Enneagram Class 2

 

Working in the "helping profession" can trigger my helper muscle. Noticing when the helping veers over into directing is key. Assuming I know what is "right" for anyone else often leads to disappointment & resentment. Disappointment & resentment fuels Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate and can injure those I seek to serve. R/L

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Beautifully stated. Once again we get to see how a self-serving ego uses our best impulses to feed its insatiable hunger at our expense. That “line” you reference is the one we’re always keeping an eye out for in practice: When does a genuine wish to participate get taken over by ego. Another way of saying that might be when does an impulse in the heart become a conversation in the head? Gassho

 

I see that "my love makes the world go around" gets activated when "I" feel vulnerable or unhappy, and when I am just doing what I choose, it fades. R/L

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What you’re exploring can be what’s often referred to as a slippery slope. Ego feels vulnerable or unhappy (we know it’s always claiming to feel something that requires us to give it attention), and that signals “you need to do something to fix this.” It could seem the answer is to always do what ego wants so it won’t be unhappy, right? What we get to see here is that both those choices—doing something for someone else or just doing what I choose—are ego-feeding choices. What we’re going for in awareness practice is presence that enables us to follow Life’s guidance. There’s no place for ego in that choice! Gassho

 

Having better ideas is a form of helping. I see one way to do a project; the other person has their way. The project takes a long time if I’m being ”helpful” because we continually navigate between the different approaches. If I don’t help then I’m shirking my responsibility. R/L

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Really? You mean that’s what you hear as the goad that will get you to jump in with those better ideas? I’m guessing that’s the case since it’s hard to imagine it’s actually “your responsibility” to turn doing a project into constant negotiations between “my way” and
“your way.” Gassho

 

Resonating with 2 also! Giving, expecting something in return, isn't really giving. No wonder there's so much resentment. Seeing every encounter can be conditional, according to egocentrickarmicconditioningselfhate. Knowing there is so much genuine generosity and compassion in this and all hearts. Ego can stake its claim on ANYTHING! R/L

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You got it! “Ego can stake its claim on ANYTHING!” And it will and it does! It has no shame and there’s certainly nothing sacred for ego. It wants attention, preferably the attention that comes with suffering, and it will do anything to get it. Great insight! Gassho

 

In relationship, focusing on others needs before own. Karma chooses relationships with "takers", reinforces belief, and assumption (and experience) nobody is here for this one unless "I" separates. Lose Lose, know movement is to adequacy, and see how karma has chosen current relationship. Help! R/L

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You know that “Help!” is ego nonsense, don’t you? You don’t need any “Help!” and giving that to ego is not going to get you where you can see you want to go and are going. You’re seeing how it works! That’s awareness practice! Keep paying attention and all will be revealed. Freedom comes with the revelations and the choices those revelations engender. Gassho

 

My process combines one and two. selflessly helping other people is the right thing to do; telling other people about it is bragging! Strong stories about how appreciation is deserved, which must come from others to be true. Having some success getting “noticed” and appreciated by the mentor. R/L.

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Well, enjoy that fiction of “having some success getting ‘noticed’ and appreciated by the Mentor” for just as long as you can! It will be short-lived as you get clearer about what that relationship is. The Mentor is Authentic Nature. It doesn’t “notice and appreciate us,” it is us! Gassho

 

I especially see this at work with a belief that the most important thing is winning my boss's approval, and then I'll be happy/loved. The miracle I've been experiencing lately is that I can feel that just by taking care of myself - no approval needed. R/L

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And, the best part of that movement is that you will likely be able to see that the boss does approve of you. Looking through the lens of ego, we can’t recognize the fact that we are adored by All That Is Divine! Gassho

 

I can attend to the needs of others so much that I neglect my own. Then, I feel resentful and unloved. I know this patten well and practice breaking it all the time. Stil, itl can sneak in deviously. The root, I think, is still sticky self-hate and I want to drop that. R/L

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The root is sticky ego and its “henchperson” self-hate. Yes. It will keep sneaking in until we learn to recognize all its guises and cease to fall for them. You’re doing the awareness practice that enables that to happen—keep up the good work! Gassho

 

 

 

Looking for Enneatype 2 (ego said that's not me), I got a clue-by-four from life that made it clear how 2 shows up. Then saw how I get a 1-2 punch when the perfectionist decides how I "should" help and the helper jumps in. No more! R/L

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Well, how about “not as much”? The One would like to make plans for a perfect future, but in fact, we’re going to continue to come up against subtler expressions of these karmic tendencies. Good to remember we’re practicing awareness, not ego’s ideas of perfection. Gassho

 

Often I will put the needs of "others" in front of my own because I am lead to believe that is the right person thing to do. I am depleted and I am in a place of scarcity which makes me on edge. R/L Gassho

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What we get to see is that the incessant conversation in conditioned mind is not aiming to assist anything other than egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. The assumption that doing what ego says we should do is the “right person” thing to do is one we really need to get past, right? What’s the “right person” thing? We could start with “finding compassion for all.” Gassho

 

Let the games begin. The hunger games. Underneath the well intentioned, selfless giving is a belief that I am only loveable, matter if I am of value to the other. Giving is a strategy to get love. Egocentric karmic conditioned self hate is keeping score. There are no winners only losers.

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Well, sort of, unless we see that ego is the big winner in that “game.” Are there any human winners? Nope. Time to change the rules of the game, huh? Gassho

 

Meeting friends, catching up with family members. Start with full battery. Although some interactions support presence/add energy, battery overall being drained. Ego processes of “connecting", “helping”, seeking approval, validation running in background. Processes disguised as candy or virtuous, something the human “wants”, while ego takes the human's energy. R/L

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THAT is a very clear picture! The story afterward is that “they” did something wrong/were wrong in some way, or that you were wrong in how you were being with these people. What you’re seeing is that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was running the whole show, draining the energy out of you—and probably everyone else! Great catch. Gassho

 

Seeing a process that supplants staying with myself (aka "meeting my needs"). The process is to go with the others' energy... be habitually, automatically swept away. Helpful change of behavior: 1) Stop. 2) Be forthcoming with what is happening. While #1 feels challenging, #2 feels terribly courageous. R/L Gassho.

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And you’re practicing, right? You’re showing up with your eyes wide open to see what’s going on. We’re not letting egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate turn our awareness practice into a win/lose contest. It actually doesn’t matter what happens! What matters is that we’re practicing being present, paying attention to everything, not taking anything personally, and freeing ourselves from unconscious, egocentric, karmic programming. Well done! Gassho

 

Surprising how familiar this description is when examined. What stands out is how doing for others so often leads to not taking care of own needs, then feeling resentment followed by self-hate. This also follows not feeling appreciated. Grateful to see how it all breaks down. R/L

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Good to see how universal the process is, isn’t it? The voices of self-hate get lots of mileage out of getting us to believe “you’re the only one/this is all you.” It’s not. It’s a process. First that then that then that then that—ending in self-hate. Whew, huh? Gassho

 

I wasn’t seeing the Helper for a while but kept looking. Aha! With my girlfriend! Seeing especially how ego perverts the Heart's desire to be of loving service into the belief that she’s inadequate, she needs my help, she should accept it. Seeing that for the first time--gratitude! Gassho

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We don’t usually think of awareness practice as “couples counseling,” but it often accomplishes the goal! What you’re seeing is how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate uses our caring for others to achieve its ends. What are those ends? Getting attention through suffering. You really want to assist your girlfriend, from an openhearted lovingkindness. Unbeknownst to you, ego just puts a little twist on that so that if she’s not happy to have you control her, she’s just being ungrateful and unloving! Really good to see! Gassho

 

The "helper" role often is a way of creating distance and avoiding relationships. Giving from ego-I place is all about being superior instead of Life's giving/receiving relationship with other humans. Helper "kindness" can turn into conditioning's perfectionism when unappreciated.

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A world of suffering in a nutshell, yes? We get fooled because when ego talks about it inside conditioned mind it all sounds so good. I just want to help. That’s a noble wish, isn’t it? But as ego gets hold of it, that noble wish turns into control, superiority, resentment, anger and then, of course, down the road, self-hate. Stepping back and seeing the process clearly, we begin to untangle ourselves from ego’s web of suffering. Gassho

 

EKC/SH tells me I am needed. No one else will do it. Then I find I've overcommitted. I used to quit but now I just drop standards around how I help. Still very hard to say no (how could you?). Looking at that R/L

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We assume our two choices are yes and no. That’s how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate keeps people in its world of duality. Yes, you’re a good person; no, you’re a bad person. Quite simple. But that’s ego’s world, not how Life actually is. When we’re looking to Life, the ultimate Time Manager, there’s plenty of ability to do what needs doing in a given moment without anyone left out or overburdened. The trick is we have to look to Life, not to ego, to make those choices. THAT’s what awareness practice is all about! Gassho

 

Indispensible, over-managing, then mad when people are dependent on me. The belief: other people’s needs are more important. Seeing how that moves over to: conditioning’s needs are more important. Seeing that doing “it all” shoves life out and closes the gaps where life could supply what’s needed. R/L

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Exactly so. Because, as it turns out, those “other people” are actually egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, right? There aren’t any “other people” in this. It’s all happening in conditioned mind! That’s why there can’t be any communication. That’s why I can’t say to you, “I am completely exhausted; do you need me to do that right now?” If we communicated we’d find out those “other people” aren’t those people getting blamed for being so demanding and unappreciative! Yes? Communication solves all these “problems,” which is why the voices are dead set against people communicating. Look to conditioned mind, get told how it is, do what the voices say, never check anything out, and be an angry victim. That’s ego’s plan for us. But we’re on to it, aren’t we? And, we’re turning this around! Gassho

 

Big process is wanting everyone happy/taken care of, so noticing their needs. Seeking approval by being good/helpful feels like genuine love to shine and contribute that's co-opted by egocentric karmic-conditioning/self-hate's fear of abandonment because “I’m” not good enough. So, contributions/helping people proves self-worth, and often this being's needs/priorities are forgotten. Gassho R/L.

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Yep, that’s it! Letting egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate drag us around through life is just not a good time, is it? That genuine wish for everyone’s wellbeing gets turned into “and if they’re not happy it’s your fault and they’re not going to love you.” As we get clearer about that, we can just stay with the genuine wish for everyone’s wellbeing—keeping in mind that “we” are part of “everyone.” Gassho

 

When Two shows up, feel important when sought, hurt when they’d rather someone else. Appreciation, when offered, is brushed away because gratitude is never enough” egocentrickarmicconditionining/self-hate would rather be indispensable. In this world, she is abused and distracted from suffering. Practicing love for her, again and again. R/L

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Yes, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate would rather be indispensable, but not for any good reason. It wants to be the focus of all attention all the time. Everyone needs you all the time, and then when they don’t there’s suffering. Oh, and there’s also good suffering when they don’t really appreciate you enough or feel grateful enough or…. Practicing Unconditional Love for the human is a much better choice, isn’t it? Gassho

 

I help by controlling others to keep them safe at the expense of not taking care of myself. I believe I'm the one who does it best and the only one who can do it. Without my assistance, people would fail and things would be bad for them. Gassho R/L

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Yikes, huh? God can now safely retire knowing you are in charge! It doesn’t feel like that inside though, does it? It doesn’t feel like ego-serving controlling; it feels like the good/right person who wants to keep everyone safe—even if it’s in spite of them! I find it helpful under these circumstances to ask myself if I want someone else to be in control of my life, even if they actually could do a better job. The answer is always a resounding “NO!” Gassho

 

Noticed a certain way that I want to please others followed by completely depleting myself. Skip meditation, not take care of myself. Then feel frustrated that my house guests are throwing me off schedule. I try to do it all and be it all for “them”/ego. R/L

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There’s the important connection to make, isn’t it? It’s not about “them,” it’s about ego. Those houseguests aren’t asking me to sacrifice myself, ego is. Perhaps it’s permission for others to take care of themselves when we take care of ourselves? Gassho

 

I don’t feel indispensable, I like to honestly give my best. At the same time I am aware I also use my empathy and sensitivity as a means to creating a friendly atmosphere for me to live in as I often feel shy, especially on the workplace.

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As we practice awareness it’s sometimes difficult to recognize how the judgments of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are slipping in. The fact that we genuinely wish others well and want to assist them is not negated by the way ego comes in to manipulate a situation. And, we do use our abilities to be the way we need to be to elicit the responses we’re seeking from others. There’s no harm in any of it. The suffering happens when we can’t tell the difference between genuine/authentic and ego-identity. As we continue to observe, the difference becomes more obvious. Gassho

 

Wow I am indeed a helper but at what expense, I can see where although it's absolutely joyful to help from centre when I neglect my own needs this human suffers and that helps no one. Mothers little helper, she can love herself unconditionally without fear, pure joy. R/L

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It’s not either/or, is it? We can joyfully assist ALL, all the time. Unconditional Love doesn’t have any me/you lines through it. Gassho

 

With Types 1-3, this is ego's way of putting me down, isolating me, and putting down others in one fell swoop. 'You're too lazy to be X type, and that makes you better, and don't you hate those people who are X type.' Wow. What a scam! R/L

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There’s “self-hate” and “other hate” and they are the very same thing, aren’t they? Great catch. Gassho

 

Noticing that egocentrickarmiconditioning in charge of being helpful feels stressful. So many things must be done to be loved and monitoring to insure it's working. When it naturally arises from center how to be helpful without attachment to outcome all are held in love including me. R/L Gassho

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That’s a lovely description of being in thisherenow. No “self” and “other,” just us. Life is orchestrating all perfectly and we get to “share the love.” Such a good deal! Gassho

 

No 2 in me! Then considered why egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate doesn’t want me to look at this. Because I choose friends that “need my help” so I will be liked. Which assumes they aren’t adequate to their life. Very humbling to “discover” this belief system! Deeply imbedded, unquestioned, until now. How interesting.

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And, let’s stay with “how interesting,” shall we? That’s the kind of awareness that ego can latch onto and turn into a giant stick to beat you with. You’ve had a powerful insight. That’s a marvelous thing. No need to let conditioned mind “make it mean” anything. Nothing to do about it, nothing to fix or change. Just awareness. Life will present more clarity all in good time. Gassho

 

Growing up I believed I must be the "strong" one who helped others but had no needs. That self-sufficient identity did require appreciation to assure it, but that was never understood as a need. Even seeing that pattern now, appreciation that seems insufficient can still lead to resentment. R/L

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Great point. Insight is not change. We see how something works, even get clear about how that came to be, but that doesn’t alter years of habitual patterns. Practicing awareness we see more, see it clearer, get more distance, slowly become different. In this slow and steady way we get to the root of issues, and when those roots are removed the issues tend to stay resolved. Gassho

 

 

There is someone here who is very sensitive to other people’s needs. Taking care of those needs is an unconscious and automatic response. She gets irritated when others do not acknowledge the kindness and angry when they do not reciprocate. She believes we all need to help one another. R/L

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Yes, indeed, and I suspect she is neither a “someone” nor a “she.” I strongly suspect that is egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate masquerading as a someone/she. Can you get a sense of that? Gassho

 

Two- Helper I learned at an early age that love from family and friends, was earned by giving them what I thought they needed or wanted. I have learned that I don't need to DO anything to be loved. That is an old story I have released. R/L

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Are you sure? Have you looked everywhere? This is one of those “categorically so” statements that always make me wonder. The story may have been released but that doesn’t mean the karma doesn’t still have a toe in the door. In awareness practice we’re always paying attention for the subtle expressions of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Something that’s just a “whiff” at one point in our lives can become a stench if allowed to grow unnoticed. Just a word to the wise…. Gassho

 

Because “my” intention is pure, aka right, “you” can’t get mad! “I” need you to see how hard I’m working to help you (appreciate me-don’t have your own experience!)! Wow! seeing this on whole new level=mind/ego-blowing! Another Heart LOVES to contribute! Immediately, ego steals the energy/joy via evaluation leaving heart deflated. R/L

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Oh, you are so close! Everything is exactly on target right up to “heart deflated.” Now, you could still be on target if the use of capitals was intentional. The Heart with a capital H, being synonymous with Life, can never be deflated, no matter what. The small h heart, what ego would call heart, is like all other lower case experiences—love being the primary example. That heart is “happy” when it gets what it wants and miserable when it doesn’t. There’s actually no “Heart” in it! The lower case “love” is the one the movies are so fond of depicting, a conditional experience meant to be more desirable than the Unconditional. Gassho

 

Great difficulty being kind to myself yet a cheerleader to others, Justifies and fuels feelings of resentment that others don’t give me the amount of appreciation I need. Feeling I don’t deserve to ask for what I want and need creates a cycle of enormous grief / self-abuse / rage.

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The good news is that that whole process has nothing to do with “you,” the authentic human being. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate “has trouble” being kind—period. There is no kindness in it. It is happy to cheerlead others because that’s going to result in resentment down the line, as you’ve noticed. It says you can’t ask for what you want (forget “need,” as only presence can meet needs), and then goes into hysterics. You’re stepping back and seeing the process. “You” are the conscious awareness doing that. Stay with it. All will be revealed, I promise. Gassho

 

Noticing a little uptick in energy when I get email requesting help. Irony is that egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate can then resent the other for not seeing how busy I am with important tasks. I commonly neglect exercise, relaxation, pleasure; time filled with serving others” needs. Remember (historically) feeling groundless when not needed.

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Ego “feels” “groundless” when not needed! Ego is desperate at the mere idea of not being at the center of the universe! Someone asks (which I bet they’re trained to do, yes?). This is followed by the righteous resentment. Then the ritual of martyrdom begins. Ego is ecstatic, griping and complaining the whole time. True? You’re seeing it! This is very good! Gassho

 

If the plants are healthy, the children are vibrant, the house is sparkling and husband is relaxed and successful, then I can relax and enjoy. My happiness and worth come from how well I'm caring for others. I actually can't sense many other things that bring me joy. R/L

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Time to begin sensing those other things perhaps? You’ve probably read novels and seen movies about people—especially women—who devote their lives to others and it doesn’t lead to fulfillment. The marriage changes, the children grow up and leave home…. Does “she,” that woman who cares for others, bring you joy? Gassho

 

Approval and fear are fuel for helping. I can cross line to enable when my attention is not present. Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate wants perfection by my helping it so. It is all connected and I can get carried away. R/L

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Yes, we can all get carried away when we’re not present. Very true. That’s why egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate works so diligently to distract us and pull us out of the present. Finding that line between participating, assisting, and supporting from Life’s guidance and direction and letting ego’s fear-mongering drive us to unconscious controlling interference is what awareness practice is all about. That line is the same as the threshold between the dark room and the Light Room, between Here and lost in conditioned mind. It’s the great spiritual question: What are we following through life? Gassho

 

After much resistance (forgetting, sleepy, “you don’t understand,” etc.), what dropped in is: everything that shows up is yours, and everyone is adequate to their life experience. You mean I don”t have to make it okay for everyone else? Amazing effects in interacting with partner. R/L.

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Ah, the practical applications of practicing awareness! We could say, “Everything’s better from center,” couldn’t we? Present here; problems are falling like dominos! Gassho

 

I say yes too fast and frequently overcommit. I want to be seen as helpful and having no needs of my own. I hesitate to set clear boundaries. The payoff is I get to feel "better than" an deserving of appreciation. Then I snap and become a raging lunatic. R/L

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I am such a wonderful, really perfect, person right up until I snap and become a raging maniac! Love it. (I bet most of us can relate.) It’s such a setup, isn’t it? Especially the “having no needs of my own” piece. There’s wanting to be helpful, then there’s wanting to be seen as helpful (I’d really like to be seen as helpful without actually having to help, thank you very much), and then there’s the “I have no needs of my own,” which makes me better than you. We can just sense this is not going to end well! Again, seeing is the first giant step in freeing. Gassho

 

Ah Ego’s tricks. “I” identify most with Type Two and have become quite “good” at catching its games. But while I was distracted being “good” at catching Two’s games, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate was causing suffering because someone didn’t “do” something I expected. VERY good to catch! R/L Gassho

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It’s why we love practice, isn’t it? As soon as we see the whole thing as a game, we start enjoying playing. Ego says, “Look over there,” and while I’m looking it pulls the rug out from under me. One point for you, ego, but I saw how you did that and I won’t be so easily fooled next time! Gassho

 

I become a "helper" often times to maintain peace and order. The voices remind me that I am not always helping for the greater good. I often expend my time and energy to please others, experience burnout, then become moody when my help is not outwardly recognized. R/L

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It’s a scam, isn’t it? A bamboozle in the strictest sense. A “bait and switch” con. Do this in order to get that and after you do this the that you get is not the that you were promised. Your “reward” is burnout, crankiness, and a beating for having fallen for the hoax again. Now we’re finding our way through the either/or “non-choices” ego presents us with. Are others really pleased that we exhaust ourselves helping them? Unlikely. Realizing that, new options begin to present themselves for us. Gassho

 

I love to help others "selflessly", feel virtuous in doing so and crave appreciation. Awareness sees that it's a way of taking care of me because it makes me feel good. At my lowest, I feel I don't do enough. At my highest, I feel better than others.

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I think you’re seeing that “craving appreciation” is not actually compatible with “selflessly,” is that true? Are you sure it’s “awareness” that sees it’s a way of taking care of you because it makes you feel good? (It has a bit of a “story in conditioned mind” feel to it.) If you “don’t do enough” and you “feel better than others,” how can this be taking care of you? Perhaps I’m missing what you’re saying here, but there seems to be some pretty large inconsistencies. Gassho

 

Looking at the 2 in me I'm experiencing a deep sadness.almost a tears feeling with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart. I've noticed this to be conditioning's response to being caught with pants down. Turning attention to self care seems a small gesture.

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This is a really important one! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate trains people not to be aware by making people feel bad each time they become aware of something egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is doing. You’re practicing awareness here! You’re “supposed” to be aware of what’s happening! Yes? You’re doing the right thing! BUT egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate got caught with its pants down—you became aware of what it’s doing to you—and you’re made to feel bad. Can you see that? You should be whooping and hollering, dancing around and shouting in celebration. YOU SAW IT. Instead you’re conditioned to feel a deep sadness, tears, a lump in the throat, a heavy heart. NOOOOOOOOOO! Do not fall for that! Forget self care. Turn attention to thisherenow, say thank you for seeing this crapola for what it is, and start that party! Gassho

 

By “helping” others “I” can avoid working out my own salvation diligently. Notably, “I” despise being offered advice but gladly give it and even resent other people asking me for help although I am constantly offering to help and volunteering my time and services. R/L Gassho

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What you’re saying, in other words, is that you’re seeing how much crapola egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is actually full of. Did I get that right? Time to get on with working out that salvation, eh? Very good. Gassho

 

I fall into Enneatype 2 with relationship, putting my partner’s needs before mine which leads to resentment and desire to control/moral superiority. This process creates isolation, separation from my partner while still seeking their approval/appreciation which I then can’t accept! It’s exhausting. R/L

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It is! It’s so exhausting we finally agree to stop it! This is a good thing, isn’t it? Since this is a partner relationship, it might be a perfect time for some clear communication, don’t you think? You might try something along these lines: “If I do X for you I will be sacrificing doing Y for me, and this will lead to resentment, a desire to control you, and a morally superior attitude down the line. Is doing X for you important enough to launch all that?” I bet your partner might just say something along the lines of “Holy speedos, no! I didn’t even want you to do that in the first place!” Worth the exploration, huh? Gassho

 

I pay attention to what people need. I sometimes find myself expecting gratitude is owed to me. I soften and open to empathy. I let the true connection come into awareness. Appreciation isn’t what I need. Connection is what I need, and I have connection. R/L

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Are you paying attention to what people need or are you paying attention to what you need and projecting that onto others? (Could be a fruitful place to explore.) And, is all that pre-connection separation necessary in order to get to connection? Is it an “I” that needs connection or is connection what’s there when “I” isn’t? Gassho

 

Now I can see I was Two in my last relation. Helping her all the time and delaying my own projects. I was pretty upset sometimes when I did not feel she understood all my help. There was a lot of sorrow and verbal agregions. I felt completely lost sometimes. R/L

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This could fall under the category of “if you loved me you would read my mind.” Sometimes we forget that we’re the only ones living inside our head. We get so locked into our own (ego’s) perspective with its unexamined beliefs and assumptions that we forget we need to communicate if anyone is going to be able to join us! Perhaps the “helping” was not so much the issue as the lack of communication? Perhaps that’s mostly true most of the time in most situations. Gassho

 

I am 70 yrs old and brushing my teeth for the first time. Of course I've brushed them but with voices yammering on about hurrying up. Self care and care for others was usurped to feed the conditioned system. With Practice the teeth and all receive love and gratitude. R/L

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Very wise. Our issues are never with anyone else, are they? Our issues are never with “us” either. All our issues are with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, and it’s so sneaky most people never even know it’s there calling all the shots. Gassho

 

Was helping my wife to get out of debt. Then paid for her to go back to school while I support family, rent and all other expenses. My two wanted acknowledgement and gratitude, my heart is grateful for opportunity to be supporting. At work two tries to be helpful. R/L

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Even though the Heart is grateful for the opportunity to support, we can still want some acknowledgement and gratitude. And we can provide that, can’t we? That’s what that glorious relationship with the Mentor and the recorder is all about! Gassho

 

I forget to pay attention to the Heart, to Life, to the Mentor who always gives unconditional love and acceptance. I forget to stop and ask this human what she needs in each and every moment. I focus on the voices instead of Love. Not any more! R/L

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There you go! Now, will you sometimes still forget? Backslide a bit? Sure. But you’ve made the commitment, and now your focus will be on keeping that commitment. No stopping her now! Gassho

 

 

The opportunity to love and be loved is one of the most precious gifts in this human existence. It gives me the chance to wake up more and more. My internal mentor, a loving, kindly grandma, guides me on this journey when I fall asleep and cannot find my way.

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That opportunity is indeed a truly precious gift. A couple of things to consider: The Mentor is the Mentor; we don’t each have one. The wisdom, love, and compassion available to us via the Mentor will come in whatever form we can relate to best. That guidance is always available to us, always guiding us, whether we realize it or not. We may fall asleep and not avail ourselves of the guidance, but when we “come to” it is the same guidance there for us. In other words, “I” never find “my” way—Life is always finding our way. Gassho

 

I don't see much of type 2 in me. When I do things for others, my feeling is that the job needs to be done, so do it. I don't feel as though I must receive love or appreciation. Mainly, I do things just because they need doing. R/L

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Why you? You do things for others because you perceive they need something and you can help them? Does “doing things that need to be done” ever get in the way of you taking care of yourself? These folks you do things for don’t need to appreciate you or say thank you? Are you that available to do stuff for strangers as well as people you care about? When someone says, “I don’t see much…” I always wonder who is doing the seeing. Know what I mean? I sense a “none of that touchy/feely stuff for me” in your response. Is there some of that? Gassho

 

I stopped chronic helping years ago, when I realized I was enabling and/or being used. Now I usually wait to be asked before helping. Occasionally I will offer spontaneously. Am I limiting my expression of compassion by refraining? Or minding my own business and not enabling / interfering / judging?

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A suggestion: It would be more illuminating to see where those judgments (I was enabling/being used) and those questions (am I limiting expressions of compassion or minding my own business, etc.) come from than either 1) assuming your assessment is accurate or 2) consulting conditioned mind—again!—to get answers. That approach does have a bit of a One-ish feel to it, doesn’t it? Gassho

 

Lots of resistance felt here. "love is not my highest ideal" "I'm not a helper" snaps ECKC/SH, (the human is a healthcare provider!) The human enjoys occasions of genuinely helping, but ego takes it over, as a mission of martyrdom. The human recognizes burnout, emotional volatility & exhaustion. R/L

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I always wonder “who” is assessing what “the human” is doing, thinking, feeling, experiencing. We use language such as “this being” or “the human,” and it creates an impression that these evaluations are coming from center. Are they? Gassho

 

I recognize this type immediately; it’s been a big one for me in past times. I mistakenly thought I could control the environment and people around me in an attempt to make sense out of chaos; fill my black hole; avoid looking at my pain/needs. Never worked; internal lovingkindness does. R/L

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A trap egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate enjoys setting is getting a person to focus on “how that used to happen to me,” and then to give the correct awareness practice answer. We never want to fall for that. Karma doesn’t tend to get “wrapped up and tossed” once and for all. It gets subtler and it can slide off the radar screen, but it’s still around. If we assume we’re finished with it because we know what to do when it “comes up,” it can do a lot of damage without our noticing. Gassho

 

What's interesting is that I don't see many examples of the pleaser behavior in my life. I see it occasionally with my boss, but he is not ever pleased. What I do see is trying to please/placate conditioning at the expense of taking care of myself. R/L. Gassho

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Now THAT is the kind of subtle insight workshops are designed to reveal. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate hopes we’ll take a quick look around, accept its “nope not seeing that anymore” answer, and move on. Looking closer reveals the kind of thing you saw; the kind of clarity that continues to transform a life! Gassho

 

Saw (previously confusing) anger at people I’m “helping” when they don’t immediately feel better and acknowledge my awesome helper-ness. Commonly forgo exercise/sleep to get approval at work. Saw unjudgmentally a parent commonly upset at insufficient appreciation gave me idea my behavior controls others’ emotions, helping pass on Two beliefs! R/L

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Great point. Most children assume that what’s going on with adults is the child’s fault, fostering a belief that “what I do controls others.” If I’m good people will be happy leads to a lot of confusion when I’m good and people aren’t happy! Good to see, huh? Gassho

 

Class 2 I absolutely cannot relate to Twos. Egocentrickarmicconditioning/selfhate says"Maybe your too selfish." Huh? Mentor says I do genuinely care about others and do good deeds with no expectations. I'll keep looking. R/L

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That “keep looking” is the key to our success. The first great benefit of the questions is getting to see how quickly egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate jumps in with its “here’s what’s wrong with you.” An encouragement: Give some careful watching, out of the corner of your eye, at that “Mentor.” That has a “maybe someone (ego?) masquerading as the Mentor” feel to it. Usually the Mentor is not so “certain” and doesn’t offer such a black and white response as “you do good deeds with no expectations.” “No expectations” is in the “able to leap tall buildings in a single bound” category for most of us conditioned humans! In other words, we almost always have expectations lurking nearby. Gassho

 

I believe I am unique, we all are. I don’t believe I am indispensible to anyone. Looking back on my life and career I see were others have shown appreciation for my contribution and my perspective. Again, I don’t understand what you want when you say to write about process.

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You’re being asked to see “how” you saw what you saw rather than reporting on what you saw. You and I are standing by the ocean: You say, “Isn’t the ocean one of the great miracles of Life?” to which I retort, “Yeah, and human beings are filling it with trash.” The ocean we would call the “content.” It’s the “what/thing” in the conversation. The process is how we are in relation to that thing. We could label your process as positive and mine as negative, and an awful lot of folks would, but that’s not the point. The point in awareness practice is to start seeing how we’re conditioned, trained, programmed to see everything. “Worry” is a process. What I worry about—the kids, money, health, my relationships, my job, etc.—is the content. In what you wrote it’s possible to see the “conditioned” orientation of your seeing when you talk about “I believe.” We’re conditioned (programmed, trained, brainwashed) to see things, believe things, think we know things, etc. That programming explains why people all over the world have had a great willingness to kill those with different programming! You believe in the wrong God and therefore you must die! See what I mean? (Perhaps reading what I wrote to your neighbor below will add clarity.) Gassho

 

Emphasis on MY love making things better rings true for me. Thought my retirement would take me away from my social work guise but have managed to recreate it- helping a different cohort. Much clearer now what's in it for me, and I work with my own needs better.

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Yes! There’s the real advantage of practicing awareness, isn’t it? We can see what’s behind what we’re doing/thinking/feeling. We get clearer about the conditioning, the beliefs and assumptions, and how all that, in the possession of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, causes suffering. We see what’s going on and we make clearer, kinder, wiser choices. Gassho

 

I enjoy supporting others, but when I sacrifice taking care of the self in order to “serve”, indicates that “service” is now coming from ego and looking for recognition of my self-sacrifice. Ego: “I’ve given up taking care of myself for you, so now you fill that gap.” R/L.

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It is always good to see how very ugly ego is, isn’t it? Seeing what ego does to people, it’s no wonder “service” has such a bad reputation! “Service is great for saints but not for me; I don’t want to be a human sacrifice!” The point you’re making, that “supporting” is not “sacrifice” and, in fact, supporting supports giver and receiver, makes participating something we want to do. Gassho

 

By doing everything I would be “a better person”, “I would never get in trouble”, “I would be appreciated/loved”. I guess this is another illusion of controlling life, when in reality those “would(s)” never happen, false promises by ego, and being a martyr does not guarantee anything, just exhaustion.

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Well stated! “… being a martyr doesn’t guarantee anything, just exhaustion.” Those “aims” of being a better person, not getting in trouble, doing to get appreciated/loved are such “little kid” places, aren’t they? We can see them as a belief system being formed in a very small child’s mind. And most of us are still living them out! It’s not that we don’t want to be a good person or not displease folks or be loved and appreciated, but we want to choose our behaviors from conscious, compassionate awareness rather than from the perspective of a scared little kid, right? Gassho

 

Project another needs my attention more than I need to be centered, then forgo spiritual practice and feel resentful when I’m not appreciated for the sacrifice I’ve made by abandoning my heart. The other doesn’t even know this is going on! Practicing not “either/or”. Gassho R/L

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Two great points! 1) As ego has us twisting ourselves into pretzels to take care of someone else (as if ego is ever taking care of anyone but ego!), the “other person” has no idea we’re in a program of self sacrifice, and 2) it is CRITICAL that we get out of ego’s “world of duality.” We hear people conclude that, “I used to sacrifice myself for others, but not anymore; I don’t do anything for anybody but me now!” That is NOT what we’re going for! We’re learning to see a nonseparate reality in which there is no “self and other,” and giving and receiving are the one word givingreceiving. Gassho

 

Unwillingness to form intimate relationships because egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate KNOWS that other people never give me as much as I give them. Reluctance to have children because of fear of overwhelm. Isolation is the only strategy that ego knows to prevent helper burnout.

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And I suspect you’re seeing that helping egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate the way you are is the burnout, yes? Having that system as our only intimate relationship is a quick trip to a truly miserable life! Having children is sometimes overwhelming, true, but nothing is as overwhelming as self-hate! Lots to see, huh? Gassho

 

I work with people who graduated from MIT/Harvard and who are "important". Ego says I'm "not enough" and unless I work long hours and do work that is tough, stressful then I'm not worthy and don't fit in. Self-care is not allowed in this process. This is ego’s game. R/L

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That is ego’s game! Here’s a question: When you were hired for that job, did they tell you, “You are not important because you don’t have a degree from MIT or Harvard, and therefore you must work very long hours and do all the tough, stressful work”? Was that in your contract? Do people you work with holler across the room, “Hey, Unworthy, come over here and get this tough, stressful work, but don’t do it until after the regular wok day.” It’s so good to see this stuff, isn’t it? When we get hijacked inside conditioned mind, the crapola can sound reasonable and plausible. We get a little distance on it and we can see that, “Nope, I choose unconditional love for this human being—no matter what.” Gassho

 

In close relationships, codependency creeps in: “if I take care of you, then I won’t be alone”. Awareness notices the compulsion to rescue; then ego nurtures resentments. By taking a moment, a breath, centered, then disentangled; I can be present, interacting with authenticity. R/L

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There we have awareness practice in action! All that stuff is going on, and we can either see it or not see it, not suffer or suffer. And, I project you’re seeing the moment-by-moment nature of the process. It’s not like we see this stuff once and that’s the end of it, right? There’s a karmic predisposition. You see it and see through it. Now you’re able to see it when it sneaks in through another door. Very good! Gassho

 

It is not my love that makes the world go round, but my effort and ego. I am a weak #2. Love feels mysterious and unattainable, effort is clear. The effort has led to burnout and real self-care is part of my current practice.

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What you present is a very subtle, very interesting place to explore. The ego story is “love feels mysterious and unattainable.” What’s left once that’s “bought” is “effort.” Why? Well, I don’t know, that’s just how it is. I’ll make a big effort, burn out, and be unhappy because love feels mysterious and unattainable. What if it’s not true that “love is mysterious and unattainable”? (Forget the “feels;” that’s just window dressing.) Here’s the one to get: It’s not possible to know that “love is mysterious and unattainable” unless you know full well what love is and you make sure you don’t attain it! In the same way it’s not possible to say, “I’ve never seen the color red.” Unless you’ve seen the color red you can’t say you’ve never seen the color red. Of course we can say it but it’s horse pucky! You with me? If you don’t know what red looks like you can’t say you’ve never seen it. You can say, “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen the color red,” but you cannot honestly assert that you haven’t seen it. So, love is not mysterious; you know what you know about it and you can know more any time you wan,t and it’s not unattainable because you’ve attained what you’ve attained and you can attain more any time you want. THERE! Just in case anyone thinks there’s nothing to be aware of once we’ve dispatched ego! Gassho

 

"Helping others meet their needs they can forget to take care of their own" resonates strongly. Contributed to a health crisis. Awareness of this pattern for many years, self-care vastly improved yet an ongoing process, gets more subtle. Comparisons to self-less sister can pull me into the old pattern. R/L

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Very wise! You make the essential point: Karma (which all this Enneatype stuff expresses) does not tuck its tail between its legs and slink off because we’ve seen it. That fox is not going to give up on the hen house just because we’ve noticed there’s a fox in the neighborhood. (Somebody stop her with these animal stories!) Karma gets subtler with every sighting. In this way we are assisted by karma to wake up and end suffering. Gassho

 

Taking care of others before taking care of myself is exactly what egocentric karmic conditioning wants because then suffering occurs. The urgency to do conditioning's bidding--taking care of others first-- is another layer of suffering. Know that the oxygen in the airplane must be pulled down First for me. R/L

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Yes, indeed. We see those layers of conditioning, and we begin to work our way through them. Fortunately, we don’t need to “figure out” each of the layers. If we just come to presence—put on that oxygen mask—the layers will be revealed, and in the revealing we step free. Gassho

 

The feeling my ego terms as “pity”. Knowing that all are adequate to their lives, please advise how I practice not feeling pity and wanting to sympathize/console or instantly reach out my hand in help? Do I “come to the rescue” or wait for an invitation? R/L

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First, we don’t need to “own” ego. Ego is just a part of the human condition, like hangnails and colds. Next, we don’t practice “not to,” we practice awareness. You notice you’re conditioned to feel pity. You realize that people are adequate to their life, but that doesn’t stop the kneejerk ego reaction of pity. You’ve seen that, right? So now, when that kneejerk ego reaction happens you can notice it, turn attention away from it, come back to the present—where all is well and folks are adequate—and see what Life drops in as the “now” step for you. With me? (Read what your neighbor below wrote in; it’s a good example.) Gassho

 

The helper notices other helpers and calls them out, saying "I know you, helper." The process sends the helper into the unconscious places so familiar and lonely. Breathe, and notice... "Oh yeah! What do I love?... Hmm, yes, Love!" R/L

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Yes. We see what triggers egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, we see our reaction, we recognize the familiar path to suffering, and we make a thisherenow choice instead. Very helpful! Gassho

 

Like the first class, I had a significant other who was this type also. I have also worked in the social services field and seen how I can work “for the good of others", while trying to gain approval. I have often worked myself to exhaustion. Ego adores that I have taken the Bodhisattva vow.

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Hmm…. I’m with you on all of it until the last sentence. Not following you there. Gassho

 

"I'm too selfish with my time and energy to be a 2" Then I remembered the Psyche101 term "Pathological Accommodation" I learned to vacate my body to survive. "Tell me who you want me to be so you'll love me." Now in middle age I isolate to let go. R/L Gassho

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As with your neighbor above, I’m with you right up to the last sentence. You isolate to let go? Isolating is the fast track to a fulltime, exclusive, intimate relationship with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Not sure how that’s a letting go. Gassho

 

Ego has tied up love and need, I’m terrified when ego says others think I don’t need them or when I think they don’t need me (though my personality is independent by nature I think!). Can see how this sets me up to be wrong person and need ego’s program. R/L

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A most helpful insight, that. Yes? It’s the “heads you lose/tails you lose” again. “Need” is the word ego can jerk you around with, so jerk it does. “They think you don’t need them/they don’t need you” sends you rushing into ego’s arms to “help you meet your needs.” Talk about creepy, huh? Thank goodness we’re getting to see the ego creep in action! Gassho

 

When identified, being a "helper" leads to assuming what is help, believing I'm doing it just to be of assistance, and being surprised/upset when my help is not appreciated. From center, the desire to help arises naturally and the "reward" is being engaged in Life. RL Gassho

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When we see how each of those plays out, we find ourselves much more committed to get out of conditioned mind, get into the moment, and participate in Life. THAT is the importance of practicing awareness. Until we can see those two very different paths, we are doomed to suffer. In thisherenow there is no “either/or,” only this, only here, only now. Nothing left over to suffer over! Gassho

 

Having been told "Helper" doesn't apply to me, it's surprising seeing so much! "You're not good at helping others; it will be uncomfortable." It's a set-up, stopping me from participating then beating me up for failing to! There is so much to expose from hiding. Gassho R/L

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You’re firmly in the I Love Awareness Practice club, aren’t you? There is nothing to fear in Presence; there is everything to fear as we go through life behind egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Ego sets people up then beats people up. Not fun. Awareness practice let’s us see that process and opt out. We are happily exposing! Gassho

 

Notice conditioned process in relationships. Fear of rejection/being excluded or abandoned leads to panic. Acting out of panic leads to more isolation. Until choosing unconditional love and acceptance and shifting to "gratitude" place. R/L

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Yes! It’s a process, isn’t it? We see how it happens, and we learn to re-direct attention. The stories of rejection/exclusion/abandonment start up in conditioned mind, leading to sensations of panic in the body, leading to unfortunate acting out. We see that! Now, when the stories start up, we can recognize them. Now, it’s possible to turn attention away from those stories and bring attention to unconditional love, acceptance, and gratitude. Result? End of suffering! Gassho

 

Seeking approval, neglecting my needs, and feeling owed are familiar. Although immersing myself into other’s projects can feel good when centered (and taking time to take care of me.) Not experienced with others taking care of my basic needs - interesting that I keep thinking it will happen. R/L

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Great catch! That IS interesting, isn’t it? We are conditioned to believe something. We never have the experience of that something, and yet we keep believing it! Huh. Perhaps I’m being bamboozled, here. Yep. I am. Time to let that one go! Gassho

 

Taking Bodhisattva vows was beautiful and a mighty impulse for being a helper that could become imbalanced... OOPS! Solution was to turn inwards and be kind and tender towards this being who means so well and train and learn to refrain for over doing it - one step at a time. Gassho R/L

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Seems that Bodhisattva Vow is not well explained to folks. “Saving all beings” doesn’t mean what people seem to think it means. It’s not feeding, clothing, and sheltering the whole of humanity, burning out, and then ceasing that activity! Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate would very much like people to believe that“saving all beings” is something you DO. If you can’t DO that, you need to quit. Poof, right back into ego’s “world of opposites.” Gassho

 

I recognize the process of “I don't have needs.” My motivation is different (a 1, I feel I have to take care of my own needs and “do it myself”) but the process is the same. I ignore them or don't ask for help, often at my expense. R/L

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You have become the “anti-two,” yes? Needs? Nope. No needs here. No needs there. No needs anywhere. Except, there’s this great need not to have needs. Important to see, isn’t it? Gassho

 

At the expense of taking care of myself, I seek approval so that others will like me, see me as a good, loyal person taking "right action". Same 'ole egocentric karmic conditioning at play again!

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The villain of many disguises! That’s why we use the image of the con artist, bamboozling its way through human lives. “Right action.” Whew. For that reason we talk about “compassionate” rather than “right.” “Right” is too much of a slippery word for karmically conditioned humans! Gassho

 

Irritated by those who insist on "helping" unasked and then "help" by doing it their way. Seeing if I "help" in that way, it's based on the belief they're doing it "wrong" and by "helping" them, they'll do it "right". Sneaky control tactic by egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate disguised as "giving". R/L Gassho

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Now that is some sho nuf clarity on a sneaky process! Thank you for that. (Now there’s an opening to lose the “irritated” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate wants to use to throw you off, yes?) Gassho

 

My twist on having a helper/2 lenses is to avoid my 4-emotional turbulence by focusing on helping others. I'm so distracted from learning to take care myself and even from truly seeing others through my own pain--I concentrate on my goals, forget my needs and forget hearing others.

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How about if we phrase it this way: You’re so distracted by egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, listening to and believing whatever it’s currently putting forth that urgently needs attention, that you’re unable to see anything but what it’s telling you to see/do. Sound about right? Realizing all the “emotional turbulence,” helping others, caring for yourself, seeing others, goals, etc. is just “stuff” ego gets you to focus on rather than being HERE. Seeing that process, rather than getting bamboozled by the “variety” of content, can simplify. Gassho

 

For years, I’ve been a leader in volunteer organizations, where I can very easily slip into this dynamic, taking on more than I really want to, viewing myself as the only competent one, ending up feeling overwrought, drained, resentful. Doesn’t happen when I remember to focus on people, not agenda. R/L

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Might we say doesn’t happen when you’re present rather than following an Enneatype One/Two combo around? One could be focused exclusively on people and if the “gotta be dynamic, take on more than I want to do, see myself as the only competent one” is running the show, overwrought, drained, and resentful could very easily be the result still. Yes? Gassho

 

I deny my own needs so others will like/approve of me, even expecting others to recognize unacknowledged needs. Feeling angry, unappreciated when they don’t. Concurrently, project “neediness,” impatience, judgment onto enneatype 2 sister. So excited to see this process, begin acknowledging my own needs, bringing kindness to being human. R/L

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It is good for us to be sensitive to what the authentic human being needs, that’s true, and even better that we begin to see how the conversation in conditioned mind is jerking us around. You could do everything those voices say you need to do to “meet your needs,” and still the voices would want you to judge and resent your sister. Turning attention away from the voices of ego resolves ALL our issues! Gassho

 

If identified with “two,” feel need to “fix;” need to eradicate suffering from anything/anyone so all (I) will feel happy/loving. This is frustrating and unrewarding. Now we’re all suffering! No way to care for self/others. At presence I just love and be loving, enjoying Life unfolding. Way better! R/L

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Way better! The boat is going down. Taking off my life vest and jumping into the water is not going to help anyone! What to do? Put on a life vest, get a lifeboat, fill the lifeboat with life vests, put the boat in the water, and see who wants to get in and put on a vest. It’s hard to accept but there are those who would rather drown in their “rightness” than to get in the boat. We don’t choose to be one of those, do we? Gassho

 

I get hooked by certainty that I know best. Often giving advice that I don't live by. I get feelings of calm & control, which ego loves but is bogus. I joke that I manic between thinking ‘I should read a self-help book’ & ‘I should write a self-help book’.

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A very serious joking, isn’t it? Your point is an important one: When we do what ego tells us to do, we’re allowed feelings of calm and control. Not always though, right? But we know, even as it’s happening, that the whole thing is bogus. When we face walking the talk, we see ego get hysterical. That’s the place we want to be practicing! Gassho

 

Oh, yes, seeking approval and needing appreciation: the glasses that it’s so easy to forget are removable. Just being aware that they’re there makes all the difference. Much gratitude for this practice! Thank you. Practice, practice, practice.

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Now there’s a statement worthy of painting on a prominent wall: What are the glasses I’m seeing though and have forgotten are removable? There’s always a lens and it’s usually of ego’s making. Just realizing that and stopping to see what it is (what am I projecting, what are the voices saying, what’s the story I’m believing, etc.), can be a GIANT step toward freedom. Gassho

 

See cycle of emotionally, physically impaired adult child asking for financial help. I help to relieve her suffering in the moment. Does this help relieve her suffering in the long-term? Listening to Egocentrickarmiconditioning/self-hate creates fear, sadness, guilt so I help which feels good then listening to Egocentrickarmiconditioning/self-hate creates anger. R/L

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Yep. Seems the commonality there is “listening to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate,” doesn’t it? Listen to that ego-maintenance system and go to fear, sadness, guilt, resentment, anger… Two people doing that same process. Might be helpful for the one who sees it to stop? PS Please don’t capitalize egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate; capital letters are for important things and that system definitely isn’t! Gassho

 

Identified as a Type 2 , I experience an image in my mind of the person I'm feeling sorry for and who is needing my help. This image takes over my attention to the exclusion of what I am needing and keeps me from enjoying and appreciating that person as they are. R/L

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That kind of “ego pity” keeps us from enjoying and appreciating everything, doesn’t it? We can see the egocentricity in it—ego being egocentric, that is. Ego takes over with its faux concern for “someone else” (it is NEVER concerned for anything but itself), and all present moment enjoyment and appreciation vanishes, gobbled up by the insatiable greed of ego. Gassho

 

To make conversation, I often ask people about themselves. This is often accompanied by the thought/feeling: they are more important and interesting than I am. My own sense of self and self-worth get lost. I "survive" it until I can get back to me. R/L

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When you read that over, do you see the ego bamboozle? You ask people how they are (ego doesn’t want to know or care), then the story about how much more interesting and important they are starts up in conditioned mind, then ego “survives” (read gobbles up all that delicious suffering) until ego can get back to focusing on ego full-time—as if it had ever been doing anything else! What’s missing in that story is an authentic human being! You have an R/L practice. Please use it to be in relationship with the human being continuing to be conned into that “to make conversation” crapola. Do you want to “make conversation” or be present with you and others? (That was a rhetorical question; I know the answer!) Gassho

 

I notice the "two" in the need to have everybody around me feel comfortable with their opinions. If someone says something I know to be factually false, I don't challenge it, not to make them uncomfortable. Just saw the belief that MY approval is a big deal for them! R/L

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And that’s such a “right” thing to be doing, isn’t it? I know what is true but I’m not going to say anything as a way of “taking care of” you. Taking care of others is part of the “being the right person” Enneatype One package. Fun to see how it all fits together, isn’t it? Gassho

 

The belief that being helpful to others will produce safety and happiness for me runs very deep. Decades of ego trying to cajole other egos; comical on one level (buying self-help books for others) but bruising for the human as needs were suppressed. Still very hard to acknowledge needs. R/L.

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Actually, we don’t need to acknowledge needs. Or meet them. There’s a lot about that sort of thing when we do workshops like that. But as we continue to get clear, we can see that what people are calling “needs” is usually just ego “wants.” When we are at center, all our needs are met. If we’re not at center we can twist ourselves—and everyone else!—into knots “trying to meet my needs,” but it will never bring us satisfaction. Get that person to the present and in the present watch all “needs” be fulfilled. Gassho

 

Stories are the opposite of two’s: don’t make any difference, can’t tell what people need so can’t help, nothing to offer, don’t bother anyone. Appreciated? For what? Perhaps the other side of the same coin? Only response: drop stop and return to thisherenow. R/L Gassho

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I’m hoping you’re presenting that as “this is what self-hate sounds like to me in conditioned mind.” Or, “If I were to listen to the voices in conditioned mind I would hear those kinds of things so when they start up, I drop them and turn attention to thisherenow.” Yes? If there’s any entertaining or indulging that hatefulness it’s time for an intervention along the lines of “get thee to the Monastery, NOW!” Gassho

 

When I am helpful to "look good" or be the "right person," I feel validated for a while but that passes. When I seek to be of service just because it's what the heart wants, I am completely fulfilled and need no validation whether I "help" anyone or not.. R/L

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Proving “it’s not what, it’s how,” right? The same behaviors can come from very different places and they produce very different results. (The process being the outcome.) Again, when we’re present all our “needs” are met. Gassho

 

For me it is more seeking approval than receiving appreciation. When seeking approval, there is no checking in with myself and my needs. See that what is really needed is my own approval and love and in that, there is care for this person and conditioning is ignored! R/L

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You’re pointing at a very important subtlety: Seeking approval is ego going after what it wants (and never gets because satisfaction is not possible for ego); while receiving appreciation is presence to what is. When we’re present we’re not taking the human being (ourselves) personally so to appreciate that “unique expression of Life” (ourselves) is natural. We care for “this” person and “that” person equally, realizing separation is an illusion. Gassho

 

Seeing that when I offer help from a place of awareness, appreciation and love, are already present. There is no need to seek those things from outside. How sweet it is to realize this and experience love and appreciation without the motivations of conditioned mind! R/L

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Can we get an AMEN!? Gassho

 

Ego says it’s all too much and argues for giving up so that I can take care of myself. The Mentor offers the appreciation I was seeking. Back to gratitude, no becomes yes: dropping the resistance I can be of service to all and take care of myself. R/L Gassho

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We can “be of service to all and take care of myself” because when we drop ego we realize there is no “myself” separate from all, yes? Gassho

 

If I’m lovable because I’m helpful to others, what happens when I’m not able to "do" the things that egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate tells me make me worthy/lovable? If I’m "being," is that good enough? Life says yes. Life says that what’s truly helpful is presence + compassion + unconditional love. R/L.

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I’m going with Life and it sounds like you are too! Gassho

 

Rushing to be the one to do the job. Self righteous almost arrogant on how well I did. I saved the day. Angry not recognized enough. Resentful, I went out of my way and its not recognized. Ego wants acknowledgement; recognition from the outside. Such an inside job. Gassho R/L

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As we see that everything is never enough for ego we find the willingness to stop trying to feed an insatiable hungry ghost. True? Now the practice is to start noticing the “rush to be the one” and begin to cut ego off at that pass! Gassho

 

I had to really think about if I could be a bully and manipulative. Yes. All under the the umbrella of ""caring."" Still inquiring into ""what is my value if I am not needed?. And ""who"" wants to know? Gassho. R/L

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Well, here’s a big hint: Stop thinking. All those “figuring out” questions are ploys to get a person noodling around in conditioned mind rather than being present to thisherenow. When we’re HERE, the Intelligence That Animates will “drop in” clarity for you, and that clarity will answer your questions. When we look to conditioned mind we’re going to get “ego answers.” Those are not the ones we want. Just practice staying in awareness, eyes open, and all will be revealed. Gassho

 

Curious about the often long phone calls sponsoring others. Sometimes plan to get off phone by certain time, but don’t. Want so much for other person to have tools to be free, happy. Also curious if need to be needed” has me helping students overmuch, fostering dependence. Places to look. R/L

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Those are excellent places to look. As I was encouraging your neighbor, those are not things to “figure out” but places to stay open and notice what you see. You might set an alarm for the amount of time you have for the call, let the person know what your time frame is, and watch what conditioning does when it’s time to say goodbye. There will be big clues as you “flush out” ego’s tactics. Gassho

 

LOUD BONG! All aspects of this ring true for “me” --beginning to see it now as one progression. Being controlling, irrational, and cruel is the manifestation of ego’s desperate need to get praise. So, encouraging this human to take care of herself is actually what is kindest /most helpful to all. R/L

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Yes, and for all those living in a “not caring for myself” world, it’s important to realize that the “taking care of myself” that’s required is having the time and space really to get it HOW egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is doing what it’s doing and developing the practice that will put an end to its nefarious deeds. What will take care of us and meet all our needs is ending the abusive relationship with ego in conditioned mind. Yes? That’s what brings the lovingkindness, compassion, and unconditional love we seek. Gassho

 

Seeing an unconscious story that what I do is critical. Then I/ego dismisses any appreciation that is given and the story is changed to "what I do doesn’t matter at all." Then I have to push through that to see that I do what I do for me, my heart. R/L

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That’s a very helpful description of practice. First we bring consciousness to unconsciousness. We watch ego on one side of a duality, then how it jumps to the other side. We stay with the noticing, not getting caught in the content of either of the opposites, and we move to a place of clarity that “all this” (all life experiences) are for me, for my heart, for my awakening. Lovely. Thank you. Gassho

 

Helper: I really don't have needs! Easy to forget (read abandon) self while attending to others. Abandoning this human translates to abandoning life and all it has to offer. Working on presence to this/here/now to meet all needs for self and others. R/L

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Yes. Identification with ego is leaving presence to suffer in a world of “what’s wrong.” As we return to thisherenow (slashes are not necessary as thisherenow is one “thing”), to a nonseparate reality, all needs are met, all desires fulfilled. Gassho

 

I’m exhausted! I want to cry. Who will help me? I see the incessant drive to help others burns me out; has me yearning for care, which I could give myself. Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate makes me feel bad when taking care of myself means I don’t extend help to another. R/L

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All this suffering is ended when we turn to Life rather than egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate for guidance. Life is a perfect time manager! There’s only ever what there is to do in this moment, in this moment. It’s really a perfect system. Then ego comes in with its “no, what you need to do is that and that and that other thing and you need to do them all now so you’re already behind and late but if you feel that urgency and tense up some more you’ll be able to do it all and you’ll be able to be present and enjoy life later.” How do we solve that? Stop listening to those voices. You said it; egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate makes you feel bad. Not just about this content, right? In general. It just makes people feel bad. But if we don’t listen to it, it can’t make us feel bad. That’s the secret. Give all attention to the beauty, peace, love, kindness, and joy of Life and feeling bad is not possible. Gassho

 

Huge resonance with belief that "my love" is vital to others and therefore makes me indispensable; if "I" weren't in the world, loved ones couldn't survive or would be miserable. What a bunch of horse pucky! Nice to know it's conditioning and nothing to take personally or act out of. R/L

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Don’t you just love awareness?! All that stuff that we’ve been conditioned to believe that is making us so miserable is nothing but horse pucky. Nonsense. Bull hocky. Crapola. Not a shred of truth in any of it! Hallelujah. Time to celebrate. Throw a Gratitude Party! Gassho

 

So enjoy being there for others. Love my roles as wife, mother, sister, grandmother, aunt, zen student, business partner. It feeds my soul. Egocentrickarmicconditioning sets up an impossible system of suffering because of frequent scheduling conflicts. Need to be here and there simultaneously. This is such a familiar place. R/L

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Neighbors a couple of doors up got the encouragement I’ll offer to you: We suffer over that kind of thing when we’re looking to conditioned mind for guidance rather than to Life. Life is a perfect time manager! There’s only ever what there is to do in this moment, in this moment. It’s really a perfect system. Ego sets up the scheduling conflicts so there’ll be suffering. When we’re looking to Life, that doesn’t happen. In fact, quite the opposite happens. We have something on the schedule that is suddenly canceled, giving us a bunch of time we thought was already spoken for. We’re always and only ever HERE. If we think there’s a “there,” we can know conditioned mind is up to its dirty tricks! Gassho

 

I see type 2 in me around dismissing my own needs at times. There is often a story of guilt or avoidance for receiving from others too. When present, everyone is included and the experience of helpfulness is completely different than ego's version. Presence is unconditional, inclusive and impersonal. Gassho. R/L

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That’s a great picture of those two different experiences. I have to sacrifice myself for others, but I feel guilty if others do something for me—ego in action. When present, everyone is included and giving and receiving are one. That’s it! Gassho

 

Helping with an ulterior motive isn’t helpful, and I see ego’s desire to do it a lot. Steamrolling ahead without listening to what is actually helpful, is a big clue. I’d say “instead of helping them, I’m trying to help me,” but ego is trying to help itself. R/L

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There you go! Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is always manipulating to get itself center stage but wants us to believe whatever it’s doing is something we’re doing. It’s like a little kid who steals candy and then points to another kid and says, “S/he did it!” Only it’s not so benign, is it? By the time we have a “full grown ego,” we’ve got a nasty customer to deal with. So yes, it steamrolls ahead as a way of creating maximum suffering energy and then blames you for the whole thing. Kind of like having a big meal and then beating you up is the dessert! Gassho

 

No.2 shows up sometimes when there is a person I really want to spend time with, I’ll offer to help no matter what my skill level. For example, with a plumbing problem, I’d offer to help, when what might be really helpful is the number of a plumber. Gassho R/L

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A great image! Thank you for a good laugh! And, that’s where we want to get with this stuff, right? We just have to laugh at its antics, which we can only do when we’ve disidentified from it and are no longer taking it personally. It’s not me, it slides back and forth from being hateful to pathetic, and the best way to handle it is to laugh at it. Gassho

 

If I'm helpful, they'll think I'm a good person. That momentary feel-good pay off is rapidly replaced by the vicious voice reminding me that I'm worthless. I'm not much of a helper in life because I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and receive a painful beating.

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Here we see egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate making a terrible pairing of Enneatype One and Two, yes? You help because you’re told by the voices in conditioned mind that that will make you a good person, and then you’re told you’re not a good person and beaten. It’s ugly, isn’t it? What you wrote is all the information we would ever need that getting out of that abusive relationship needs to be Job # 1 for every human being. Stick around, please, cause that’s what this practice is all about! Gassho

 

This being the most "familiar" enneatype from ego perspective has provided much opportunity for practice. Thankfully the tendency to "help others" is recognized sooner, with reminder to turn away from that, check in with Mentor, and Life, for guidance rather than to others for love and approval. R/L Gassho

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Because that “turning to others for love and approval” isn’t turning to “others” at all. That turning is to conditioned mind, and we’re never going to get either love or approval from conditioned mind. Turning to Mentor, to Life, is the place to turn for love and approval, isn’t it? Gassho

 

HUGE resistance to this exercise. Why?? Recording/listening, it drops in that Two-style motivations underlie my most precious relationships, those with my daughters. Disheartened: I’m deluded about the “purity” of my love then realize that’s just another story ego can beat me with! Without the story, relationships are fine!

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HUGE success with this exercise! Gotta love that R/L, huh? Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate just can’t hide out and pull its shenanigans when we use R/L to turn the light of conscious, compassionate awareness on what’s happening. Gassho

 

Identified as a Two, I believe ego's con game that being needed means I'll never be abandoned. When the efforts go unnoticed I feel invisible and yep, abandoned. R/L

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So important! “Identified as a Two, I believe ego’s con game…” We could just pare that down to “Identified, I believe ego’s con game…” couldn’t we? And the result of “identified” is always “abandoned.” It’s so helpful to see the overarching process driving the focus on a particular content in getting the distance we need to dis-identify. Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate tells opposite lies: "you are so superior you should help others who aren't you" and also "you are so pathetic you may as well help others who have a chance to actually be someone." I feel responsible for others' happiness and lack thereof. Hard to even allow my own preferences to surface.

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It’s helpful to see you’re caught in a “heads you lose; tails you lose” story, isn’t it? Now you can start looking to something that will be truly helpful—ceasing to believe those voices that talk about “being responsible for other’s happiness.” Consider this: Do you believe others are responsible for your happiness? Do you believe someone else can do something that will give you the lasting happiness you seek? I bet the answer to those questions is “no, I don’t believe that” because we can see the notion is bogus. Now we can extrapolate, right? If no one is responsible for your happiness, it’s most likely that you are not responsible for anyone else’s. Uh huh. Drop that and what are you left with? Gassho

 

Can relate to the Two’s need for approval and to how they can lose sight of their own needs while in pursuit of approval. Time and Practice have shown that participation is a way to feel belonging/contribution without the need for individual recognition/approval does not result in resentment!! R/L

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Great point! We don’t need to “do” to “get.” We can participate, in a “we’re all in this together, giving is receiving and receiving is giving” way. That’s an experience of “no self and other,” isn’t it? Very helpful. Gassho

 

An extended period of ill-health has highlighted how I’ve identified as a helper. As mother/ teacher I had plenty of opportunity to be selfless and resentful (type1). It’s possible that much of my current health challenge had to do with taking care of others at my own expense. R/L.

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Here’s an encouragement: Framed that’s way it can be easy for egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate to blame you for your ill health. If there is any “fault,” I’m betting it could be pinned on the voices in conditioned mind that were directing you to be “selfless” and then resentful. In fact, whatever the issue, when we look for “how is this resulting in suffering” we’re going to find ego at the root of it. Know what I mean? Gassho

 

When identified as type two, I believe I can and should be who ego says people need me to be. Ego says "Hide desire for appreciation. Everyone else is more important." "It's embarrassing that you try so hard". Practice with projection offers freedom from these beliefs. R/L

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That’s a great practice tip for all of us: Watch the projections. What are the voices saying about me, about them, about that? Follow those back and find ego spreading its lies and rumors! As we recognize egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate at work, we can let it go and come back to thisherenow. Freedom! Gassho

 

Working on the assignment, had a sense of my enneatype being the “main plot”, with all the other enneatypes being sub-plots designed to keep the attention busy so the core belief of the enneatype remains well hidden and out of sight of unconditional love. Until now! R/L

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Go Super Sleuth! Do keep in mind as you’re watching all this that there is no “my” in any of it. There’s the “main plot” and all the “sub-plots” (we could say dominant karma and lesser karmas, dominant personality and sub-personalities), but they’re all ego. No reason to own any of it. “You” are the awareness that is aware of all of it all. Gassho

 

Characteristics of the two arise when I feel responsible for others’ physical or emotional well-being. This leads to neglecting self-care (eg morning practices when I have company), which leads to feeling like a martyr/victim. Underlying this behavior is a belief that I must act “selfless” to be accepted. R/L

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And there’s a “world of opposites” view of “selfless’ that most of us have been conditioned to believe, right? Selfless means I give up me for you, which results in victim/martyr resentment, and selfish means I take responsibility for caring for me, which results in plenty of energy to be generous and kind. That’s a confusion in conditioned mind that works well for ego, doesn’t it? Gassho

 

I perceive my 21 yr old daughter needs something. I offer to help cause I think she does not have the time. I spend a lot of effort set things up she needs to do some it it. I resent when she does not do it. End up max at her wishing I had not done it

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Talk about a coup for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate! Gosh, if we waited for people to ask us when they want something, what would ego be able to grouse about, huh? Gassho