Enneagram Class 1

FINAL CLASS 1 POSTING

I remember periods of self-criticizing thoughts, self-criticism and BIG fear of making a mistake. All of these impact my capacity on efficiently work in my personal project as a coach. I delay a lot of actions thinking and feeling that I need something more for my action to be perfect. R/L

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And, we get to see that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will keep us there noodling forever rather than getting in the flow of Life unfolding to participate with Life. It’s funny when we step back from it to see that the obsession is about “making a mistake,” when the only real “mistake” we can make is living in fear with ego. (Even that isn’t really a mistake, but you know what I mean.) Gassho

 

Doing the assignment, I watched myself get identified with all of the One characteristics mentioned. I watched duality as I decided if I showed One characteristics. I watched judgment as I didn't like the person who is a One. Every characteristic is a distraction leading to suffering.

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Well seen! Yes, the whole thing is an egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate extravaganza designed to keep a human being in suffering. When we see it for what it is, we start being able to see the alternative to being caught in that web of distraction. For instance, you begin to see that you’re seeing the identification rather than being the identification. As we see that, we can see that we are the awareness observing rather than the process being observed. That’s what we do in awareness practice, stepping back and stepping back to see a bigger and bigger picture. Gassho

 

Something comes up and I want to do the best I can. Not a bad sentiment. However it is followed by agonizing evaluations about what is my best, how does it rate with others’ best, will others think it is my best, etc. All noble intentions lost.

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Beautifully laid out. There’s that pure wish to do our best. Then the layers of horse pucky start getting shoveled on. Before long even we’re not in touch with that first noble intention. That argues for stopping, dropping it, picking up the recorder, making a recording of the noble intention, and listening to that recording often! Gassho

 

Oneness triggered by perceived racism. Based on fear of harm to my wife and children who are/were black. But it's egocentrickarmicconditioningselfhate creating story. No actual present harm threatened. Pushes belief in moral superiority and what should be. Causes head-in-the-sand response. End up afraid-angry but nothing to do. Anger goes underground. R/L

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This is another wonderful example of how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate turns the best in us against us. You love people who are targets for racism. You’re sensitive to all people subjected to racism. That’s a tender place in your heart. What do the voices of self-hate do with that? Turn that sensitivity into judgment, comparison, shoulds, fear, and anger. Anger goes underground, and so does the tender sensitivity. True? At the risk of sounding like a song from the 60s, the world needs Love. We need Unconditional Love. All God’s children need Unconditional Love—and I don’t mean just the two-legged ones! Gassho

 

Can’t stand these characteristics in others (projection)! The micro-managers don’t leave room for the rest of us to be in charge. Relentless standards. Seeing how tense & angry it makes me. Life politely waits until I drop the rock. It seems blocked otherwise. R/L

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This is very good to see, isn’t it? I judge you with the same standards I hate you for judging me with! And the karma goes round and round…. What a gift that Life is so very patient and kind, huh? Waiting patiently as we flail around and find ourselves. Gassho

 

Perfection leads to comparison which leads to being conflicted. Conflicted over the emotional, creative and energy “units” in a day and how they are spent being perfect vs. a heart’s desire. Working a 10 hour day and then conflicted over work/life balance or how I perceived. Is my perfection a facade?

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Are you asking me that? Did you read what you wrote? What do you see? Gassho

 

"I" am not a One - said now laughingly responding late (critically comparing/wanting response to be perfect) because I'm too busy (doing good for others). Process shines a bright light Essence vs Personality. R/L Gassho

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It’s funny, isn’t it, to see how clear this stuff is when we step back from the ego bamboozle of conditioned mind and look at it unflinchingly. We can see both of those possibilities for “identification,” Authenticity and egocentricity. Now our practice is to sense which is which and how to choose the one and ignore the other. Funny and fun! Gassho

 

What I see is that "perfectionism" is about ego's standards. When I am working hard to make things "perfect" I am actually allowing ego to dictate what is acceptable and unacceptable. All that attention on ego causes me to miss the beauty of what is. R/L

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You got it! The price we pay for indulging ego is that we don’t get to have the life Life is offering us. We don’t get to have the beauty of what is. We get to slink around in the negativity of ego’s “something wrong/not enough,” believing the voices that say we’re alive yet rarely able to enjoy the beauty, wonder, joy, and kindness that IS Life. Rarely. Not never. If it were never, this would truly be hell. Blessedly, even in the pit of near absolute ego identification, there are glimpses of the light. Gassho

 

My expectations of people and myself constantly put me into a state of frustration, irritation and self-criticism. Reading through the exercise and assignment, I immediately sunk from Essence (excitement about learning) to personality (frustration/don't know what's expected/right answer). And so, I procrastinated. R/L

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This is where we say, “Good job!” right? You are practicing awareness. You saw the whole thing play out. The choice now is whether to let ego (the source of those expectations, by the way) go to a “you need to believe all this and take it personally” place or to stay in awareness and say “thank you” for the insights that move you closer to freedom. I bet you’re going with choice #2, yes? Gassho

 

Sense of urgency/overwhelming conviction that "I'm right" has created avalanches of suffering in the past. Now if "this is SO wrong and I need to fix it right now!" pops up, it's a signal to drop into stillness and ask "who says so?" Simply life-changing. R/L Gassho

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And now you get to practice with that on subtler and subtler levels, right? Gassho

 

Perfection: eager to sabotage from the start. Stress over "perfect" response freezes brain, causes restlessness and desire to engage in addictive behaviors. Keeping this up until it is "too late" to send response effectively stops any momentum at the beginning, then it can beat me up for not following through.

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As with your neighbor two doors up, this is a cause for great celebration, isn’t it? You’re seeing the whole ego/karma mess clearly, which is the point of awareness practice. This is not perfection practice or even self-improvement practice, it’s awareness practice—and that’s what you’re doing. Do a process map of this (in big letters) and put it in a prominent place and start making lots of recordings that keep these insights alive, please. Gassho

 

Paying attention I can see how egocentric karmic conditioning pushes me to be perfect, bamboozles me to achieve its standards, criticizes me and tells me I don't do anything right. The mentor is kind wise compassionate shows me how to love myself unconditionally and to ensure I know whats true, R/L

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The choice becomes clearer and clearer, doesn’t it? In each moment we can go with ego’s relentless “something wrong/not enough” or we can go with Life’s (in the form of the Mentor) unconditional love and compassionate guidance. Gassho

 

Ignoring what is and fighting for the way I think it should be creates tension! It also keeps me from ease, seeing what is available and appreciating it. R/L

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As I was just saying to your neighbor, the choice between those two perspectives gets clearer day by day. You’re now able to see how ego (being an illusion of someone living outside Life’s unfolding) is constantly fighting to maintain its illusory position. There’s tremendous tension in keeping up that illusion of separation. It’s the stress that’s killing people! Good to see you don’t need to do that, yes? Gassho

 

Seeing how reactivity to life situations comes from looking for “what’s right/wrong.” The tipoff: these life situations are not big deals and can be addressed quite simply. Process: anger, repressing anger, and grousing, which substitutes for taking simple action to address the situation. Now: look for the simple action! R/L

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Yes! No situation is too insignificant for ego to come at with negativity and rejection! Ego is NO! to the YES! that is Life. Life unfolds; ego says “NO!” and digs in imaginary heels to resist what is. Can it alter what is? Of course not. But that doesn’t stop the conversation in the head that makes people suffer. Ego is like a little kid believing a temper tantrum is going to control unwanted circumstances. After a while the temper tantrum becomes the identity and the situations are just an excuse for indulging one. Gassho

 

Practicing with caring for this being while caring for very sick loved one and seeing how the default is compulsively doing work as a way to control anything/something! "Doing work" trumps everything sometimes; even practice. Seeing belief, "if I just keep working, we'll be okay." Plan; meditate now. R/L

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That’s good to see and very sad, too, isn’t it? We can see a child’s “magical thinking” in it. “If I just be good nothing bad will ever happen.” “Doing work” feeds ego and leaves the human tired and drained. Time to give that good, sincere person a break and take away ego’s ability to act out its hateful manipulations. Gassho

 

Getting behind in Project Joy because of ego’s “never good enough/needs to be perfect”. Realized that it only takes one second to be HERE and get the clarity to contribute to the assignment. Ask and listen. Now glad there is no time for noodling. R/L

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BRILLIANT! Absolutely brilliant. What a blessing that it only takes a split second to get HERE and receive Life’s guidance. “Ask and listen.” NO TIME TO NOODLE! Hope everyone sees that as clearly. Gassho

 

Habitual thought: “‘I am one who does it right.” Saw egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate actually always focusing on past or possible “errors.” Perfectionism’s goal is not to do it “right”/”improve” (and so be safe) but suffering over how wrong “I” is. It doesn’t do what it claims to do! Dropping, he’s okay. R/L

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Yes, indeed. Ego lies. It promises and never delivers on the promises. Your statement, “Dropping, he’s okay,” is a critical insight. We will never be okay until we drop it! The only “problem” we humans have comes from listening to and believing voices in conditioned mind that claim there’s “something wrong/not enough.” Drop that and we’re just fine! Gassho

 

I was looking at my experience of pleasure as an escape patch from always being the right person who is "doing what needs to be done" - i.e. fixing what's wrong. When I'm present, on the other hand, pleasure is my whole life, it's woven through the whole fabric. R/L

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You make another compelling argument for being here. When we’re not present, we’re caught in ego’s world of “you gotta,” which is followed by ego’s “do X to reward yourself,” and slowly it dawns on us that the reward is not rewarding. Blessedly, we come to that conclusion via the realization that what’s rewarding/what’s truly pleasurable is thisherenow. Gassho

 

Sometimes it seems as though the question is, how am I NOT a Perfectionist One?! The focus on knowing what’s right, being good, being right keeps the attention on an imaginary duality, hostage to the belief that figuring out and doing what’s right is the RIGHT thing to do. Gassho

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Exactly so. The person told by conditioning that they’re a “people pleaser” is actually a “people dis-pleaser,” since the only thing they’re allowed to see is the times (imaginary and real) that someone is dis-pleased with them. In the same way the “perfectionist” is, as you note, a not-perfectionist, only allowed to take in ego’s assessment of the times they’re wrong, not meeting the standard. Gassho

 

When identified with perfectionism there is a bad, wrong choice to make. Fear says, make this choice because it’s the good, right thing to do. Life says flip a coin, keep practice first, presence will show the way. Choosing to trust unconditional-love to lead, and NOT conditioned mind! R/L

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That’s practice! When we’re identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, there is no good choice. When with Life, there’s no bad choice! Gassho

 

I have difficulty when people are deceitful and when they lie. Ego wants revenge and to make it right and becomes obsessed with action. Then ego turns on me as if I was the cause of it and if I were perfect, they wouldn't be that way. R/L Gassho

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No one ever promised us egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate would be logical, rational, or sensible, or that it wouldn’t lie at every turn! We’re seeing how it is and what it does, and the seeing will set us free—if we don’t continue to listen to it, believe it, and do what it says. This is where the image of “it’s a ping pong match and you’re the ball” is helpful to see clearly. You’re smacked from one side of a duality to the other and then blamed for the whole game! Gassho

 

My perfectionist side totally holds me hostage, to the point of not submitting my class 1 submission. So I am perfunctorily responding. I AM seeing how this perfectionist side is involved with literally everything in my life and mind.

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Good! Now begin to see that NONE OF IT is “you.” There’s a voice in your head talking (ego) and ego is listening. This is actually ego talking to ego. Discovering that “you” are the awareness that’s observing the whole thing shows you the doorway to freedom. Gassho

 

This speaks to one of my areas of greatest struggle. I grew up always watched for missteps. Now I am the watcher, of myself and others. Behind this mask, it is hard to be present, joyful, compassionate, to appreciate the “is,” not seek the “should.” It’s living half a life. R/L

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It’s not even half, actually. Here’s the first place to drop the story: Just about everyone grew up being watched for missteps and internalized that process. That’s a big part of what gave ego its opening to take over a human life. Now you’re seeing how that’s playing out currently. That’s the place to focus. Doesn’t matter what happened in childhood. Doesn’t matter what happened a minute ago! You’ve seen the system in action and your job—your opportunity—is to remove it from office! You can see that what you’re seeking is being kept from you because attention is habitually directed to conditioned mind. Time to break that habit, get current, turn attention to thisherenow, and have that joyful presence that is yours to have. Gassho

 

Conditioning's habitual response around perfectionism hi-jacks my willingness to simply try something in many areas of my daily life...whether it be a new activity or continuing to do something that I know brings comfort & joy. Perfectionism hobbles my life force. Noticing it's not so subtle language is the key. R/L

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There you are! When we turn attention to the process, we realize there’s nothing subtle at all about how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is doing what it’s doing to us. This is very helpful because seeing the problem clearly gives us the solution, yes? You know that the conversation in conditioned mind is controlling you. Now you know you need to stop listening to it, believing it, and doing what it says. Voila! Freedom. Gassho

 

After looking at what is wrong, I allow myself to stop taking action. I find people, in very different life circumstances, and compare my situation to theirs, and find mine lacking. I strive for improvement; maybe if I go in this direction, I’ll find my way out of dissatisfaction? R/L

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If that’s a serious question, the only serious response can be NO! Maybe if you noodle around in conditioned mind as it compares you to other people (gosh, unfavorably as it turns out), and listen to its self-improvement plans you’ll find satisfaction? Maybe if you follow the guidance of a crazed, psychotic dictator you can find freedom…. Have I convinced you I don’t see that as a good direction? Read what your classmates are up to and the responses they’re receiving and you’ll get a sense of a much better direction to be taking. Gassho

 

Have to get everything right to be safe, resulting in constant scanning for how to be right, feeling fearful. “Right” is never defined. Safe from what is never mention. When I drop veil of resentment, I see other people not getting it “right” AND being fine. SO helpful, thrilling too.

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Thrilling! Awareness is THRILLING. What you’re getting to see is that the only thing we have to fear is the fear-mongering ego creating imaginary fearful scenarios so it can continue to grab all the attention. Drop that and, yep, thrilling is a great word to describe the result. Gassho

 

My process is looking to what’s wrong with me, constantly scanning, comparing, and criticizing myself and others. This serves to keep the focus internal and small, squarely in control of egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate. Oy. Good to remember it’s not ME having these thoughts but a process I’m caught in. R/L

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YES! It’s essential to remember that—hence the importance of R/L. Stepping back from it we can see how utterly egocentric that focus is, right? I, I, I followed by me, me, me followed by mine, mine, mine and absolutely nothing except negativity available for anyone else. The process is completely self-serving but packaged as “an effort to be a good/right person.” As soon as we see it as the egocentric horse pucky it is, we are highly motivated to drop it! Gassho

 

Feel depressed that the house is not perfect and anxious that I am not remedying. The perfection of all that is would accept that I am doing the best I can and however the house looks, it is not worth my peace of mind to worry about it. R/L

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You’re not depressed that the house is not perfect; you’re depressed because all your attention is on an energy-sucking conversation in conditioned mind about how the house isn’t perfect and it’s your fault. The house has nothing to do with it! If it weren’t the house, it would be something else. It was something else before, wasn’t it? It’s always been something. There’s always been something that wasn’t right and it’s always been your fault! It is indeed a process, and as you drop that process you’ll have all the energy required to do whatever Life is calling you to. That might just be to take care of the house! Gassho

 

I see that Perfectionist One when I want to try something new or to do R/L---the voices come in with, "Wait to see what others do with it first---and then follow their lead. You probably won't do it just right. Find some examples before you dive in. R/L with much effort!!!

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How about this: Drop the effort and just R/L. What it all comes down to is this question: Do you want the Unconditional Love of Life or do you want ego? That’s the question for all of us all the time. In each moment we can give attention to the Intelligence animating us or to ego. It really is that simple. Effort is ALWAYS ego. Gassho

 

Have been a dominant one for most of my life. Needing to be right brought much suffering. Through practice have seen clearly different way of being. New awareness was watching movement into resentment. Instead practice finding joy in what I choose to do or make a different decision. R/L Gassho

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There we have it! You’re paying attention. You’re seeing how it works and you’re choosing where to give attention. That’s the whole deal. Congratulations. Keep watching! Gassho

 

Resistance to write. Don't see myself as a perfectionist .There seems to be a hiarchy of someone as special and important that I never can fit in or get included so I always settle for feeling less then and feeling bad . Good to see R/L

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Yes, and isn’t that whole thing coming from a “perfectionist” perspective? You don’t meet the standard of perfection so you don’t count and you don’t get to participate. Do you see that whole process is happening in conditioned mind? The resistance, the “I don’t see myself,” the hierarchy, the comparison to those that are special and important, the feeling less than and feeling bad are all happening in an ego-maintaining conversations in conditioned mind. “Your” contribution is being the human whose life-force is being used to do all of that! Gassho

 

Saw 1 characteristics at recent consultation with a health professional. Noticed the fear of criticism, wanting to be already doing everything "right" created tension, less openness to receive potentially helpful suggestions. ! It was hard to allow someone else to be the "expert". Very helpful to see process so clearly. R/L

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That’s a great point! Being the “perfect expert” closes us off to the assistance and support Life offers. Then the voices can beat us up for being closed, plus get a lot of mileage out of some fear-mongering around what’s wrong physically. Don’t you love the fact that you were present enough to see all of that? Throws a person right into the gratitude club, doesn’t it? Gassho

 

A focus on "self-wrongness" often dominates my life narrative. I know that this narrative doesn't serve me, but I have so much fear around being happy and leaving the relative "safety" of my ego-centric karmic conditioning. I think that this kind of subjective personal judgment precludes unconditional love.

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Oh, you are so very correct. That’s the whole point of self-hate. Let’s break it down, shall we? Ego has fear. Ego is fear. Ego is, in fact, terrified that you will leave the “safety” of the prison it has constructed for you, that you will choose happiness—which only happens in the present, where ego can’t be—and that you will choose the unconditional love that is the end of ego. That’s the whole story. So, yes, you’re seeing it as it is, it’s just got you believing language and meanings that protect it. Encouragement: Drop the “my” around everything ego. It is not you, it doesn’t care about you, it doesn’t like you, it is not on your side, and it will keep you in suffering for just as long as it can. You’re not safe with it; you’re imprisoned by a hateful abuser. Gassho

 

My anger is like tree roots spilling out resentment at his need to control, my irritation over small matters. A self who does not want to let go of anger. It's voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self hate that tell me to "tighen up get ready to defend yourself." Seeing that, I can relax. R/L

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Very true. So, how about you drop the “my” when you describe it? It’s not you. There’s a “self” that doesn’t want to let go of anger, wants to be irritated, wants to talk to you about needing to tighten up and get ready to defend yourself. That’s not you; that’s egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, the illusion of a self that is separate from life. You’ve seen it for what it is and now you’re in the process of disidentifying from it more and more. Good, huh? Gassho

 

I seem to default to perfectionist one often. Particularly around work, gift-giving, and house guests (when wanting to impress). Get caught up in comparison, duality, righteous indignation, etc. Focused on something wrong creates experience of everything is wrong. R/L

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Oh, what a good point! “A focus on something wrong creates an experience of everything is wrong.” Ego gets a foot in the door, right? It only needs a tiny opening, just a flick of attention to it, in order to take over. It can go global in a hurry! You’re seeing where and how this takeover happens, which is very helpful. Now you can go on the hunt. You know where it’s likely to show up and you can be ready. As you flush it out, you’ll see more of its hiding places. What fun! Gassho

 

Ego tries to convince me that I am superior to everyone, creating I, then it tries to tell me all the things I've done, am doing, and will do wrong. I count my steps to ten then start again. Right or wrong. R/L

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Yes, we must take a “whatever” attitude toward egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. “You did that wrong and you’re doing that wrong and you’re gonna do that wrong,” to which we smile and respond, “Whatever.” We just can’t get involved! It’s a “yeah, sure, right” situation. An “uh huh, you betcha,” sort of deal. And we just keep on counting those steps down the path to freedom! Gassho

 

I can see some characteristics of a One in me, particularly at work. There IS one right way, why doesn't everyone see that? Anger and resentment against the slackers whose work I end up doing for them. These tendencies have diminished over time, but are still lurking.

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They do sound rather right there at the tip of the tongue, don’t they? Perhaps they’d like a larger share of your attention, but it sounds as if you’re rationing them! Might be interesting to notice just when that still happens. What’s going on? What are the triggers? What are the beliefs and assumptions that can still get you going? Gassho

 

Looking for office space. Believing there is a 'right' location. Delaying decision out of fear of making a mistake. Taking a 'save the world' approach: preemptive self-sacrifice to choose an inconvenient location to rescue the most needy, without evidence this inconvenience will benefit anyone. R/L

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Wow. You’re seeing it and what you’re seeing is nasty, isn’t it? (I hope people are seeing how often that “procrastination for fear of making a mistake” is coming up in this exploration.) First a person gets paralyzed by the fear, and then all the other stuff can get added. Great to see that this “you have to sacrifice yourself” is for absolutely no good reason. These are the unexamined beliefs and assumptions awareness practice is designed to bring into the light of day! Gassho

 

Conditioning has me perfect a moral position, which I advertise to help other people see their shortcoming in this area. I dislike myself for having done this, so I abandon those people and move onto someone new, repeating the process, which leads to separation from life and people. R/L

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This is one of those, “Really hard to see if ego gets hold of it,” and “Really good to see when Life shines a compassionate light on an ego bamboozle,” right? Now that you realize what is behind that behavior, you can assist the person who got bamboozled to seek a new direction using the Mentor’s wisdom and guidance for support. This is very good, huh? Humbling and good. Gassho

 

One "one's bamboozle" I'm susceptible to is "everyone else works faster". Actually they often do, but thank God (and practice) my reaction lately has been "so what?". Also spending energy comparing my efficiency to that of others doesn't seem like a good strategy to improve it. R/L

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Perhaps you have other qualities than efficiency to recommend you? I bet so. And, yes, a focus on thisherenow will often improve our efficiency, productivity, and general jolly wellbeing, which can be a pleasure to work with! Gassho

 

Currently caught in content that brings up many One characteristics. Anger arises out of feeling trapped that there are no workable alternatives to difficult family circumstance. Resentment follows judgement of others ineptitude or lack of caring. A very suffering place. Finding light switch difficult.

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The Third Patriarch of Zen encouraged us with, “Do not seek after enlightenment; simply cease to cherish opinions.” That’s a common theme put forth by all great spiritual teachers. (Not to be confused with the interpretations by others of what the great spiritual teachers taught.) That could be the “workable alternative” you’re seeking. Drop all opinions—all opinions are ego opinions—and see if you find that light switch. Removing one ego from a situation can produce extraordinary results! (I can imagine you might be hearing some push back from those very voices that want to convince “those others” are the problem!) Gassho

 

As I sit stalled, and so hesitant to reply to this first assignment, I am amazed to hear how loud the voice of egocentric karmic conditioning/self hate has become! I R/L and decide there is no right/wrong to this exercise. It just is, and I see how I can let go.....and ignore the voices.

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Hearing how loud the voices are is a big part of everything we do in awareness practice. People hear all sorts of “reasons” not to come on retreat or not to come to the Monastery, even why not to do a class like this. All those reasons sound so plausible. But the real “reason” not to practice is that when we participate we get to see and hear egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate in all its hideousness. That’s what you’re getting to see and you’re seeing how to ignore them! What a deal, huh? Gassho

 

I can identify with this filter of perfectionism. The constant evaluating, thinking there is a "right" way, a way to value myself and my actions by deeming their "rightness". Also a way to create separateness by other's "wrongness". Keeping me from what is happening by judging it.

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Great insights! And, I project you can see how that whole process serves ego well and you not at all, yes? There’s a voice in the head monitoring you, judging you, judging others and making you believe you’re doing the judging, and best insight of all, keeping you separate from others and Life by keeping you in judgment rather than presence. Well done! Gassho

 

I have a compulsive need to act correctly, am constantly monitoring myself and being compared with others. Attention on self-criticizing thoughts. Fear of failure leads me to procrastinate and be very indecisive. Do gooder--do what should be done rather than what one wants to do Pleasure as an escape valve

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Classic One, right? Isn’t it a relief to realize it’s a “program” and not you? It’s critical to keep in awareness that ego is doing the monitoring, judging, criticizing, and “shoulding,” not you. It’s all being done to you, not by you. Good job! Gassho

 

My authentic human being enjoys taking care of parents. However, why should I give in standing up for my rights of equality with responsibility-shirking brothers when their not- frowned- upon behaviour really angers me. Why surrender to their typically male prerogative?

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Is this you demonstrating the Enneatype One in action? If so, good job! We can see how much suffering there is in the righteousness of the One. Interesting to see the right/wrong spring to the fore, even though you “enjoy taking care of parents.” For the Enneatype One it’s going to be a “matter of principle,” right. Doesn’t matter if I enjoy what I’m doing, others should be made to “do their part.” Gassho

 

Intention: Pay attention to small decisions regarding food. Conditioning says, "You can/should pay attention to ALL small decisions (perfection, self-improvement becomes the goal)," then, when I "fail", self-hate tortures me, talks me into bad decisions, and the cycle begins again. Freedom lies in seeing process, not achieving outcomes. Gassho R/L

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Indeed, that is so. And, you are seeing that process, aren’t you? As we say around practice, “the process is the outcome.” We will never “get” anything other than what we’re “doing” in any moment. Seems to me you’re clear and ready to drop that voice of conditioning that’s the only difficulty in all these areas. True? Gassho

 

Perfection shows up in the form of resistance. Also sneaks in even with practice. If I do not practice "perfectly," egocentrickarmicconditioning/self hate bamboozles me into believing I do not measure up. The real gift is seeing this for a lie. R/L

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Amen to that! It doesn’t matter what egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is trying to pull over on us as long as we see it. We’re practicing awareness, not ego’s yammer about perfection. Again, as we see that “perfection” is pure ego, our willingness to drop it goes way up! I have to be perfect so that what? I’ll be better than you? Better than everybody? The best person ever? Can’t hide the ego in that program! Gassho

 

Amazed - the emotion of anger internalized is resentment! I definitely get hit with virtuous and responsible’ and circumvent my own desires for that which should be done’! But the outcome’s horrible! Time to look for middle ground for what needs to be done and what the human needs. R/L

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Very good! Time to look to Life instead of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, right? In my experience Life will never ask us to do more than is good for us. As soon as we hear a conversation about “should be done,” we can know we’ve slipped over into egoland. Gassho

 

In a group setting / meeting, karmic conditioning story is something wrong. This human is talked out of participating, fear of making mistake, sounding "stupid". Isolates me from life. Conditioning story is there will be "next time" but plays the same game next time. R/L

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Talk about “good to see,” huh? It’s controlling you. That’s all that’s going on. It doesn’t care about making mistakes or you sounding stupid—it just wants you to do what it says all the time. Why? Because that will ensure you’re looking to it, giving all attention to it, all the time. The “all the time” is a critical piece of this. There can’t be any gaps in the attention it gets because in those gaps, it disappears! That’s what we’re going for. You can use your R/L here. Make a recording you listen to right before the meeting. Lots of reassurance and unconditional love and support. Make a recording you listen to right after the meeting reminding you there will be no post mortems, no reviews. And stick to that! Okay? Don’t entertain a single word those voices have to say. Lots of praise and support for the brave human stepping up. Gassho

 

The egocentrickarmicconditioning/self hate claims that I am all characteristics. A fear is that if I am One, then what the rest. Content is advocating for healthcare and deep resentments for having to with ACOA work. Focusing on the wrong, distracts from whats right in my thisherenow with gratitude. R/L

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The essential piece is captured in, “Focusing on the wrong distracts from being in thisherenow with gratitude.” Notice I’ve altered the sentence. It’s not “what’s right” and it’s not “my” thisherenow. The fear, the resentment, all the stories keep us from being present. Period. That’s how the suffering happens. You know it’s possible to be present, in gratitude. There. That’s it. All the rest is just crapola aimed at causing suffering. Gassho

 

Ego's constant criticism of me and others is vicious, petty, and relentless. It keeps me separate and small. At home alone, I'm better able to dis-identify. At work or in public ego hits with everything it's got. I see it, but am unable to stay above water. It's exhausting. R/L Gassho

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Ego does exhaust, that’s for sure. For that reason we are practicing dropping it everywhere, all the time. That “dropping” is a process. You’ve seen how vicious, petty, and relentless it is, yet you still believe it. That’s where the work is. It’s a disembodied voice in the head. It has no power. It has no life! It spews mean and nasty stuff around the clock. If it were a radio you could change the channel or turn it off. That’s what we’re learning to do. Get a massive number of recordings to remind you that it is an imaginary, nasty bully. Add to those recordings the fact that it can’t do anything to anybody except be vicious. Add that you don’t need to believe it, and in fact can begin to see it as a joke. It’s a buffoon. Okay? Rest and relaxation is ahead! (I just had an exchange with your neighbor two “doors” down that you might enjoy.) Gassho

 

Ego says I/they can't be perfect this way. There's shame that I know something is bad yet want it OR frustration that others don't follow my "wisdom" so we can all be better-off. Seems desire for Love that's perceived as lacking motivates, so why not practice going to Love? R/L

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Oh, what a truly BRILLIANT question! I sense you’re going to do that. Am I right? Say yes! Gassho

 

Every word in the description perfectly described “my” experience of life. How wonderful to spend the day watching those tendencies arise and seeing them for what they are: not me, not reality, just a karmic lens. Particularly dropping “the compulsive need to act on what seems correct.” Freedom! R/L.

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Don’t you just LOVE practice? That’s the rest and relaxation I was just promising to your neighbor—we just watch it. Has nothing to do with us. It’s just an old movie. Soon we’ll turn it off and just sit. Or go for a walk. Or have a cup of tea. Or…. Gassho

 

The voices constantly comment about what’s wrong with commands to fix it. “Should, Should, Should” Noticing how egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate sets me up to fix problems and then complicates the “solution” via six, my dominant type. Perceiving without problems disconnects the dissatisfaction machine from the grid, thereby disabling its movement. R/L

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There you are! We just drop the overlay. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is an “add on,” always coming after. Life unfolds and ego jumps in with, “Well, but what about…? That’s not right. That should/you should… “ If we just stay with Life unfolding we miss all that, don’t we? Gassho

 

It's a huge miracle! Even with conditioning looking for everything that is wrong/needs fixing, I know deep in my heart everything is perfect just the way it is! I choose to move to Presence, to Essence; the shift happens instantly. Overflowing gratitude that Life offers this to me. R/L

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It is a huge miracle, isn’t it? And we have to practice that miracle moment by moment. “I choose to move to Presence… “ Moment by moment by moment by moment. A great Life plan, yes? Gassho

 

I use to try to control life to avoid fear. the perfectionist personality thought it was possible!

then beloved husband died traumatically and with facing the pain of not being able to control anything, respect and gratitude for all of life became stronger than deluded pride and fear, something deep relaxed. Gassho. R/L

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In our lingo we would say, “Ego used to control you out of fear that you would give attention to Life and ego would cease to exist.” That’s happening, isn’t it? We often say, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” You truly get that, don’t you? Gassho

 

Noticing how perfection is whatever way Life is being expressed. "Pointing out" internally/externally someone's else's 1 characteristics, wishing they were different, is the same process happening with this person who has similar behaviors. It takes one away from compassion, love and acceptance in the Perfection of All. Gassho R/L

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Yes. We are here, able to see that Life is unfolding perfectly, or we’re caught in a conversation in conditioned mind about what’s wrong and what’s lacking. Being caught in conditioned mind is how suffering happens. Knowing how suffering happens is not the same as ending suffering, is it? We must recognize the process of suffering and turn attention away from it each time it happens if we are to find freedom from suffering. Gassho

 

I’ve long been aware of a resentment toward Life. Ego sets up a way life should be (perfect) and I’m resentful when it’s not. I am now seeing it’s really a resentment toward this being. “I” am so deficient because I can’t make life how it “should” be. Faulty premise! R/L

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A faulty yet very popular premise! It’s a great insight about what the “egocentric” in egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is referring to, isn’t it? I’m angry at Life because Life won’t make things easy for me. Yikes, huh? That insight is going to assist you to direct attention to Life from a humble position along the lines of, “I realize I don’t know; please assist me to see clearly.” Gassho

 

I see black-and-white thinking: either I have "too much to do" on my list, or I have enough time that I can afford to be distracted. Either way, I'm not present. I'm either "urgently doing to get caught up" or "urgently being distracted". R/L. Gassho

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“Urgency” being what the two states have in common. This is very good to see because “urgent” is first on the list of “attributes” of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. Urgency, busyness, fear, anxiety, worry, something wrong, not enough, should, etc., are the ways egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate shows up and takes over a human life. Now you have the opportunity to take this to the source—the sensations in the body. Those sensations that feel like “gotta DO!” are the ones driving the behaviors. Do they mean you “gotta DO!”? No, but until you break that connection between the sensations and the behaviors you’ll keep believing they do! I always suggest dancing (or jogging or whatever takes up lots of energy and serves the human being) before letting the sensations drag a person into unhelpful behaviors. Gassho

 

I notice what seems like a gatekeeper working 24/7, sorting my experiences, thoughts, actions into good and bad. Whenever a task is not easy, or I don't know the right way to do it, I am frozen and can't act at all. It seems like this gatekeeper is hijacked by egocentrickarmicconditioning. R/L

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Or perhaps the “gatekeeper” IS egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate…. Hmm…. That will be good to watch for, eh? And you can easily see it because you’ve already seen the process! You’ve watched what happens and that’s what will enable you to see behind the gatekeeper to the content (experiences, thoughts, actions) and end the sorting! Very exciting! Gassho

 

I don't think Enneatype 1 is my dominant type but I definitely see that I often feel an ethical or moral superiority over others. It was interesting to see that as a personality characteristic, rather than the truth or arrogance. R/L

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Can you see that the process of assessing your experience had a decidedly One-ish quality to it? It’s important that the ethical or moral superiority over others is a personality characteristic rather than evidence that you are actually arrogant. See what I mean? Gassho

 

The impossible standard of “Expert”. Perfectionism creates a litany of self-defacing comments resulting in anxiety/depression. If not given recognition then hatred/jealousy surface. Perfectionism places attention on fear/failure, keeping me small, not allowing for growth, dismissing the moment as not enough therefore missing the Miracle of all that is.

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Perfectly articulated! Easy to see what a coup this whole fiction is for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, isn’t it? Truly astounding to consider by dropping one very large yet simple belief—the story of “perfection” told by the voices in the head—we would be free to enjoy a perfectly fine life. Worth pursuing, huh? Gassho

 

I was in a process of seeing how often I went to "something wrong" story and feeling disappointment for doing that. Feeling gratitude for seeing this ego story. R/L

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All stories are ego stories. Good to see that, isn’t it? We’re conditioned to look to conditioned mind to find out “what’s wrong,” then when we catch onto that we’re made to feel bad for doing what we’ve been conditioned to do. That system works REALLY WELL for egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate! The whole thing happens in one place we call the dark room. Ego tells lies that we’re brainwashed into believing, and then we’re beaten for believing them. More of the stories to be revealed soon! Gassho

 

Noticed that the anger/resentment process is less active than before. Focus on “what’s wrong” is no longer compelling, because it takes away attention and appreciation from “the perfection of what is,” which, I am happy to notice, is much more compelling now. R/L

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That’s wonderful AND it’s important that we continue to be aware of those ego traps even though they’re “less active than before.” Karma has a way of circling around. We’re troubled with something, we start to see it and see through it, it goes underground as attention is drawn to something else, and when we least expect it, that karma is back. Gassho

 

"Procrastination from fear of making a mistake," is the characteristic of ONE that show up for me. Sometimes it has a frozen quality to it, feels like a life or death decision, "I" need to be scared, worried and miss what's right in front of me in the moment. R/L

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I sense you realize that “miss what’s right in front of me in the moment” is the whole point of the paralysis, yes? Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate does not/cannot exist in the present. If it’s going to maintain its faux existence, attention must be directed to the past or the future. It seems to exist in a story about “what went wrong in the past or what will go wrong in the future.” Those are imaginary “worlds” and ego is an imaginary “person.” You made mistakes in the past; you’re going to make them in the future—claims egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. That’s not true, but when identified with that system we believe it is. Here’s something you might want to try: Next time that procrastination/fear sets in, stop and ask yourself, “Is there a problem right now?” Notice how quickly the voices will attempt to pull you into a conversation about the future—because there isn’t a problem now! It will be illuminating. Gassho

 

Wow! When alone, procrastinate because fear of making a mistake and aversion when things are out of comfort zone, habitual reaction is to distract (numb down) or busy, in relation to another requiring showing up experience more of the perfection of Life. R/L

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I apologize for the repetitive nature of my responses, but isn’t it just the best to see this? All these things we struggle over and suffer with are processes. They’re processes and they aren’t unique! We’re all this way. We all feel the same things, hear the same voices, believe the same lies…. And the very best part of all is that we don’t have to struggle and suffer. We can see through all this crapola and be free to enjoy the perfection of Life. Hallelujah! Gassho

 

Bamboozle is: get everything worked out, then… And “then” never comes. When not present, resentment builds against ‘them’, it, circumstances that ‘I’ never get what is promised and the true culprit (the empty promise of leaving the perfect now to get it all worked out) is never seen! R/L

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Well, it wasn’t seen, right? You’ve certainly seen it now, yes? And things are gonna change! True? We see the scam and we’re not going to be conned as often or as long going forward. We have to phrase it like that because, let’s face it, the con artist has a lot of numbers to run and we’re going to need to see and see through all of them. That’s okay. When it’s a matter of life and death and we’re getting beaten at every turn, this whole thing is not a lot of fun. When we get it that we’re fortunate enough to be cleaning the glass in the window to eternity, we can see this is thrilling gig! Gassho

 

I’ve been practicing focusing my attention on what works in my life despite my health challenges. Sneakily, conditioning has now shifted the focus to what will be wrong as I ride the roller coaster of symptoms. There’s scant Perfection possible when I’m waiting for some other shoe to drop. R/L.

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Your assumption assumes the rollercoaster ride isn’t perfect. It is for that reason I’m betting you’re going to drop that assumption from one of the highest points on the ride! Because we know that each and every moment of life is our very best opportunity to wake up and end suffering, that each and every moment of life is a gift that will assist us to take another step toward freedom, we don’t need to perpetuate a phony “something wrong/not enough” conversation regardless of the circumstances. Yes? Yes. Gassho

 

Type 1 plays out in a striving to meet impossible, unreal standards. Unexpressed anger dogs this human. Of course! She tries so hard and the reward is a beating. Ego finds it impossible to imagine life outside these standards. Stewarding this human toward what is REAL and kind. R/L

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Ego finds it impossible to imagine life outside these standards and ego doesn’t want to. Ego has the goose laying the golden eggs and has zip interest in letting that goose loose. (You be the goose in this tale, right?) Time to drop the whole mess! You don’t need to fall for striving or the trying hard. Turn attention away from those two and giving attention to what is REAL and kind will be automatic. It’s so easy to find kindness when we drop ego because ego is fiction and kindness is what Life is. Gassho

 

My mother asked that the restaurant toast her toast more and I saw it all there: something is wrong with that, look down & avoid the discomfort, then EKC/SH says I shouldn't feel that way. Must fix myself.

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The system, egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate, plays all roles with great skill and flexibility, doesn’t it? Your mother shouldn’t be that way, you shouldn’t be that way, heck, the cook probably shouldn’t be that way! If the cook had done a good job none of this would have happened! All of it, every moment, wrong, bad, oh, and, by the way, not even close to perfect. When we step back we can see the whole thing is nothing more than a giant setup for perpetuating suffering. You’re not going to get on that “fix myself” program, are you? Gassho

 

I'm seeing all the characteristics of Perfectionist in me. I grew up needing to be perfect to please my mother, so I'm not surprised to see this in me now. I still often judge others by the standards I've had since childhood, and I'm equally hard on myself.

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Yes, that’s supposed to make up for it. “Sure, I judge others but I’m even harder on myself.” The assumption is that it’s necessary to be hard on people, and as long as it’s equal opportunity abuse, it’s okay. Once we reach adulthood we can see what was going on with our parents. They were just like we are—overworked, underappreciated, stressed, and likely unconscious! They didn’t have a lot of patience with us little meet-my-needs machines, love us though they no doubt did. They just wanted us to behave so they could have some peace and quiet. As little kids we took that very personally; as adults we can understand it. Now we get to drop those decisions made in an uncomprehending, little-kid head. Time to realize we don’t need to “be hard on” anyone, starting with ourselves and letting the kindness and compassion overflow. Gassho

 

I am working hard to make perfect, often doing things twice. Always stressed, my body have several stress related diseases. Drugs, sex, sugar, alcohol and party to release stress. People often tell me why I am trying so hard. Practice brings relief, body gets better, opening for accepting. R/L

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Ego is a brutal taskmaster! “Do more, do it faster, do it better, do it again!!” Time to stop, huh? Just stop. The voices start their harangue and the answer is, “I wish I could be your beast of burden, doing your thankless bidding day and night, but I have this precious human being I’m caring for so I don’t have time or interest any more in doing what you want.” (That “I wish I could…” was tongue in cheek, you know. Not true, but why argue with a tyrant?) Bottom line: Quit trying to please an abusive voice in the head and bring unconditional love and acceptance to a deserving human being—you. Gassho

 

Saw my sister to a T, then realized I’m seeing myself as well. Upon consideration of ‘one’ traits, I “hear” I’m not as “bad” as I used to be (near perfect, perhaps?) Grinning, now laughing! Egocentrickarmicconditoning/selfhate is so funny/ironic! As long as I don’t believe it! That’s the key!

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Yes! That’s the secret. If we see egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate as powerful, it will be scary and we’ll suffer. If we see it as a buffoon, which it is, we’ll have endless entertainment. Gassho

 

I see the process of Perfectionist One in evaluating my behavior/choices” past, present or future” and the belief about what a good practitioner does vs what they do not do. There is a right answer to what makes a good practitioner and I know’ (or should know) what that is.

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We start in childhood at home, take all the learned beliefs and behaviors to school, take them to jobs and relationships, and when we take up a religious or spiritual path, here come the same beliefs and behaviors. I often kid people that even though they never had a thought about meditation, the moment they decide to take up a practice the voice in the head is an authority on meditation. Time to retire that “authority”? Gassho

 

Having spent unusual amounts of time recently in hate and resentment, I empathize with the types who, say, "default" to this. This empathy helps me get on the same side of the table of the 1's I know, instead of ricochetting their anger back to them. Gassho. R/L

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This is how the compassion grows, isn’t it? That’s the reason we were excited about offering this class. As we see it’s not just them, it’s all of us, we can bring more sympathy and kindness to all of us. Gassho

 

Relate to most Type 1 attributes “ how I interact w/ world. Seems important to accept rather than change. Inspiring guidance to notice “the perfection of all that is”. Add recent Project Joy assignment - do the impossible: Find the joy in it. (Changing directions of striving for improvement.) R/L

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Yea! Letting go that “striving for improvement” makes the whole world a happier place, doesn’t it? When we see how egocentric that desire is, it gets easier to drop it. As we drop the egocentric focus on I/me/my (how good/bad I am) we find we can trust Life to “orchestrate” us perfectly! Gassho

 

Ego immediately "knew" the answers to the exercise. Mentor suggested working with it. I saw many of the One characteristics, but then it dropped in to turn to life, and it's been so fun! Ego says I'm doing the assignment wrong, of course, LOL. R/L

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What a joy to recognize that “you’re doing it wrong” as a confirmation we’re on the right track! The other point you’re making is a crucial one: It’s way more fun to be with the Mentor in Life than to be ego’s version of “right.” Gassho

 

When I allow the voice(s) of Egocentric Karmic Conditioning to sound louder than lovingkindness and being present, I judge myself and attempt to “be better”. I am hard on myself; I am hard on others. I miss out on the beauty of “here and now”. It’s a lose-lose deal. R/L

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Yes, indeed it is. Going through life with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is a painful, suffering, lose-lose proposition. A couple of things for you to consider: “You,” the authentic human being, do not judge yourself; the voices of self-hate judge you. And, “you” are not hard on you; the voices of self-hate are hard on you. They’re also hard on others. They talk you into identifying with ego, into being harsh and judgmental, and then beat you for being that way. Keep practicing directing attention to thisherenow, to lovingkindness and presence, and don’t worry about anything else. Okay? Gassho

 

Very self-critical, one right way, mentally comparing, and procrastinator. This brain just can't understand when things happen or people do things that seem illogical. Wearing a long sleeved sweater on a hot day. Keeps me anxious, therefore a prisoner to the process of enneatype 1

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It’s not the brain that’s the issue, it’s being in a conversation with self-hate in conditioned mind. What you’re noticing is that egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate has trained you to look to it, and you do. Doing that keeps you in conditioned mind where you’re fed endless nonsense about comparison and logic and what’s right and wrong. The result is that you feel anxious, and the anxiety causes you to look to conditioned mind where…. It’s a habit. As you break that habit, bringing attention to presence (the body, the breath, the senses, what is, here and now), you’ll feel the anxiety fade away. Gassho

 

Most characteristics of One seem foreign to me. However, the last question in the exercise “how does focusing on what’s wrong with how things are keep me away from the Perfection of the moment?” definitely hits a chord. Worry, anxiety, comparisons definitely can keep me from experiencing life. R/L

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Excellent looking! So much of awareness practice happens—or doesn’t happen—just like that. At first we can’t see it. Whether we’re aware of it or not we’re getting information that “Nope, I don’t think so….” No big resistance, just a kind of casual “nah.” But we keep looking, and before long we can see it. Now there’s an opening to explore. Gassho

 

One is strongest when I see people abusing the carpool lane. I think of myself as flexible but on closer examination I have a rigid "my way" that I adhere to, mostly from fear of punishment or scorn. Deep within, a pent-up rage is looking for a target.

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Oh, that IS good to see, isn’t it? Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate tells us what we need to hear to keep believing the other things it’s telling us. “I’m a relaxed, open, flexible sort of person” keeps me from seeing that ego is pointing out every little sin and crime being committed by everyone else. All those ways I don’t get to be but other people do! And the resentment grows. And it festers. Right? We can guess those people who suddenly “snap” and commit some violent act are suffering from the same fiendish process. In most of those cases we hear from family and neighbors that “X was always such a nice, polite sort of person.” Gives us more compassion, doesn’t it? Gassho

 

Resentment for "having" to work all the time. Take it out on partner. He is clueless what he has done other than being the recipient of my anger. Make amends but happens again. Seeing that I must take care of myself. No one else can do it for me. R/L

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That is a helpful insight. It’s true we must each learn to care for ourselves, AND we can learn to support one another in that process. The “having” tells me you’re on to how ego is conning you. It’s not so much that you “have to work all the time,” it’s how egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate is orchestrating that process. Yes? As you’re working it’s building the resentment, much as we just talked about with your neighbor. It’s egging you on to be bitter, feel like a victim, and then be justified in exploding all that pent up energy on your partner. Watching that process is going to provide more distance from ego’s shenanigans, and working with the Mentor is going to assist you to have that energy for you in ways that are happy and healthy. Gassho

 

 

NOTICE

WE ACCEPTED THE EARLY SUBMISSIONS FOR THIS FIRST ASSIGNMENT BUT WILL NOT ACCEPT THEM FOR ANY OTHERS. GASSHO

I push myself at work to do everything that's creative in a perfect/precise right way. I suffer when ego exhaustings and frustrates me. I can do the same thing with values of idealizing being kind and authentic, then being critical to myself and others when we don't measure up. RL

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Yes, ego’s ever-shifting and changing standards of perfection are applied to all content when we’re identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate. You have to do tasks perfectly but you must also be kind perfectly and authentic perfectly. Isn’t it great to say it out loud or write it down and see how absurd it is? Clearly the only point of “perfect” is the conversation in conditioned mind that enables ego to grab and keep attention. Will anything ever be perfect? Not if you’re listening to ego voices. Is anything ever perfect according to what animates all? Yeah, everything is! Gassho

 

Perfectionist: My real type -- fits me to a "T". Biggest insight is moral and ethical superiority and how that keeps me distant from other people and makes me feel "safe". This human is not "safe", only "small". Now working to expand, not shrink, my life. R/L

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Yes. Doing what the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate drive us to do doesn’t make us safe; in fact it puts us in the only danger we can be in. It does, however, make ego safe, which is what we’re conditioned to believe is “our” safety. When ego is getting all the attention it’s fine, regardless of the amount of suffering we might be in. And, yes, the result of following ego’s dictates is that our lives get smaller and smaller, more controlled, and unhappier. Time for some healthy expansion! Gassho

 

Noticing that perfectionism is secretive, not "wanting to be that" and inevitably criticized by conditioning for any ways that shows up. This process is the suffering, not allowing, then punishing. What is absent is kindness and acceptance. R/L Gassho

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You got it! The process is the suffering. We’re controlled to “do that”/”don’t do that” and whatever we do, whatever happens, we’re punished. You have to be perfect and when you try to be perfect you’re called names for being such a control freak and besides what you did wasn’t perfect anyway and it’s all your fault because you’re just the wrong person who will never be perfect! What do we need here? Yep, drop the whole mess and bring on the kindness! Gassho

 

"I" tried avoiding working with a colleague who is disorganized. There's a constant stream of planning thoughts so everything goes perfectly, critical voices about what is wrong; how I need to fix myself/others. Internal yearning to be acknowledge for the good I do, and denial when they say so. R/L

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Oh, dear. That’s what the expression “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t” means, isn’t it? You’re just not going to win that one! You Record and Listen so I’m betting you’ve got some good reminders along the lines of let go and let Life? Some that give lots of acknowledgment and appreciation to the good, sincere person who is working so hard? And, lots of reminders to withdraw attention from that hateful voice in the head? Good! Gassho

 

My process was that I met a lot of resistance - ego is sure I am not a 1. Yet, I do have a lot of self critical voices and can also criticize my life and others around me. Time to question my identity as not a perfectionist!

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Excellent! It’s so fun to see the process in the process. Ego is sure you’re not an Enneatype 1—never ever ever under any circumstances. No. But why is ego making that argument? Ostensibly because you need to get this right. You need to know. You have to be sure. Might we say that you have to be perfect? Hmmm…. Yes, time to question identity—period! Gassho

 

Perfectionism is a talisman. (Like worrying.) if I do everything "right" I deserve to have good things happen. If something bad happens it's because I didn't do something perfectly or otherwise "deserve it." It's an opportunity for the voice to say "see? It's your fault." Also a great opportunity to judge other people for doing things wrong.

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Oh, yes. And, can you see how that process gets started, and heavily reinforced, in childhood? When we’re good little girls and boys we get rewards, treats, praise, affection. When we’re bad little girls and boys we get punished and all good things are withheld from us. Behooves us to make sure we’re always doing everything right—actually perfectly—so we’re sure to get the goodies, right? Oh, and we mustn’t forget that this is a competition. Only so many As will be awarded, only one First Place, so we have to keep a sharp eye on the competition to make certain we’re doing better than they are! Sets us up never to be aware of the hateful system in the head making the rules and calling the shots. Gassho

 

Going through the One characteristics, I noticed that all of them pertained to this human. Awareness sees through most of the patterns and allows a freer/happier choice to be made. The human still gets temporarily bamboozled by comparison and procrastination/fear, but awareness eventually comes to the rescue, bringing the light of unconditional love and acceptance to this miraculous human.

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It’s lovely that we get “saved in the final reel” but important not to get fooled into “it’s way better than it was.” Rather than waiting for awareness to come to the rescue, we can actively go after those times of comparison and procrastination/fear. Find those places Life is dropping in to challenge ego’s grip and pursue them. Watch for the comparison conversation, record about the suffering involved in that, and train to re-direct attention. When you hear the NO of ego resistance leading to procrastination, get into activity. Gassho

 

The decision to be perfect - part of the battering cycle - arises regularly, and there is the assumption that there is a perfect, that I know what it is, that I should be that, and I will get there, tomorrow. Getting there will redeem the "failure" of today. R/L

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Since you know it’s a battering cycle, I bet you know that the only thing clinging to a story of “getting there” will do is perpetuate the delusion that there’s 1) a “there,” 2) failure, and 3) redemption via meeting the standards of ego. What a waste of perfectly good life force, huh? Gassho

 

I saw the most amazing thing! There was an assumption that perfectionism was about cleaning and appearance- not my issues. But I do suffer greatly over expectations of how people should behave toward me, and toward women in general. And egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate can also turn practice principles into perfectionist standards. R/L

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Isn’t that good to see?! Isn’t awareness practice grand? And, it would seem from what you wrote that you’re staying with the “amazing” rather than letting those controlling ego-voices make you feel bad/less for not having seen it sooner. That’s what they LOVE to do, you know? We have an insight that reveals ego’s hateful nature, and ego tries to make us feel bad for being the way it cons us into being! That insight about turning practice principles into perfectionist standards is going to be invaluable as you go forward with practice. Gassho

 

"I" see myself so much in Type 1 that I don't know how "I" can be anything else. That self-criticizing voice is going crazy right now. My ego daily compares me to others and recognizes that "I" does not get recognized for my "virtuous" accomplishments. It causes unending suffering.

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Well, “I,” ego, will never be anything but criticizing and crazy. Fortunately, that has nothing to do with you, the authentic human being. To assist in realizing that the crazed voice in the head has nothing to do with “us,” it can be helpful not to “own” the ego. It’s not “your” ego or “my” ego, it’s just ego. It’s like a cold; it’s something that happens to us, but it’s not what we are. As you practice letting go ego’s demand, including the need to be recognized for virtuous acts, the hold the voices have on you will diminish. Increasingly, you will be able to watch that system go crazy and experience only fascination—then you’ll lose interest altogether! Gassho

 

My Pattern: 1. Focus on "What she did--that's not right! " 2. Analyze continually. 3. Share story with friend and criticize. 4. Become consumed by irritation* 5. Feel superior *Comparing myself to others takes up so much space in my body and mind, it leaves life's spacious oneness unnoticed. R/L

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Yep. That’s how it works all right. Is that where you’re cutting ego off, the “that’s not right”? You clearly see the process, yet it sounds as if you go with it start-to-finish with some regularity. Do you have lots of “I choose to focus on Life’s spacious oneness” recordings? Plenty of reminders that comparison is just ego’s way of grabbing attention away from you, away from Life? Gassho

 

I'm a single female close to retirement. I need to sell my house and want to do a perfect job to maximize earnings. Egocentric/karmic/conditioning voices tell me it's too difficult, I'll screw up, I'll get screwed. Deep down, I'm resentful that my in-laws disrembered me in their will after my husband's suicide. The egocentric/karmic-conditioning voices tell me I'm a horrible person for writing this.

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One thing we can count on: The voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate are wrong and they lie. Isn’t that helpful to know? Being clear about that fact allows us to let them all go. We don’t have to listen to any debates about what is true and what isn’t—it’s all lies. And they’re wrong. (Not wrong in the “as compared to there’s nothing wrong” wrong, just in the bogus, horse pucky, crapola sense.) The voices want to scare you and make you resentful and they really don’t want anyone to know that’s what they’re doing. Good for you for outing them! They really hate that. Now you have both eyes on them you can keep coming back to thisherenow and the wellbeing of presence. Whether you get an incredible price for your house or not, you will never be happy as long as those voices are running the show. Without the voices, you get that you’re always fine regardless of circumstances. (A good focus to come back to might be “I have faith in the Unconditional Love that is Life.”) Gassho

 

By holding on to injustices, "I" gets to feel superior over those who "I" says have better lives. Bad memories get re-cycled. Strong need to be perfect in perceived deficits areas. Fear of being judged as inadequate is there, I feels overwhelmed. I decides not to socialize due to fear.

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Oh, absolutely! These are classic ego-maintenance strategies. Ego judges others than pretends to fear being judged. Ego piles on the “you have to be perfect—especially in areas ego is constantly telling you you’re not good at—and then pretends to be overwhelmed. And its ultimate strategy: separate the prey from the herd. Get a person alone and isolated—in order to be safe, of course—and the only “company” is that self-hating voice in the head. You’re catching on to just what the conversation in the head is accomplishing. That distance, what we call “disidentification,” is what shows us we are not that hateful system! Gassho

 

My story says I'd be a 1 if I had more self-discipline. I want to be good/right. Upon submitting this I noticed the contradiction between word counts in the assignment (50) and the webpage (100). The voices erupted, WE should proofread for clarity? In my chest I feel tight misery.

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Good to see! Always good to be present enough to see how egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate is jerking us around! Here’s what I suspect. You are a REALLY GOOD person. Why do I suspect that? Because only really good people are willing to feel terrible when the hateful voices point out bogus “sins and crimes.” Know what I mean? All you need do now (yes, it’s a pretty big “all”) is to give attention to the really good person and stop those nasty voices from delivering those beatings. That’s what awareness practice is all about. So, good news is that you’re already doing what you need to do. Now you just need to keep doing it! Gassho

 

Ego-i has rigid ideas about how self, others, and situations should be. Internalized anger exhibits as frustration and impatience. There's a huge fear of criticism, which is taken personally. Focus on what needs to be ‘fixed' distracts from seeing and experiencing the perfection of the moment. R/L

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Well stated! The person living in the constant criticism/judgment of the voices of self-hate is certainly going to fear judgment. Of course! If I’m judging all the time, I’m going to project that others are judging me. Just the way it is. Caught in the vice grip of “how it should be,” the anger, frustration, resentment just grows and grows. Now there’s impatience and intolerance. Good grief, how can it get so bad when I’m trying so hard to be good?? We use an image in one of the books of “all the exit signs mark entrances,” which is what’s going on. All the “fixing” is the problem. We’re conditioned to try to fix a problem using the problem. Not gonna work. Which is the whole point! Attempting to be perfect via criticism and judgment, we can see, is not a winning strategy. Yes? Gassho

 

Identified as a One, there is huge frustration with someone who keeps asking me what's right and how should I do that. I wonder why it looks so obvious only to me. We agree that we both want what's best, and are re-assured that everything is alright already. R/L Gassho

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What is obvious to us is always obvious to us. That is true. What is not obvious to us is what is not obvious to us. That’s also true—and that’s the one we fail to see! How could we see it? The whole point of that is that we can’t see it! Yes? So we listen to the ego-I voices that impatiently talk about the frustration of “why does this look so obvious only to me.” What we don’t know is how what is not obvious to us, what we don’t see, is affecting others. And ego’s self-righteous campaign keeps us from wondering about that. Could be a fun place to look. We all want what’s best and everything is all right already, so we might as well get a clear look at how it really is. Gassho

 

Seeing that political situation is training me to shift from judgement to consciously looking for compassion, validity in other perceptions, and what's working. Identifying judgement quickly and requires practice to ignore seduction of story and instead direct attention to Life. R/L. Gassho

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It’s a balancing act we often don’t get to see so clearly. You want X and I want Y and ego is going to decide who’s right and who’s wrong and either fight to the death or give up and quit. Always a duality, yes? So how do we stay with what we see Life calling us to without needing to make anyone right or wrong? Children are hungry. There are people who believe that’s a problem and people who don’t. Do we need to argue about which of those groups is right or shall we feed the children? Sometimes we can get talked into acceptance as nonparticipation. I don’t want to judge so I’ll withdraw. Ego is a tricky so-and-so, isn’t it? Gassho

 

Can relate to the resentment/frustration, comes out as passive aggressive. Noticing if the anger/resentment is flat-lined, so is passion/enthusiasm. Seems a perfect set-up, the "hateful" energy has to be expressed in a controlled/nice person/"perfect" way. Looking for ways to be aware of it for starters, then appropriately/"imperfectly" express it. R/L

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Well, it seems as if you’re already seeing it quite clearly. Perhaps the real issue is practicing being with what’s happening, bringing awareness to all of it, and allowing presence to respond, which will always be appropriate and perfect. Gassho

 

Egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate would say I embody characteristics of a 1 because I'm not the right person. When attention is on that conversation, I am efforting to embody those characteristics - not attending to what is here. When here, there's just disinterest in working to be any particular thing. Gassho R/L

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Ah ha! So, in presence there is no interest in “doing” for the sake of doing; there is an interest in being present to Life unfolding. Yes? I project you’re seeing attention on that conversation as the path to suffering. True? Gassho

 

Choice between a and b. Visceral tension, overwhelm in body. So put attention on what needs done that's easy. Put off decision(s). Then decision made by life, others, or at last minute in great distress to self and others. Egocentrickarmicconditioningself-hate clenches human like a boa to make 'right' decision . R/l

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Well, that’s the story about the clenching, but, alas, it’s a lie. Egocentric karmic conditioning/ self-hate clenches the human like a boa to cause suffering! Maximum suffering. For self and others. Oh, yes. All that could have been avoided, but those voices are not going to let that happen, are they? What do you want in life? To be happy? To have loving relationships? To enjoy yourself and others? What if you chose that instead of letting ego take you down the primrose path—again!—of “there’s a right choice”? Something to consider, huh? Gassho

 

Impossible to meet the high standards created, myself and others. Total dissatisfaction, "never good enough". The worst comes when "I" make a mistake, I get abusive punishment. I grew up in an environment where mistakes were paid with removal of affection, then mistakes are something "I" can't do, otherwise death would come.

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Your first sentence says it all: “Impossible to meet high standards…” Yet we keep trying! We continue to let ourselves get talked into believing “this is real, this is important, this is possible, and you should.” The worst part of all is that meeting those standards is not only impossible, it’s irrelevant and harmful! Those ego voices have us over there gnashing our teeth and pulling out our hair over our “failures” when we could be over here being guided by the infinitely compassionate lovingkindness of Life. How about we get with Life, receive the affection we seek, and if ego dies, oh well. Gassho

 

Ego does like to ring the gong when a response is "needed" or a task "must" be done. Do it now! Do it right! It's either scurry to the gong or…be present in peace. Ego doesn't get to run the show, not once the curtain's been drawn back.

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This, then, becomes a matter of recognizing the sound of ego’s gong, coming back to thisherenow, ceasing to react like one of Pavlov’s pups, and choosing to be guided by Life. The difficulty, as we talked about this morning on Project Joy, is to let go the deeply conditioned messages that reacting to “need and must” are the good/right person thing to do, yes? Gassho

 

Conditioning says, "There are two ways to do anything: the easy way and the right way. Always choose the right way; laziness is for lesser mortals." Relentless criticism prevents laziness, but becomes oppressive; overdoing "pleasures" seems the only escape. Not a real escape, though; criticism always escalates afterwards. R/L

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Ah, the power unexamined beliefs and assumptions have over us, huh? Ego waves that red flag with “lazy” written on it and you start hopping! If “easy” and “lazy” are synonyms, being in easy, relaxed, non-suffering sync with Life is not available. What’s left? A poor beast of burden driven mercilessly then “rewarded” with what never nourishes or satisfies. Can you see that the way out is ending the “relentless criticism” and finding out just what “laziness” means? Gassho

 

Ones traits manifest internally: critiquing, evaluating self. Compare self to others; come up short, occasionally better. Sometimes paralyzed by fear of making mistakes. Never can get it "right enough." Love it that this shows who I'm not but what egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate is. Makes it so much easier to practice with! R/L

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Yes, indeed. Everything that reveals what that system is doing to us is helpful, isn’t it? Seeing how it does what it does reveals the path to liberation. So, it might be fun to go on a campaign of “making mistakes.” Each time you feel that paralyzing fear (which is ego’s death grip on us, meant to guarantee ego’s control of us), let yourself go ahead with whatever as a workshop. Now you’re learning and “making a mistake” has no place in learning. Gassho

 

"Compulsive need to act on what seems correct" resonated. Process: feels like pulsing energy driving the life force, with no attention, on/in the body. Never put the word compulsive into it till now. An alarm reminder frequently for checkin started… maybe dancing some between planned focused activities. R/L.

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When we talk about people being “addicted to ego,” you know what we mean, right? Addiction has that compulsive component. When in the grip of one of ego’s “imperatives,” there’s nothing casual about it! This is not a time people tend to procrastinate—unless of course there’s more self-hate available through getting a person to procrastinate about something that is “urgent.” The voices say, “You have to/you better” and conditioned folks start scrambling to obey. So, what to do with all that urgent ego energy? I agree; dancing is a great choice. Set an alarm, turn on the tunes, drop the conversation in the head, and enjoy the life force that is meant for you and not for ego. Gassho

 

When I listen to egocentrickarmicconditioning/self-hate spin stories about how I missed the boat or how this-or-that should be different, I know I am identified with the perfectionist. Any comparison to a parallel life keeps me separate from this moment, this Life, this perfection. It's a pleasure to be back! R/L

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That’s a great “clue,” isn’t it? Something should be different. This is another expression of “something wrong/not enough.” That shouldn’t have happened, that was wrong, this needs to be fixed, it would be better if… The list of comparisons is endless. And, yes, those can become a signal to “drop that conversation and get back here” rather than the lure that pulls us into ego’s suffering. Gassho

 

Fear of some ousting or proof of superiority hooks me. Yet there is no better example of the egos ridiculousness. It is unspoken rules or assumption. Ethics, small ethics. More politeness or taste than morality. The feeling that these things hold life together. Feeling that failure erodes/wastes that life."

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Those things do hold life together—for ego! Yes? All ego wants is to be center stage with full attention on it all the time. That’s all. Whether you’re superior or inferior, more or less, right or wrong is irrelevant. The voices will sound as if they care. But they don’t. For ego you can “love me or hate me, I don’t care, as long as you give me all the attention.” Ego says it cares about all sorts of things, believes all sorts of things, wants all sorts of things, is sad, hurt, disappointed, depressed, trying hard, feeling bad—ALL LIES. The only thing it ever wants is ATTENTION and it will do ANYTHING that’s required to get it. As we watch it, we see that. Gassho

 

Class 1: Seek perfection in understanding situations, and responses. Those who do not “get it” are distained. Tested as non-trusting 6, I seek out those who, “get-it”, for safety. "Perfection in all that is"; surfaces in natural environments, but visceral resistance when ego triggered. Then go to nature or mentor. R/L

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There’s the “work,” right? You know the experience of “perfection in all that is,” and then when ego gets triggered—by any situations that threaten its control over you—you go with ego because you’ve been conditioned to believe that will bring safety. Doing awareness practice I can only guess you’re seeing that going with ego is the most un-safe thing we can do! What you’re learning is to NOT equate ego’s “visceral resistance” with danger from Life, but to see it as the dangerous ego causing you to believe you’re in danger. Yes? Gassho

 

Ego's spending the vacation constantly scanning what people are doing, measuring everyone's contribution and keeping score. Either I'm guiltily taking my time and space or resentfully working in the kitchen. I envy how others can just relax and enjoy themselves without worrying about everything. I want that! R/L

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Do you want that? Who wants that? Not the right/wrong police chief who keeps score and feels good or bad depending on the verdict, right? Not the guilt/blame center-of-the-universe control-meister. True? That’s what you’re seeing clearly, isn’t it? All those “folks” are called “I,” which makes it mighty tricky to discern which is authenticity. So, which is authentic? It’s not the envy, is it? Not the desire to “have for me,” or we suspect that anyway. Relaxing and not worrying… what might be involved in that? Gassho

 

Frustration, irritation keeps me in a story about the content. The story becomes what is true. With R/L I can expose the story and let it go, coming back to what is true, that nothing is wrong! And Life drops in help, often not about the story!

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Yet you stay with the story rather than R/L because…? That’s a short response, but it’s power-packed! Get to the bottom of that and treasure awaits! Gassho

 

"Comparison and criticism make up about 70 percent of my thoughts. Always on lookout for person who does whatever it is "better" or knows the "right" way. Saw it critiquing how I was cleaning up the yard. Dread of assessment seems to fuel procrastination. Not seeing the moral superiority.

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How about you put that “moral superiority” on the backburner and just go with “dread of assessment fuels procrastination.” (I bet we can safely take “seems” out of that sentence!) There’s a voice in your head that is controlling you by getting you to dread its criticism. That’s awful, right? In fact, it’s horrifying. (We tend not to be horrified because we’re conditioned to think it’s “normal.” It’s so normal we’re not even aware of it.) If it were your partner or parent or boss it would be outrageous, but this is a voice in your head! If it were the mob we might say, “Well, maybe you should be scared. Maybe you should do what they say. They could kill you.” But this is a voice in your head! It has no body, no hands with which to hold a weapon. It can’t do anything except say mean things to you. That’s it! And it controls your life! Have I convinced you that freeing yourself from that imaginary tyrant is job 1? I hope so. Awareness practice gives us the “how” of that. Gassho

 

Implicit high standards, thought of as "mine," mean human must perform. Difficult to not intervene when children not behaving as they "should." Focus on "what's wrong,"/problems to be solved, rather than on Life, the Good, etc. Unconscious belief in own moral/ethical superiority vital to self-concept. R/L

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You’ve said the magic word—unconscious. We do all this stuff, give our lives over to a bunch of nonsense we don’t actually care about, suffer, let voices in our head abuse us and it’s all happening in unconsciousness. On Project Joy I was talking with a woman who had just realized that since waking she had been listening to a steady drone of “what’s wrong,” all happening below the level of conscious awareness. I asked her if she had a sense that had I come up to her at any point and asked, “Are you conscious?” she would have answered, “Yes, I am.” And she was not. That’s what she realized. The system of ego-maintenance convinces us we’re conscious when we’re not, has us act from unconsciousness, and then blames us for our actions. Truly ugly. You’re seeing it, aren’t you? Gassho

 

WOW...TOTALLY "me"-especially regarding unfairness, resentment, procrastination, criticism. Never saw 1 aspects until now-everywhere! "Right" used to torture in duality of THIS is right, then later, "IS this right????" Seeing glaringly in parenting & relationship. Fear fuels feeling inferior/superior, right/wrong, good/bad and keeps hidden the Perfection of Life unfolding-"All's OK!" R/L

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Yep, it is. I don’t have a lot to offer you at this juncture other than “keep those eyes on the prize.” Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is going to attempt to use this against you now you’ve seen it. Read what I just wrote to your neighbor and stick with the old Zen, “Is that so?” each time you hear an assessment in conditioned mind. It’s conditioning doing those behaviors and our job is to see them for what they are, come to conscious awareness, and say “thank you” for the clarity. Don’t let the voices make it a contest you’re going to lose! Gassho

 

"Noticing a major difference between building upon what is so in order to move closer to freedom, and engaging in ""improvement"" projects that come from a rejection of what is so. Seeing how there is nothing wrong with anything, and I can also work toward positive change. RL. Gassho."

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Amen to that! It’s a “I love you exactly as you are and I’ll help you be any way you want to be.” I want to be more fit doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with how I am now; I just want to be more fit. Good to see, isn’t it? Gassho

 

My first experience of egocentrickarmicconditioning I can remember, which fueled self-righteous fury, was when my sister was picked up when she cried, and I was left out when I was "good" by keeping quiet. The experience of being right and others being wrong, but not being penalized for it, plays out in more and more complicated situations. R/L-ing and Listening Buddy practice helps clarify instead of continuing unconsciously.

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Excellent! Awareness practice helps us to drop the story—ALL stories—and get HERE so we can have an experience of what is so. What might be helpful is to increase your appreciation for the person who is being good. I’m betting that you are good and that you want to be good not because you “should” but because that’s what makes your heart happy. As the stories fall away there’s more room to see that. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing. You choose to be the best person you can be—let that person know s/he is seen and appreciated. Know what I mean? Gassho

 

I procrastinated signing up even though this class is perfect for "me," who relates to all enneatypes and can't decide which is "right." Seeing how much of type one I've let go with the grace of practice. Less conversation, less focus on right/wrong, less judgement, more presence and joy. R/L

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So, letting go the notion of a “right” Enneatype works well for you, yes? Keep in mind that in awareness practice we’re always going deeper. Egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate likes us to focus on our “improvement” as a way of hiding what we have not yet seen and seen through. Gassho

 

I'm a one currently stuck in a tornado of shame. I can see the dualities and hear the conditioned conversations but can't seem to still the storm or quiet the voices. I have no energy and I can't seem to find joy, though I suspect it's right nearby. R/L

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That joy is right within. Let’s see if this is what’s going on: You turn on the recorder to listen to some recordings that put a “stop” to the shame stories. You listen for a while and then you look to see if the shame is still there. It is. Then you get information (from conditioned mind, of course) that “this isn’t working.” Am I getting close? It’s true that that won’t work because you keep looking to egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate to tell you how you’re doing, and it’s always going to tell you “it’s not working.” If you turn attention to Life, to what is true and so, and you keep attention there, there won’t be any room for the shame stories. But every time you check in with ego… “yep, it’s not working.” Gassho

 

I was not going to take this class because I would not have time to read ALL the responses. Not a perfect student. Realized that standard was too much and I would do what I could. Perhaps the 9 Enneagrams are also the 9 Bamboozles. Gassho. R/L

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Yes, I suspect that’s true. As aficionados will tell us, the Enneatype is what we are NOT. You point out a very important process for all of us: We have to STOP listening to and believing the voices in the head. PERIOD. PERIOD. Not, as in “I need to be careful about the conversations in my head that are not helpful and stop listening to and believing those.” NO! STOP LISTENING TO AND BELIEVING ALL CONVERSATIONS IN THE HEAD. As you told us, you heard what the voices said and then it drop in (realized) that the standard was bogus. It dropped in that you could do what you could do. That’s it! Gassho

 

"There's definitely something wrong with me, but with perfection and striving, I can fix it! You can, too, so I'll tell you about it or resent you for it until you realize it!" Even in my recording I blamed my Mom for my black-and-white thinking! Talking out loud in my recording, I felt strongly the desire to point out what's inherently "not perfect exactly as it is." Resentment is a struggle for me and I resent that I struggle with this so much!

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Perfect! You are articulating so clearly—and perfectly!—what it’s like to be identified with egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate and not know it. What R/L is doing for you (which is why I so want everyone to do it) is allowing you to step back and see/hear that ego system in action. Inside the head it seems for all the world to be “me,” but when we hear it, oh my, it is obvious that “that is not ‘my’ authentic nature.” Gassho

 

"My One lives in desire for order and discomfort with chaos. This passion has harmed my relationships and darkened my experience of life. Running critique of self/ others always there, but have some distance now, able to see perfection more easily. Anger piece still present.

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The fact that we can “see” egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate doesn’t mean it’s going to give up and go away. (Don’t own it, please. It’s not “your” One.) You’re seeing it and it really doesn’t like being seen—hence the anger. It doesn’t like being thwarted, doesn’t like people “typing” it, pigeonholing it, having opinions about it, implying it might not be the be-all-end-all of human existence, and so on. It wants to be in control of everything all the time because that will give it the attention (the human life force) it needs to continue to appear real. Does it want order rather than chaos? No, but if you believe that it can stomp and storm every time there’s something “I don’t like” and you’ll file that under the heading, “How One’s Like Things To Be” and never start scrutinizing ego. Oops, sorry ego, too late! The human is on to you. Gassho

 

I walk into the kitchen and the dirty dishes are all over. The negative side of One says "I have to do everything.” I laugh seeing this. How wonderful to relax and choose peace! R/L

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No frustration? No resentment? No judgment? No bitterness leaking out in other places? Just relax and peacefully do the dishes? All the time? Three meals a day? That is wonderful. Gassho

 

Scanning for the rights/wrongs in my day. Seeing ego: it's never good or right enough; if I were the right person this would never happen. When will I be perfect enough for my world? Get stuck in noodling, blame and guilt

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Oh, yes, of course! That’s how it’s “supposed to” go. You’re meant to go unconscious and serve ego. That’s the set up. We’re the outliers who are not going along with the program! When will you ever be perfect enough, right enough, good enough? Never. That will never happen because no matter what you do the voices of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate will say, “Nope, not good enough.” It’s a game you can’t win. Not just you; nobody can win it. That’s why we quit! We quit and turn attention to what’s not a hateful game—Life as Life really is. You’re seeing what’s happening. This is a good thing! Gassho

 

I can see my self under the "Perfectionist" title in that I like my personal space to be organized, orderly and pleasant to look at. I don't see a black and white world. Most things are very complicated. None of the others seem to apply.

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Well, just keep noticing. See if you recognize criticism or judgment or comparing. Just kind of watch out of the corner of your eye and see what you see. As you read your classmates responses, you might recognize new places to look. Stay with it and all will be revealed! Gassho

 

I put much pressure on myself to do it right, make no mistakes – in order to "escape" criticism or negative feedback from others. The above behavior ebbs and flows with stressful situations. More stress, more need for perfection and control. Less stress, less need to expect perfection. More ease.

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Here’s a potentially interesting place to look: How much of the criticism and negative feedback comes from “others” and how much happens inside your own head? No need to think about it or figure it out; just let situations in your life occur to you and get a sense of where the negativity comes from. Gassho

 

I am quite familiar with aspects of #1 on the enneagram and my process. My ex-wife of 14 years was a classic 1. Being a seven, I move to 1 under stress. Procrastination, judgement, using pleasure as an escape, feeling moral superiority band being angry at seeming unfair situations have all been part of my life. Catching myself in the act is the key. I am forever grateful for the practice.

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Do you have a sense of “who,” or perhaps we could say “what,” catches you in the act? Might be an interesting place to look. Gassho