectly real one available to us? Well, in this real world we’re not different/special/more worthwhile. We’re just like everybody—God help us! Blessedly, we get tired enough of following ego around through suffering to realize we choose this real world, and glory of glories it turns out this real world of thisherenow IS everything we always wanted. Gassho

 

There's a longstanding story that I lack something essential to having strong friendships. Then I notice the amazing love and support that is here in my life. Curious how this fits with "no self and other". Mentor suggests being a good friend to myself. R/L Gassho

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When you’re “in” the love you feel for a friend, are you aware of that friend as “other”? Are you attending to, conscious of, a separation between you? Watch closely to see what your experience is before egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate gets in there to tell you what your experience is! And, yes, being a good friend to oneself does go a very long way toward being a good friend to all.  Gassho

 

Longterm chest ache seeing attractive person of certain (changing) type. Mistook as sexual desire. See now longing for what "they" have: good/not defective because meeting egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate standards. Loved seeing desire/reject/desire dynamic. Same process with job/house: have that (no that!) good thing and I'll be good. Practicing owning projection! R/L

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Owning projections—always a good practice, huh? That practice is crucial for us for a reason we don’t often see in the beginning. Owning projections has you looking at what conditioned mind is doing rather than through what conditioned mind is doing. See what I mean? It’s huge! We often talk about starting to look at what goes on inside our head as if someone were walking along beside us saying all the stuff happening in there. Imagine! We would certainly not be confused that “I’m thinking that. That’s me.” THAT is where we want to get to with the crapola going on inside our head. We need to get that “I’m NOT thinking that. That’s NOT me.” Gassho

 

I've been feeling caught in longing for a partner. I know it's a bogus story to keep me from love and fulfillment in thisherenow, but the story/sensations feel compelling. Probably an opportunity for practicing zero tolerance for that conversation and using the thoughts/sensations as flags to redirect attention. R/L

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Sure could be, AND, as with everything that comes our way, it can be an excellent opportunity to explore how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate does what it does to us. For instance, you don’t always feel that longing, do you? So, what sets it off? What’s going on with you when that conversation gets started? Are there sensations that trigger it? Is something different about your life currently that might have activated it? Like that. Not “figuring out,” just watching, just noticing. Then, yes, before ego can launch into another conversation, drop it and get HERE. Gassho

 

A major focus on what I don’t have. When I am single, I want to have a relationship. When in a relationship, I see all that is wrong and want something else. I have spent my life searching out there and have not found “it”. Gassho R/L

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Well, we could say you have found “it.” “It,” ego, has been looking for “it,” ego, and “you” have found that whole process to be bogus. That’s a lot to find, really, don’t you think? Now you know where to look, and, true gratitude here, you know how to look. True? Gassho

 

Having experienced takeovers by “what’s missing” for egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate, I see this could have destroyed treasured relationships if not for Zen awareness practice - choosing unconditional Love, owning projections, and getting that I don’t need to/don’t know anything! Grateful for loving Life, connections with natural world, and all beings. GasshoR/L.

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I wish we could put that on billboards around the world! It’s hardly a secret though, is it? The Buddha taught just 25 or so centuries ago that suffering happens, there’s a reason for that suffering, it’s possible to end suffering, and there’s a way to do it. We call that “way” awareness practice, don’t we? I do wish everyone could know ending suffering is not only possible, it’s also exciting and, before long, fun. Gassho

 

I am aware of the biting self-asking " what do I REALLY want" as if something  very valuable remained painstakingly out of focus, something that might be really ME. While the need to be recognized by others is big.

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No, not REALLY. The STORY that you have a need to be recognized by others is big. “Recognized by others” is not even a need! It’s something ego says it “needs” because that will make it seem real and important and something you have to do something about. It’s not even something ego wants. Ego just says it wants/needs that so you’ll feel bad and try to get it what it says it wants. All a great big pile of hooey. Ego hooey. Gassho

 

Conditioning uses fantasy against me. As a child, it was a way to escape real pain. But conditioning has figured out how to use it now to keep me from doing things that I want to do.The fantasy becomes a way to comfort conditioning and not really engage with Life. R/L

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And definitely NOT comfort you, right? It’s what’s enabling egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate to control your attention. This is where directing the attention becomes obviously a life and death skill. Your focus now will need to be to start cutting it off sooner and sooner. Each time you realize you’re in fantasy, drop it and bring attention to presence. Set alarms, tie twist ties on your fingers, make lots of recordings along the lines of “I choose not to indulge fantasy,” and listen to those recordings ALL THE TIME. Do the ones where you say, “I choose not to indulge fantasy,” then leave a break to repeat that, make the statement again, leave the break so there’s plenty of time to practice this—a twenty-minute recording would be ideal. If you can get it on loop, you can listen all night. It will make the difference.  Gassho

 

Living in the truth of perfection is vulnerable, because that would undermine the premise of this entire ego-state: that something is missing. Not managing my feelings of dis-ease by seeking that "something missing" leaves me with the terrifying truth that life is out of my control.

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Life is out of your control and that’s only terrifying for ego. The heart isn’t terrified. Authenticity isn’t terrified. Only the ego that is jerking you around and stealing your life force is vulnerable. Time to get really clear on who is who and what is what, okay? A human being is being robbed of Life in the pursuit of making an illusory ego feel safe. Gassho

 

Romantic -- The missing element is assuredness. This belief instills a behavior of having to know and needing to be right. Voices keep me occupied with knowing and being right and away from thisherenow, the only place assuredness exists. Mentor reminds me to return to thisherenow. R/L

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Can we ever say “thank you” often enough to the Mentor? And for that little recording apparatus that houses the Mentor? Where would we be without those? Oh, right. Where we used to be—suffering nonstop. Gassho

 

Believe happiness is somewhere else, outside of me.  If I live there, if I buy that, etc.,  then I'll be happy and feel loved. With practice, if I lived at the monastery then I would be enlightened. Of course I can't live at the monastery!  Gassho. R/L

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Right! Points us directly to one of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s favorite cons: Make the human believe that to be happy they need the one thing they can’t have, and then watch the human chase the impossible through a lifetime, suffering every step of the way. Vile, isn’t it? You can live at the Monastery of course…. Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate pursues different “its” but they never satisfy. This includes practice. “I” seeks the emotional high, but go to dark room when doesn’t last. Push/pull includes commitment to participating in practice opportunities, compartmentalization instead of integration, longing to understand why not getting it. Exhausting to plug away like this. R/L

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Well stop it! That’s not practice and you clearly know that. Don’t you? You certainly sound as if you do. I can assure you that is not awareness practice you’re “plugging away” at in that exhausting way. It’s ego indulgence. You know that, right? Gassho

 

Chronic ego habit, "if only I was more like..." creates feeling bad and distracts from nurturing/ growing that part in me. Can use as a signpost to get HERE, helping me be who I want to be (or not) from possibility, not should. Practice noticing & NOT feeding egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate's tactic. R/L

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Very good. You’re seeing that if you didn’t have the quality you’re recognizing in the other person, you wouldn’t see that quality in them, true? The assumption then is that you need to “grow” that way of being. But you don’t. You just need to turn attention to it. Give it attention and you’ll see it’s there in you, full grown! Gassho

 

Enjoyed a romantic marriage, however, it was when spouse died that I really got that appreciating what you have and being content was the key to real happiness, through tragedy that truth was revealed in depth, now, awareness practice the only way to contentment, sitting brings me home - it is essential. R/L

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Now you can have and appreciate a “romantic” relationship with you/Life, yes? What is the “way” to love? Presence. We’re HERE and love is all there is. We wish we could learn these “lessons” in a less painful way, but that choice is not ours, is it?  Gassho

 

I can relate to not appreciating the ordinary. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. Also, at times I feel like an artist in search of a medium. I have often thought, " I wish i could paint like that." I  have also has push-pull relationships.

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The “ordinary” is not appreciated by ego because there’s nothing to mirror the ego in the ordinary. When nothing is mirroring the ego, the ego doesn’t exist. Hence the ego’s devotion to drama, the more hysterical the better. The astonishing realization we have when ego is no longer running its histrionic show is that what’s here when ego isn’t is extraordinary beyond words. THAT’S what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is desperate for folks not to know! Gassho

 

See 4-ness most in ego’s resistance to simplicity of practice. HERE, All is cared for beautifully. But ego keeps asking ‘but, how about’ what about” only in an attempt to still be a special me who stands out from Life. SO clear not beneficial to human! R/L

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It’s kind of funny when we really see it, isn’t it? And, of course, it’s not funny at all that so many people, not seeing it, suffer so horribly. ‘Tis a huge relief not to be directed by its insatiable needs, isn’t it? Gassho

 

I see that the pursuit of "being the right person" and "having enough time" keep me out of presence where I enjoy the life I have. Something is missing and it's my fault.  This is another place where egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate does the set-up and beat-up.  Grateful for seeing. Gassho. R/L

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One of the great ironies—if that’s what that is. I give attention to the system that tells me I must be the right person and I don’t have enough time, and the very act of giving the attention to that system prevents me from being present where I enjoy the life I have. HERE I don’t need to be anybody other than who I am. HERE I have enough time. HERE I get to enjoy this beautiful life I’ve been given. So simple! Good to see. Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate finds “what’s wrong” with someone/something that’s important to me, gets me to withdraw/push it away, then gets me terrified that this person/thing is going to abandon/reject me, and scrambles to “test” it to make sure it’s not going away. Getting more distance on it with this class. Grateful. R/L

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Whew! Thank goodness, huh? It’s an ugly, ugly thing, and it’s wonderful to know it is not us and we are not it! Gassho

 

Long-standing pattern to think others "have" it: ability, generosity, sensitivity - and "I" do not.  Also pattern to have BIG dreams/goals, to get very excited, believing life will be wonderful when...  So: Intentionally focus on all I do "have" (Life's gifts) and on present moment.  It's a practice.  R/L

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It IS a practice. Moment by moment we choose to be HERE where gratitude and appreciation live. In each moment we don’t make that choice—for all the reasons ego fools us into buying into—we suffer from ego’s lies. It’s very simple, AND it IS a practice. Gassho

 

Seeing that this type is like default mode. I’m going along (unconsciously), suddenly there is a sensation. What does it mean? Ego supplies the story. I’m not like them. Or they have something I don’t. Practicing how I can use those stories as markers to come back to presence. R/L

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Excellent! That’s what we’re learning to do. We learn to use “against” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate what it has used against us. It uses a story to pull us into suffering; we use that same story to bring ourselves back here. It’s good, isn’t it? Powerful. Gassho

 

 

Resistance to recognizing this enneatype -stumped until I saw how nostalgic for, and focused on, the good health I used to take for granted. Pursuing/pining for it-- comparing. Every minute I spend attending those thoughts is one I’m prevented from receiving and enjoying what’s in front of me. R/L.

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You got it. That’s the con, isn’t it? The process of pining you’re describing is much like a process of guilt or regret. It’s a story in conditioned mind. It serves no purpose other than making a person feel bad and out of the present. That’s it. Nothing can be done. There are no action steps! Going over it one more time is not going to change a thing. But it does keep us stuck in suffering, doesn’t it? Gassho

 

Longing for something "missing", seeking "perfection" and romanticising the past are big karmic patterns for me. Practice has assisted enormously in seeing this how this process precludes presence and therefore the joy/ deep connection that I seek. Currently playing out in "need" to find perfect home. So good to catch! R/L

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That insight is essential for all of us to “get.” The process of focusing on what’s missing prevents us from having the very experience—the joy/deep connection we seek—that we would have if we were HERE rather than being fooled into believing it’s missing and we need to “go get it.” A really great catch! Gassho

 

"Something is missing" signals that I'm superior, and being happy signals I'm like everybody else, according to egocentrickarmicconditioning.  Being aware of this allows everything that IS here to manifest.  World opens and is spacious with possibility.  R/L

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That is horrifying, isn’t it? If anyone wonders if egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate truly is rotten, there’s some compelling evidence. For the person who doesn’t see that scam, being happy would be something to avoid! Good grief. As you’re pointing out, ego will do anything to get attention, and an unhappy person will give more attention to ego. Thanks for that. Gassho

 

My 4 theme is; “I can’t get a break”. Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate adds things up for me and I always come up short. I get bewildered and outraged; “Why me?”.  I can be aware of the bamboozle as it is happening and it still zings me. Very dramatic! Gassho

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Being aware of the bamboozle as it’s happening and still getting zinged is actually a very good place to be. What that says is that you’re watching the whole thing from awareness. That’s a powerful place in practice. You’re not so identified with ego or with the person being tortured that you don’t know it’s happening. As you continue to watch, you’ll recognize what’s coming, and the zing will no longer be a zinger. At that point you can yell “Gotcha” and get all the energy back for you! Gassho

 

Always looking at and lamenting the gap between what could be and what is.  Seeing process a dozen times a day; resulting melancholy has a comfortable familiarity. Hard to imagine being without it. R/L

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Well, the good news is that we can suffer for just as long as we want to. Gassho

 

I see the romantic process in my love life. There's a great relationship out there other than my current one.  It causes suffering and when  I Focus on love in the moment and details that "annoy" me fade.

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This is a great case for being HERE rather than following suffering stories around in the head, isn’t it? Can you see that “being somewhere else” process in what you sent in?  Gassho

 

Deep inside I do feel defective and an imposter, especially in the world of work, hoping not to be exposed as such.  Spend time looking externally for a father-figure, an unconditionally supportive and wise guide.  Oh, the mentor!  R/L

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You think? Sounds as if you’ve been around awareness practice long enough to know that those “defective and an imposter” feelings are not “deep inside.” Those feelings are as deep inside as a conversation in conditioned mind. As soon as you drop that conversation, those feelings will disappear. “Defective” and “imposter” are thoughts, not feelings. They’re labels. What causes what you’re feeling is the sensations in your body produced by that conversation. With me?  Gassho

 

Poster girl for Fours here!  Freedom in knowing  the "missing" story is a lie.  Spent 27 years in therapy and 20 years in Practice trying to heal "flaws" so I could be fulfilled (happy).   New Practice path: to have and receive what is here but  ego said was missing. R/L

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Excellent! Now you’re practicing, huh? It’s a miracle, isn’t it? Looking, looking, looking, following around a voice that says “not that,” and then in a moment we see! Everything we’ve been seeking has been right here—inside!—all along! We are truly blessed. Gassho

 

The 4 pattern in me came online in my teens when I first sensed the emptiness, longing inside me. I focused this longing on God and it has been driving me since. Wouldn't God want me to feel whole now? To be happy now? To stop running? R/L

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The question is, do you want that? If you want to feel whole, to be happy, to stop running, you certainly can. It’s not up to “God,” it’s up to you. Awareness practice can give you the “how,” but the “want to” is what you need to bring. Gassho

 

Even though I mostly define myself as happily single, the 4 in me has spent my whole life (partnered or single, mostly single), yearning for the partner who will really get me and complete me. Yet, my daily routines are so complex, there is not even room for any partner.

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Do you get you? What stops you from “completing” you? What would “completing” you look like? What does that even mean? Do you know? Gassho

 

I see 4 process in romantic relationships. Appreciate ˜unique’ identity because I don’t desire a partner. Pattern of having crush, becoming closer and then lose interest. With R/L see trap: being in a conversation/process of judging and distancing from others, i.e. Life. Encouragement to practice simply being present, without conversation.

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Umm… very good! Drop that conversation and see what happens. So many people are afraid to drop the ego because “who would I be?” Time to find out, huh? Gassho

 

 

 

Four is what I’ve thought I was…melancholic, there’s something wrong with me, something missing, people commenting I’m seeking something, Kept on trying to fill it with someone, something outside me. Since I’ve stopped trying to do what I think others need, feeling less so. It’s the love within me seeking?

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Let’s not go to “figuring it out,” okay? As you continue to watch the process, additional insights will drop in for you. That’s the great thing about awareness practice— the conditioned mind and the egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate that “fuels” it is not a requirement. We can practice being HERE, with the human being, present to what’s unfolding, and the clarity will become apparent for us. Gassho

 

This had my number so much that it ripped something apart. I am not special. What I hold as my ‘difference’ can be categorized simply. My egocentrickarmicconditioning/ self-hate connects with a collective egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate. Both are manmade systems -- you must release both. The drive of self-hate is the same drive for romance.

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You are definitely “on to it,” and my encouragement to you is the same as to your neighbor—beware of getting pulled up into conditioned mind to reach conclusions. As soon as we think we know, we stop paying attention, which is what ego is counting on! Don’t “own” the egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, please. It’s a system, not “yours” or “mine.” And, yes, it is an add-on, an overlay that we are predisposed to buy into. Keep watching! Gassho

 

Notice much energy/effort goes into being unique, standing out from the crowd. Some of this is fun, but often turns into a standard—and suffering. Life’s sufficiency gets equated with mediocrity and is to be avoided! Relaxing into the uniqueness of Life’s sufficiency, dropping the not-so-unique striving. R/L

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Great point! All egos are obsessed with being unique, special. People who don’t have a prayer of being “the worst” willingly listen to the stories in conditioned mind about how bad they are. Identified with ego, a person is the center of the universe! Children can be starving to death all around, but “my problems” and “how I’m the awful cause of those problems” is far more compelling than forgetting about “my ego” and pitching in to assist others. At this juncture, people identified with ego will start hearing self-hating voices saying things like, “See, you really are an awful, selfish person!” All part of the same bamboozle! Gassho

 

Hadn’t realized how much drama and longing were hovering in the background (and foreground). It’s freeing to spot them and practice turning my attention to the beauty and contentment of the moment. R/L Gassho

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It is freeing to drop whatever the voices in conditioned mind are on about, AND we don’t ever want to get lulled into believing that “because I know what’s happening I’m not vulnerable to it.” That’s what the ego-maintenance system is counting on. We see it, we get it, we nod off again. Very dangerous. Gassho

 

That others have what I long for makes me less than others; my exalted longing makes me better. Laughing at ego’s idea of a joke. What I want is here, always. “Better” and “less” are blinders to what’s already here, which is just what it is, perfect.

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Yes, that is so, AND I would encourage you never to believe ego is joking about anything. Ego has absolutely no sense of humor—or sense of anything else. Its focus always is on what’s going to give attention to “me.” Realizing all the Heart desires is presence is perfect, isn’t it? Gassho

 

In my singing, I want 100% freedom of expression and joy or else disappointment sets in. It's in my power to have that--why can't I? Feel that "my" self-hate is meaner and more stubborn than anyone else's and that the creativity it blocks will be too big to handle. R/L

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Oh, my. Where to begin? The very notion of “my” singing is already sliding down a slippery slope to suffering, and picking up speed. There’s no ownership of anything we’ve been given, and to believe there is courts disaster. “I want” takes that whole pursuit of misery to warp speed. “I want 100% freedom of expression and joy…” The question “who doesn’t?” springs immediately to mind. So, stated another way, “If I don’t get exactly what I want, I’m going to be disappointed.” Why will I be disappointed? Because it’s in my power, in my control, to have exactly whatever I want. Oh, my. I truly hope you can see what I’m pointing at. You are in a HUGE bamboozle. Major delusion. Is “your” self-hate meaner and more stubborn than anyone else’s? NO! Is the creativity it blocks too big to handle? NO! That is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate dishing up codswallop by the barrelful! Time to get into a long and focused conversation with the Mentor! Gassho

 

Exploring the question "Where am I now?" with Mentor and practicing complete acceptance. Looking to the past or future is set up for an egocentrickarmicconditioning takeover producing fear and/or disappointment. Total acceptance with who I am each moment opens up possibilities for life’s guidance on my spiritual journey. R/L

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Not sure what this has to do with the assignment. That said, if you’re open to a suggestion: “Practicing total acceptance with who I am each moment” can be a very dangerous activity. It assumes clarity about who’s looking and what’s being seen. Accepting “what is” can be equally dangerous, but at least there’s a focus beyond “me.” Gassho

 

Stunned when I read #4 - this is me completely. Immediate thought: How can I possibly change a lifetime of being a certain way? Feeling-Grief. Question: What do I do now? Where does the strength come from to reverse a life built on one central belief and foundation spanning decades?

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Awareness practice. It’s the same for all of us. We’re captivated by ego, bamboozled by karmic conditioning and self-hate. We suffer. Some, usually unnoticed, miracle happens and we get a clue. We start coming to. We wind up somewhere in something “spiritual,” read or hear something that stuns us, and we begin to consciously change course. The answer to “where does the strength come from” is Life. Intelligence is waking up. To the degree you get fascinated by that process, you will feel energy growing in you. It’s truly exciting. It’s fun. It’s a great adventure. You’ll feel fully alive, possibly for the first time. You won’t have to worry about a lack of strength! Gassho

 

Associating physical sensations or emotions and their meaning is primarily with this identity. How I feels is how it is. Identification with the drama in movies and books associated with illness. It can be an excuse for inaction or indecision; the feeling means I want to but I can’t. R/L

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Yep. What you’ll realize increasingly, should you continue to practice awareness, is that there’s nothing unusual in that process. It’s how ego-identified human beings operate. Once we see that, we can stop taking it so seriously. Chicken Little thought the sky was falling. We’re conditioned to believe lots, mountains really, of stuff that isn’t true. With practice, we get to find out what’s rubbish and drop it. Very exhilarating! Gassho

 

After a major move, leaving behind unwanted items, a subpersonality overwhelmed with sense of loss appears. Return, items retrieved, but--space lacking in new house--donated to charity. Discard subpersonality cheers. Space found, sense of loss returns, plus self-recrimination. Suddenly see the subpersonalities, the egocentric karmic conditioning/self hate loop, burst out laughing.

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Seeing those aspects of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate as “real” gives them a power we don’t need to give them, right? If we believe they have reality in and of themselves, we feel compelled to deal with them as individuals. When we see them all as voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we can notice them, drop them, and move on—with more room in the closets! Gassho

 

Disappointment. What's missing. Something more. If I'm not paying attention, I can get swept away in the melancholy of these karmic triggers. Instead, I can Practice using them as reminders to call the Mentor. Authentic connection and the "what's missing" are always Right Here if I choose. R/L

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Increasingly, we’re learning to “use everything in our experience to see how we cause ourselves to suffer so we can drop that and end suffering,” yes? If we’re not paying attention, those old stories will drag us down into a pit of misery. Recognizing them for what they are, we can re-direct attention to thisherenow and step free. Gassho

 

Seeing through eyes of “four” the perennial glass is half-empty. Something wrong seeps in and settles if not vigilant. Drama prevails. Yes to participating in practice opportunities, making practice the center of Life lived maintains vigilance/awareness/presence. In this way, seeing through the eyes of love/presence, “glass is full-to-over-flowing.” Much gratitude! R/L

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Learning to recognize what used to be signals to suffer as signals to come to conscious awareness makes the practice of awareness the thrilling adventure it is. (I just saw some eyes roll as people read that, but everyone not identified with ego knows it’s true!) Until we’ve practiced a while, we can be caught in believing that “vigilance” is arduous. But it isn’t, is it? It’s joyful. Right HERE. Right NOW. With THIS. Thrilling! Gassho

 

My history, story, and personality are classic 4. Writing a memoir gave me distance; gratitude reduced my longing. Fundamental ache remains in child heart. Plethora of "physical" issues reflect stress and drama of being unfulfilled 4. Life is better now, but leaving always hangs around.

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You’re obviously doing good work so I offer you this: There’s no such thing as a “fundamental ache remaining in a child’s heart.” There just isn’t. That’s a fundamental bamboozle being perpetrated by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. You get a signal to “look.” You look and what you’re told is “yes, that ache is still there.” I hope you’ll keep watching that process and prove to yourself that what’s still there is karma being held in place by a story in conditioned mind. Children don’t stay stuck in old stories, egos do. Don’t let the voices tell you what I’m saying is “harsh” or that “she doesn’t understand.” I do understand, and only an ego wanting to protect its “territory” is going to find an encouragement to look closer as “harsh.” Gassho

 

Lots of loss and grief when I was young. An empty hole in me that would never be filled. I feel I am lacking something because of my losses. Could I possibly be whole despite all those losses? Is this ego fooling me to unconsciousness?

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Yes, it is ego fooling you into unconsciousness; yes, you can certainly be whole despite those losses; in fact, you already are. All of that is a story being cruelly used to keep you in suffering. The world is full of loss. It’s everywhere. We’re born and will die. We love and we will grieve. Does that result in empty holes that can never be filled? No. It most assuredly does not. If you choose to stay with awareness practice, you will prove that to yourself. I hope you do. Gassho

 

Yes! Most of my life I've felt as though I'm "missing a chip". I never fit in with other kids, and it's taken me years to be able to make friends. I knew there must be something wrong. Loving myself was impossible until I discovered my mentor. R/L

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I wish we could all be in one room and see the number of hands that would be raised in answer to the questions, “Ever feel you have a chip missing? Ever feel you don’t fit in, that there’s something wrong with you?” Every hand would go up—unless we had some liars in the room. Because egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate keeps us isolated, we think we’re the only one. We’re not. In fact, ego is horrified as we catch on to how NOT unique ego is! (Do keep in mind, please, that the Mentor is not personal. The Mentor is a “personification” of the Authentic Nature of All That Is.) Gassho

 

Longing for greater intimacy in marriage, project others have that “special” connection that I lack. Stories abound about “why it’s missing”, seeking it externally keeps me from experiencing it within and extending it to others, including my spouse. Dropping stories, it’s just moving with life’s rhythms.

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DROPPING STORIES! You nailed it for all of us! We have all these stories, assumptions, beliefs, and meanings cluttering up our heads. “They” all have something special “you” (as the voices in conditioned mind call me) don’t have, and that’s why you must suffer now and suffer always. Hog wash! We get HERE, with Life, and get some real info about how things are, and the problems fall away as the stories fall away. Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self hate creates desire -Super achiever man likes mediocre me. I feel adored, worthy to my life but, can't continue relationships as it's empty. Ego scans my flaws and theirs; creating contempt. Feel anger in wanting real relationship but need lust and attraction as well. Gassho R/L

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Dragged around through life by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is just not the rollicking good time it’s purported to be, is it? And, yes, ego does get ticked when you catch on to its shenanigans. Go ahead and scan ego’s flaws, and watch your desire for it fade away. Gassho

 

I've had an opportunity to clearly see egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate. I am retiring: have no more work stress, enough money for life and kids' college expenses, house paid off...All the life long worries are gone, yet I still suffer terribly! Never was the content of my life, was always conditioned mind.

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Good. I can’t see how this relates to the class assignment, but I am very happy for you that you’re now at a perfect time to begin practicing awareness in earnest! Gassho

 

Holding a belief that I'm different & didn't belong, I moved far away, many times. Always thinking the next place would be "it". Each time I end up with the same feelings, and isolation. It starts over again, "I don't fit in here" - "where am I meant to be"

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Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest the answer to that question is HERE, rather than lost in conditioned mind. Whenever we’re on a retreat and someone talks about “not belonging,” I ask people in the retreat if there’s anyone who knows that experience. All the hands go up. That’s what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate does. It gets people to believe “you don’t belong, no one understands you” so the person will stay home and be in isolated, intimate relationship with it! Now that you see it you can stop moving around and find your HOME, via awareness practice, in thisherenow. Gassho

 

Core belief that I am deeply lonely. Mentor surprises ego: "No one can love you the way you need, sweetheart. It’s not a need, it’s a want, and the ache will never be met. At least not by another person... We can find the relationships we really need pretty easily." R/L

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Well, there you have it! If anyone reading along is not in relationship with the Mentor, I hope you can see you’re missing out. Thank you for that. Love the “pretty easily.” So true. Gassho

 

I see the pattern- my heart falls in love with someone, then I'm told that someone is someone wrong/not enough. They break-up, intense yearning and panic, sorrow/despair follow. Repeat. Then told give up. Stay alone.

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Good. Very helpful to see the pattern, isn’t it? Seeing it, you can begin to undo it. You care for someone. The voices in conditioned mind say that someone is not good enough. Believing the voices, you end the relationship. The voices of self-hate fill you with stories that lead to awful feelings. You find someone to care for…. Yes, it’s a scam, a con, a bamboozle to get you to stay home with ego and feed it all your life force. Time to turn it around, huh? Gassho

 

"What's missing" orientation is the slow slide D-O-W-N; the opposite of contentment. It is conditionings first response, if I turn to it. Contentment never comes from discontent. Turning away from that orientation is the only way to receiving and enjoying! It's what I choose to practice over and over! R/L

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Excellent. We’re hearing a lot of success from turning those “signals that it’s time to suffer” into “signals that it’s time to come to.” As we get a list of ego’s standard ploys—can be helpful to write them on the wall or make recordings that remind us to watch for them—we start seeing them as flags. “Ah, yes. I’m in a conversation in my head about what’s missing. I’m identified with ego! Time to get to presence.” Ego would like people to believe it’s terribly clever and imaginative. It isn’t. It’s predictable. We just have to train ourselves to see how it does what it does. Gassho

 

Most of my life it’s been the wrong house, spouse, spiritual practice, car etc. Sounds pretty 4 like. Recently I had an insight that the only thing ever missing was love. It was one of those transformational moments. The practice became more clear, love everything and everyone. R/L

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Very good. Now that you’ve been practicing with that, I bet you can see the only thing ever missing was presence, Yes? Presence let’s us stay on track with choosing Love rather than love, if you follow my drift. Gassho

 

Fourness beliefs are so deep it's hard to see when happening. Example--though content and committed in relationship, always subconsciously looking at other women. "Maybe she is the 'perfect' partner." I see it a millisecond later. Constantly vampiring from joy, from,even, just seeing the person for the miracle they are. R/L

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Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is a nasty trickster, isn’t it? “Oh, you think you’re happy but what about that or that or that? Wouldn’t you be happier with that?” What we’re learning with awareness practice is that we can only be as happy as we can be, and that that happy only ever exists in thisherenow. True? Gassho

 

So much projection. Easy to spot in others. TINW retreat really helped me gain insight into how the focus on what’s missing is all a con. Next steps: continue to spot the subtleties of the “if only X” line of thinking as it sneaks into assumptions for this human being. R/L

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That’s it! That’s practice, isn’t it? We have to learn to spot the infiltration of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, keeping close watch as it gets subtler and subtler. That’s why I keep cautioning people not to fall for “I used to do that, but now I just choose Unconditional Love.” Do we want to choose Unconditional Love? Absolutely. Will doing that make us proof against more and more subtle levels of the con? Not a bit! Gassho

 

I see the chasm between life I have & voices of dream life I'd like better. It seems insane to believe it now. Looks like fear (egocentrickarmicconditioning/sh.) Duality pulling her back & forth causing suffering, keeping attention. Much love for doing the work. R/L

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So true that once we see egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate for what it is, it seems insane to believe it—insane that we ever fell for it. Yet we did. And we still can, right? So we keep up our practice, reminding ourselves often that we are ending lifetimes of suffering, and just saying we don’t want to suffer any more is not gonna cut it. We do the work and, blessedly, we begin to love the work! Gassho

 

I have a history of being drawn to “intense emotional states” and living in the future of “when happens I will be happy.” A love of opera and melodrama fed the melancholy which could turn into depression and obsession. Gratefully, practice has changed this pattern. R/L

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Would it be more accurate to say that practice is changing this pattern? Karma has a powerful pull, doesn’t it? If it were easy to break the grip of ego, we would have done it long ago! Now we see it’s not a contest, and ending it is what we’re going for. Gassho

 

"This is rubbish. You're so tired. Today worked out all wrong." I feel awful. "Dearest, darling human, everything is just perfect. Look, your beautiful home. Look, amazing views of your garden and valley beyond. Look, beautiful wonderful things you have in your life, right now, right this minute." I smile. R/L

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So much kinder than ego’s, “Get a grip. What’s the matter with you? You have so much to be grateful for and you’re bellyaching.” The Mentor just gently assists us to re-direct attention to what is so. Attention is on Life and gratitude fills the heart. Can’t help smiling! Gassho

 

Nope. No 4 here. Oh...unless...Would longing for a farmer's life qualify? (Horses, outdoors, getting dirty?) To love that life instead of the life I lead. Huh. Yes, the wistful desire for something other ("better") than what is. R/L

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Perhaps, huh? Now there’s certainly nothing wrong with a love of horses, outdoors, and getting dirty, is there? The only problem with what you’re describing is what you pointed out: You’re not here for the life you have, and you’re being made to believe that fantasy would be better than what Life is unfolding for you in this moment. Nothing wrong with it; it just pales next to real life. And, of course, you can always head off to the nearest farm on some spacious day that Life drops in that as a fun thing to do. Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate says I miss "the receptors for connection" in some situations involving other people. "I just don't get how they feel". Will check if it says so only afterwards or during specific situations too. In both cases I'll use it as a reminder to come back to present. R/L

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The other thing you might pay attention to is the assumption that it’s possible for us to “get how they feel.” Is that true? Is that what “connection” means, believing we know how another feels? And, yes, in all cases using everything we can as reminders to come to presence! Gassho

 

Me, “a Romantic”? However, there are projections: the perfect mate, income, or lifestyle. Ego distracts, by conditioning satisfaction on unobtainable fantasy fulfillment. No thanks! Whatever is happening, “thisherenow” is just perfect. R/L

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Thisherenow is indeed perfect, AND what we’re exploring in this class are the times we get pulled into egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate’s, in this case, Enneatype 4-ness. Paying attention to those projections and fantasies—how you get pulled in, how much time/energy you spend in them, ways to head them off, etc.—could be fruitful. Gassho

 

Wow I have such 4 tendencies in relationships. Currently in a loving supportive partnership and egocentrickarmicondioning still telling me something's missing. Not enough emotion magical feelings or drama so not really love. Makes me miss the goodness I have. Why would egocentrickarmicondtioning/self-hate ever be a love expert? That's ridiculous. R/L Gassho

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Perfect, isn’t it? The one thing in the universe devoted to avoiding Love is presenting itself as an authority on love. We gotta laugh, except for those times we get hoodwinked into believing it and suffer as a result. Great insight. Gassho

 

In addition to the awareness that there is a constant ego pull to strive for something that’s not here, I see the desire to do something about that awareness. The awareness itself gets folded into the longing (for a time when I’m “free” of the ego pattern). Just being instead. R/L

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Great catch! I see the longing and long for a time when I’m not longing. Ooohh… ego is slippery, isn’t it? Seeing that kind of process is what makes awareness practice so much fun. Sherlock Holmes has got nuthin’ on us! Gassho

 

I can get stuck in a belief that other, better people have or know something that I don’t. The Mentor says, “All that’s needed is to attend to this one thing, right now” -- the rest drops away and the experience is one of wholeheartedness and connection. R/L Gassho

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Yep. You make a strong case for spending a LOT of time in conversation with the Mentor. That’s a very quick trip to thisherenow, isn’t it? Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate's focus on the next moment is its ploy to pull me out of the present, contentment and peace. Being told right here is not enough. Must look out there. Know it's all a sham. R/L

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I suppose that puts everyone in touch with Enneatype 4-ness, doesn’t it? “There’s another moment, the next moment, and it has something that this moment doesn’t have. It’ll be better than this moment.” Horse pucky, isn’t it? Gassho

 

Wow! Yep! Do that anyway, but searching for stability after 25 year marriage ended in betrayal. Longing for that intimate connection that was of most importance to me. Will be okay then, without warning, depression. Frequent thoughts of dying. Not life threatening, but SO painful. How best to hold them? R/L

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Don’t hold them! Let them go. Truly. I don’t know where you are with awareness practice as we do it, but all you mention is what we practice with. Betrayal, longing, intimate connection, depression, thoughts of dying are some of the “content” that we learn to approach as process. We learn to disidentify from the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate yammering on in conditioned mind, and be with the human being in compassionate awareness. Stick with us; all will be revealed. Gassho

 

Distant longing, push-pull, not settling for less. Missing a home, relationship, & money = stressed = identified. From there, nobody/ nothing wants to be near me (including myself). When attention isn’t on what’s missing, I have everything I need. Currently pursuing a home - mostly w/ Life leading- different experience. R/L

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You’re describing beautifully the difference between “identified with ego” and “identified with Life.” We’re either inhabiting the dark room or the Light Room. What’s always astonishing is that nothing is any different in the two orientations, except who’s looking. Everything “outside” is exactly the same. Same people, same job, same house, and our experience is completely different. Ego sees the job, the spouse, the entire existence as boring, unexciting, unfulfilling, something to avoid and escape (that requires endless conversation in the head!). When present with Life, those very same “things” are seen not just as fine, but as perfect. Gassho

 

So helpful to see how the 4 characteristics show up now as wanting something in a different way, when what Life is offering is exactly what is needed. Bringing attention to that process of loving what is given is bliss. Gassho R/L

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Recognizing the “wanting something in a different way” from what it is—ego bamboozling—enables us not to believe what the voices are saying, but instead to go to our experience of gratitude for what Life is offering. Much happier, huh? Gassho

 

Married for 35 years and still carried a secret “4 “thought that I didn't marry my romantic soulmate. Surprise and learning-Life is my soulmate. Contentment brings ego fear of depression. Confuse desire animating me with Life animating. Gassho. R/L

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That’s lovely. Life is our soul mate. Very true, isn’t it? And, we can have and love anyone else we choose, can’t we? A caution: Contentment brings ego hope of depression. Ego is fear, that’s true. But ego is never going to be afraid that “you” will be depressed. Depression is candy for ego. If you, the authentic human, are suffering, ego is happy. Know what I mean? Lots of focus of attention on conditioned mind for “what to do?” Ego candy. You’re onto the “what’s animating.” You’ll see that clearly as you continue to pay attention. Gassho